Oh, and Blogger is apparently a bit of a fucking douche, and only allows video files that are up to 100mb in size, and the video (which ended up being almost 42 minutes long cuz a fucklot of stuff happened and also I babble) came out to 536mb in size. That's why it's a YouTube video instead of just me uploading it here. >_< Also, my webcam is a piece of shit, so the quality of the video sucks. My apologies. The important part is the talking, though, so hopefully at least the sound quality is okay-ish.
Sunday, March 5, 2017
All About NashCon - Video Blogging Version
So, finally, here's the video version of my NashCon 2017 experience. I'm lazy, and talking is much easier than typing, so I just made a video instead. Oh, and after just watching it over to make sure it worked correctly, I'm already remembering a bunch of stuff I forgot, so I'll try and make another video sometime in the next few days to try and talk about all the stuff I forgot in the first one. And because it's me, I'm sure I'll hafta make a third video to talk about the crap I forgot in the first two. Hopefully I won't need to go past three...
Oh, and Blogger is apparently a bit of a fucking douche, and only allows video files that are up to 100mb in size, and the video (which ended up being almost 42 minutes long cuz a fucklot of stuff happened and also I babble) came out to 536mb in size. That's why it's a YouTube video instead of just me uploading it here. >_< Also, my webcam is a piece of shit, so the quality of the video sucks. My apologies. The important part is the talking, though, so hopefully at least the sound quality is okay-ish.
Oh, and Blogger is apparently a bit of a fucking douche, and only allows video files that are up to 100mb in size, and the video (which ended up being almost 42 minutes long cuz a fucklot of stuff happened and also I babble) came out to 536mb in size. That's why it's a YouTube video instead of just me uploading it here. >_< Also, my webcam is a piece of shit, so the quality of the video sucks. My apologies. The important part is the talking, though, so hopefully at least the sound quality is okay-ish.
Tuesday, February 21, 2017
Free Manga/Comics List
Comics:
Invincible, Vol. 5: The Facts of Life
Invincible, Vol. 6: A Different World
Invincible, Vol. 7: Three's Company
Superman: Earth One, Volume 2
Batman & Robin: Eternal, Volume 2
Justice League: Rise and Fall
Uncanny X-Force, Vol. 1: The Apocalypse Solution
Superman Vs. Shazam!
Manga:
Rozen Maiden, Vol. 3
Rozen Maiden, Vol. 4
Rozen Maiden, Vol. 5
Rozen Maiden, Vol. 6
Re: Play, Volume 1
Peach Girl, Vol. 5
Peach Girl: Sae's Story, Volume 3
Kami-Kaze, Volume 3
Chibi Vampire, Vol. 03
Chibi Vampire, Vol. 10
Chibi Vampire, Vol. 13
Ultra Cute, Vol. 3
Dengeki Daisy, Vol. 06
Beast Master, Vol. 2
That Wolf-Boy Is Mine!, Volume 3
Fruits Basket, Vol. 20
Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon, Vol. 3
Trinity Blood, Vol. 11
Trinity Blood, Vol. 12
Vampire Kisses: Blood Relatives, Vol. 3
Otomen, Vol. 3
JoJo's Bizarre Adventure, Vol. 8
Buso Renkin, Vol. 7
Psychic Academy Volume 7
Gakuen Alice, Vol. 01
Gakuen Alice, Vol. 03
Swan, Volume 1
Blank Slate, Vol. 1
Beauty Pop, Vol. 3
xxxHolic, Vol. 14
xxxHolic, Vol. 15
Invincible, Vol. 5: The Facts of Life
Invincible, Vol. 6: A Different World
Invincible, Vol. 7: Three's Company
Justice League: Rise and Fall
Manga:
Kami-Kaze, Volume 3
Chibi Vampire, Vol. 03
Chibi Vampire, Vol. 10
Chibi Vampire, Vol. 13
Ultra Cute, Vol. 3
Dengeki Daisy, Vol. 06
Beast Master, Vol. 2
That Wolf-Boy Is Mine!, Volume 3
Fruits Basket, Vol. 20
Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon, Vol. 3
Trinity Blood, Vol. 11
Trinity Blood, Vol. 12
Vampire Kisses: Blood Relatives, Vol. 3
Otomen, Vol. 3
JoJo's Bizarre Adventure, Vol. 8
Buso Renkin, Vol. 7
Psychic Academy Volume 7
Gakuen Alice, Vol. 01
Gakuen Alice, Vol. 03
Swan, Volume 1
Blank Slate, Vol. 1
Beauty Pop, Vol. 3
xxxHolic, Vol. 14
xxxHolic, Vol. 15
Saturday, July 16, 2016
Better?
I'm not getting better, and I'm never going to get better (no matter how much my therapist thinks that being positive and "thinking happy thoughts" will make me all sunshine and rainbows). I also can't do anything to make me better. What I can do, and I haven't been lately, is try and deal with the symptoms and try to not get any worse. And there are quite a few things making everything so damn much worse.
My psychiatrist doesn't listen to me and keeps prescribing medicines that end up being dangerous for myself and others. So far, since starting to see her, she's "tried" at least three different meds on me. Since she doesn't actually listen and/or give any fucks about me (I'm kind of wondering if maybe she's not fluent enough in English to properly do her job, since she has a very heavy western European accent), every single one of these meds have: A) done absolutely nothing for whichever mental illness I have that she was prescribing it for; B) either made the symptoms of said mental illness worse, given me brand new symptoms I didn't have before starting the med, or a fun fun combination of the two; and C) almost inevitably made me suicidal. When I mentioned being suicidal, up to the point of having a plan made out and steps I was in the process of following near the end of last year, she just nodded and continued like I hadn't said anything, even though this was a PSYCHIATRIST and I had been talking about how I had almost COMMITTED SUICIDE. So yeah...... pretty sure staying with her will just end up with me either in the hospital permanently or in a coffin (I have literally never had a mental health professional dealing me that was more incompetent at their job, including the therapist I had in Bellefontaine that bullied me to the point of wanting to kill myself that "mysteriously" went on medical leave and never returned shortly after I requested a transfer to a different therapist because I felt bullied, which makes me assume I wasn't the only victim). So when I go see her next, Ben's going to have a little words with her, and then we're going to get me set up with a different psychiatrist that isn't unintentionally trying to murder me.
For the last few months, Ben and I have had to go to the Social Security office near us literally at least twice a month to fix whatever fuck up they did this time, which was almost always a fuck up they had claimed they had "fixed" the last time we were. They keep withholding money from my monthly check, usually illegally, when they weren't supposed to. Every time they claim the problem's been fixed, they were lying through their teeth. It would seem that nobody there actually knows how to do their job. At one point, they had fucked up so bad that they had me listed as still living with my ex Jim, even though he kicked me out back in 2009. They had that one in my file a few months ago. We've been going in at the beginning of each month with our latest letter giving some non-existent reason for them taking money out of my check, usually some bullshit about being overpaid even though we'd already went in to get said bullshit fixed (because I had never actually been overpaid, to this day), and they temporarily fix it it and send the money they incorrectly withheld back to my account a few weeks later, when it's already too late to pay my rent or my car insurance with it. Then, every. Single. Time. They send us another letter saying that we owe them the money that they had wrongly withheld and finally sent us correctly, because I had been "overpaid". Or to put it simply: they keep money they shouldn't, then after we go in and fix it, they send the money they were supposed to send but didn't, then we get a letter saying we owe the money that they had sent when they had fixed them not sending the money the should have sent in the first fucking place, we go in to point out this idioticness, they lie to us about fixing it, and when the next month happens, repeat this exact same fucking process all over again, until the end of eternity. Yeah, it doesn't make any fucking sense to us, either, but it still happens literally every single month, exactly like that. Still waiting on the $73 they illegally withheld this month that we were told two weeks ago would be back in my account before last Wednesday, at the latest.
We can't afford a new bed, and the old box springs doesn't fit up the stairs, so I'm constantly in intense pain and I barely get any sleep so I'm constantly sleep deprived o top of the horrifying pain. This one doesn't need much explanation, actually. We've currently got the mattress directly on the floor in the bedroom, and that alone would be uncomfortable, even if the damn thing wasn't as worn out and useless as it is. Even worse is getting in and out of bed. My back and pretty much everything else is so out of wack that getting up from what is basically the floor itself is destroying it a little further every time I do it, and since the pain tends to be the worst right when I wake up, that makes everything just fuck all bad.
I've been gaining weight like mad crazy, but I have basically zero energy to do the basics like dishes or laundry, so I sure as fuck don't have it in me to exercise and lost the weight. And for me, dieting alone does next to nothing. Even if I ate nothing but raw fruits and vegetables and other equally as healthy and low in calories, it would probably take me about three months to lose one pound, and as soon as I stopped that for even a day, I'd gain everything I had lost back within a few weeks (depending on how much I had lost, about 10-20 a week gained, usually), but I'd gain at least another ten or twenty pounds extra. I have no idea how to get said energy necessary for me to exercise, seeing as how going downstairs to do whatever and then going back up again uses up so much energy that I have to sit for at least an hour before I have enough energy to even walk the few feet to go to the bathroom. Lately, I haven't been doing laundry, or dishes, or any other chores whatsoever. I've barely even been taking showers. Standing up for that long just wipes me for half the day. Caffeine doesn't help, extra sleep doesn't help, nothing helps, period.
Oh yeah, and the pain I'm in every second of every day deserves its own category, it's so bad. I have to pop Tylenol almost like Pez just to keep from screaming in pain and crying most of the time, and it's getting to where they don't work very well because I used them so much just to go from a 10 to a 7 on the pain scale occasionally. Hell, right now, my back in burning it hurts so bad, and I've barely done anything today, or recently, to make it be sore.
My medical doctor dropped my insurance last year (without telling me until I called to make an appointment for the sinus infection I had a few months after they had dropped me, mind you), but since I have a type of Medicaid that is barely accepted in Dayton, finding a general practitioner that not only accepts my kind of insurance but has an opening for me is harder to find than a real psychic running a psychic hotline for $4.99 per minute. It wouldn't be so hard to find if it weren't for the fact that the official lists maintained by Molina Medicaid mostly contain doctors offices that not only don't take Molina, but have never taken it and are incredibly confused as to why they were even on the list in the first place. So to find any sort of doctors office (like dentists, therapists, general practitioners, gynecologists, etc.), I have to basically cold call dozens and dozens of offices, ask if they accept Molina, ask if they are taking new patients, and for first three or four hours minimum, gets nothing but "no"s, and if I'm going off of the lists, a lot of above-mentioned confusion from receptionists. Not that either doctor I've had since moving here two years ago have been any good at their jobs or given one single fuck about whether I live or die. The first place was downright neglectful and abusive. She lied about the different pills I was prescribed, gave me one that was very well known to halt ovulation even though by that point I had probably told her we were trying to conceive at least half a dozen times, and constantly left me waiting over an hour because they literally forgot I was there. The second one was nicer, though she did everything in her power to avoid anything more difficult than a sinus infection (though at least she knew what one was, unlike my last "doctor"). That means neither of them did a single fucking thing about my pain or anything that was actually wrong with me. "She's a difficult patient because she actually wants us to treat her illness and medical conditions and not just treat her for the stuff she could easily treat herself with some NyQuil, plenty of fluids, and lots of rest. We must avoid her at all costs!" I'm not allowed to change which Medicaid provider I have until open enrollment in November, too (though I'm going to try calling soon and see if "so few places where I moved to accept Molina that it's impossible to get the medical care that I require as a functioning human being" is a good enough reason for them to switch me right the fuck now).
Our slumlord is trying brand new illegal ways to con money out of us, and are still not providing basic maintenance like we were promised in the least. Also, they didn't clean this place before we moved in like they said they would. The basement smelled heavily of dog piss, the carpets were so filthy the first few months that if you walked around barefoot for more than a few minutes, the bottoms of your feet turned black, we had to pick up a bunch of trash in the basement and found the used end of a blunt between the (not actually properly secured) carpet and the wall, we would leave messages with the maintenance guy and never hear back from him, or if he did actually respond, he wouldn't fix any of the stuff we told him needed fixed (almost a year later, and we still have a missing electrical outlet in the kitchen that he removed and never replaced, even though the one we told him was messed up was in the dining room), we left left multiple message about the roofing coming off after a huge storm a few months ago and we've never heard back from him, among many, many, many other things. They even painted over the electrical outlets and didn't clean them off afterwards, so most of them can't be used if it's a three prong plug (and every single outlet is wobbly and the plugs fall out constantly from it being so loose). Then there's cons where they try to illegally charge us money we never owed in the first place (the last time they claimed we had to pay them part of the water bill because a leak that we "should have reported" that didn't even exist, even though the lease states they are 100% responsible for 100% of the water bill 100% of the time, but when Ben asked for physical copies of the water bill to see where the sudden raise happened, they never brought it up again and didn't charge us for it).
The neighborhood we live in doesn't feel safe any more, because I'm constantly hearing noises that sound a LOT like gunshots. It's a lot like the worst parts of where I grew up, actually. I didn't mind the partially burned condemned house next to us (though I do wish they'd come tear it down, or at least pick up all the garbage, seeing as how the people who lived there before it burned down refused to use trash bags or even trash cans and just literally threw all their garbage into a pile in the backyard, which then blew in the wind into our yard constantly). I didn't care too much about the needs-to-be-replaced streets, or the sidewalks in the same condition. It's those possible gun shots that are scaring the living hell out of me. I'm always worried that they're actually gunshots, and that I'm not safe in my own home. I'm afraid of somebody breaking in no matter how safe the neighborhood (thanks for that phobia, Mom), but with all those noises I'm anxious 24/7 that somebody'll break into our house and steal our stuff, or steal our car, or murder us in our sleep, or the gods only know what else. The reasonable paranoia is taking its toll on me, both mentally and physically. We need out NOW. Unfortunately, we can't afford anything better right now. Buying a house is right out because we can't get a home loan since our credit is severely fuck bad. We can't afford renting anything too much more expensive than this, and this was one of the only places in our price range that had washer/dryer hook-ups and accepted pets.
I almost never get out of the house and it's even rarer that I socialize with anybody other than Ben. That one's kind of my own fault, though not intentionally. Lately, I'm terrified to make that first move, to contact anybody other than Logan and Levi to see if they wanna hang out with me or go do something. I'm not exactly sure why, but it's the absolute biggest fear possible lately. I would rather hit myself in the face than do it most of the time. I don't think it's because I'm afraid they'll say no, because I'm even afraid to call up or text or message people I know would say yes in a heartbeat like Nikkichan or Aaron or Slone. I'm just... I'm too afraid. But unfortunately, nobody even takes that first step for me. Part of the reason is the very few times plans get made, I tend to cancel last minute because I'm too tired, or just plain too afraid. But this not leaving the house and not socializing at all thing is literally killing me. I tried going to art therapy, but that only made things worse because almost all the other people there were much older than me, so I had almost nothing in common (and it didn't help matters any that most of them had known each other for years, and were constantly having conversations that I had no way to join because I didn't know this person or hadn't gone to that event three years ago or whatever).
My phone isn't anywhere near nice enough to be able to play Pokemon Go on it. This may seem like a pathetic reason, and it is kind of, except for what it's doing to me. I'm being left out again, just like I always am when I can't afford some new and exciting technology, or when I can't afford to go somewhere with friends, or any other reason that I get left out. The vast majority of people that I know are playing it. Basically, other than me, everybody that wants to play it already is. This leaves me out of any conversation involving the game. This leaves me out of any of the meet ups for the game (I could technically go, but it's not fun if you're the only one not playing). This leaves me out of any of the trips to go catch Pokemon together (same reasoning as the meet ups). And since this game is such a huge freaking deal to so many of my friends, this leaves me out of most of what they're talking about and doing. And it brings up a LOT of bad memories about alllllllllllllllllll the other times in my life I've been left out of something that I wanted to do but couldn't. Getting the ala carte options instead of the basic school lunch because we couldn't afford anything other than the free lunch programs. Not being able to play whatever games my other friends were playing if it involved any equipment that was even vaguely expensive. Not getting to wear any brand name clothes too school because we couldn't afford anything that wasn't Walmart-cheap. Having to listen to my friends talk these great places they went on vacation like Ireland or California or Canada or Disney World or whatever, when all we could afford was camping, in tents, at Indian Lake (which was only about an hour's drive from where we lived). Getting weird looks from people now when they find out I'm 32, but have never been out of the country, never seen an ocean, and never even been on an airplane. Knowing that I will literally never be able to afford to go back to college, even if they made it free, even if they forgave all college loans (I owe Wright State themselves upwards of $30,000 or so by now, and most of it wasn't from loans), and then hearing people talk about not wanting to go to college, even they can afford it, even if their parents are offering to pay for literally everything. Just...
So basically, instead of anything getting better, the shit pile keeps growing and growing, and it's gotten to the point where I can't breathe anymore, it's so deep and thick. If air holes aren't poked into all my problems soon, I'm not sure how much longer I'll survive. Literally.
My psychiatrist doesn't listen to me and keeps prescribing medicines that end up being dangerous for myself and others. So far, since starting to see her, she's "tried" at least three different meds on me. Since she doesn't actually listen and/or give any fucks about me (I'm kind of wondering if maybe she's not fluent enough in English to properly do her job, since she has a very heavy western European accent), every single one of these meds have: A) done absolutely nothing for whichever mental illness I have that she was prescribing it for; B) either made the symptoms of said mental illness worse, given me brand new symptoms I didn't have before starting the med, or a fun fun combination of the two; and C) almost inevitably made me suicidal. When I mentioned being suicidal, up to the point of having a plan made out and steps I was in the process of following near the end of last year, she just nodded and continued like I hadn't said anything, even though this was a PSYCHIATRIST and I had been talking about how I had almost COMMITTED SUICIDE. So yeah...... pretty sure staying with her will just end up with me either in the hospital permanently or in a coffin (I have literally never had a mental health professional dealing me that was more incompetent at their job, including the therapist I had in Bellefontaine that bullied me to the point of wanting to kill myself that "mysteriously" went on medical leave and never returned shortly after I requested a transfer to a different therapist because I felt bullied, which makes me assume I wasn't the only victim). So when I go see her next, Ben's going to have a little words with her, and then we're going to get me set up with a different psychiatrist that isn't unintentionally trying to murder me.
For the last few months, Ben and I have had to go to the Social Security office near us literally at least twice a month to fix whatever fuck up they did this time, which was almost always a fuck up they had claimed they had "fixed" the last time we were. They keep withholding money from my monthly check, usually illegally, when they weren't supposed to. Every time they claim the problem's been fixed, they were lying through their teeth. It would seem that nobody there actually knows how to do their job. At one point, they had fucked up so bad that they had me listed as still living with my ex Jim, even though he kicked me out back in 2009. They had that one in my file a few months ago. We've been going in at the beginning of each month with our latest letter giving some non-existent reason for them taking money out of my check, usually some bullshit about being overpaid even though we'd already went in to get said bullshit fixed (because I had never actually been overpaid, to this day), and they temporarily fix it it and send the money they incorrectly withheld back to my account a few weeks later, when it's already too late to pay my rent or my car insurance with it. Then, every. Single. Time. They send us another letter saying that we owe them the money that they had wrongly withheld and finally sent us correctly, because I had been "overpaid". Or to put it simply: they keep money they shouldn't, then after we go in and fix it, they send the money they were supposed to send but didn't, then we get a letter saying we owe the money that they had sent when they had fixed them not sending the money the should have sent in the first fucking place, we go in to point out this idioticness, they lie to us about fixing it, and when the next month happens, repeat this exact same fucking process all over again, until the end of eternity. Yeah, it doesn't make any fucking sense to us, either, but it still happens literally every single month, exactly like that. Still waiting on the $73 they illegally withheld this month that we were told two weeks ago would be back in my account before last Wednesday, at the latest.
We can't afford a new bed, and the old box springs doesn't fit up the stairs, so I'm constantly in intense pain and I barely get any sleep so I'm constantly sleep deprived o top of the horrifying pain. This one doesn't need much explanation, actually. We've currently got the mattress directly on the floor in the bedroom, and that alone would be uncomfortable, even if the damn thing wasn't as worn out and useless as it is. Even worse is getting in and out of bed. My back and pretty much everything else is so out of wack that getting up from what is basically the floor itself is destroying it a little further every time I do it, and since the pain tends to be the worst right when I wake up, that makes everything just fuck all bad.
I've been gaining weight like mad crazy, but I have basically zero energy to do the basics like dishes or laundry, so I sure as fuck don't have it in me to exercise and lost the weight. And for me, dieting alone does next to nothing. Even if I ate nothing but raw fruits and vegetables and other equally as healthy and low in calories, it would probably take me about three months to lose one pound, and as soon as I stopped that for even a day, I'd gain everything I had lost back within a few weeks (depending on how much I had lost, about 10-20 a week gained, usually), but I'd gain at least another ten or twenty pounds extra. I have no idea how to get said energy necessary for me to exercise, seeing as how going downstairs to do whatever and then going back up again uses up so much energy that I have to sit for at least an hour before I have enough energy to even walk the few feet to go to the bathroom. Lately, I haven't been doing laundry, or dishes, or any other chores whatsoever. I've barely even been taking showers. Standing up for that long just wipes me for half the day. Caffeine doesn't help, extra sleep doesn't help, nothing helps, period.
Oh yeah, and the pain I'm in every second of every day deserves its own category, it's so bad. I have to pop Tylenol almost like Pez just to keep from screaming in pain and crying most of the time, and it's getting to where they don't work very well because I used them so much just to go from a 10 to a 7 on the pain scale occasionally. Hell, right now, my back in burning it hurts so bad, and I've barely done anything today, or recently, to make it be sore.
My medical doctor dropped my insurance last year (without telling me until I called to make an appointment for the sinus infection I had a few months after they had dropped me, mind you), but since I have a type of Medicaid that is barely accepted in Dayton, finding a general practitioner that not only accepts my kind of insurance but has an opening for me is harder to find than a real psychic running a psychic hotline for $4.99 per minute. It wouldn't be so hard to find if it weren't for the fact that the official lists maintained by Molina Medicaid mostly contain doctors offices that not only don't take Molina, but have never taken it and are incredibly confused as to why they were even on the list in the first place. So to find any sort of doctors office (like dentists, therapists, general practitioners, gynecologists, etc.), I have to basically cold call dozens and dozens of offices, ask if they accept Molina, ask if they are taking new patients, and for first three or four hours minimum, gets nothing but "no"s, and if I'm going off of the lists, a lot of above-mentioned confusion from receptionists. Not that either doctor I've had since moving here two years ago have been any good at their jobs or given one single fuck about whether I live or die. The first place was downright neglectful and abusive. She lied about the different pills I was prescribed, gave me one that was very well known to halt ovulation even though by that point I had probably told her we were trying to conceive at least half a dozen times, and constantly left me waiting over an hour because they literally forgot I was there. The second one was nicer, though she did everything in her power to avoid anything more difficult than a sinus infection (though at least she knew what one was, unlike my last "doctor"). That means neither of them did a single fucking thing about my pain or anything that was actually wrong with me. "She's a difficult patient because she actually wants us to treat her illness and medical conditions and not just treat her for the stuff she could easily treat herself with some NyQuil, plenty of fluids, and lots of rest. We must avoid her at all costs!" I'm not allowed to change which Medicaid provider I have until open enrollment in November, too (though I'm going to try calling soon and see if "so few places where I moved to accept Molina that it's impossible to get the medical care that I require as a functioning human being" is a good enough reason for them to switch me right the fuck now).
Our slumlord is trying brand new illegal ways to con money out of us, and are still not providing basic maintenance like we were promised in the least. Also, they didn't clean this place before we moved in like they said they would. The basement smelled heavily of dog piss, the carpets were so filthy the first few months that if you walked around barefoot for more than a few minutes, the bottoms of your feet turned black, we had to pick up a bunch of trash in the basement and found the used end of a blunt between the (not actually properly secured) carpet and the wall, we would leave messages with the maintenance guy and never hear back from him, or if he did actually respond, he wouldn't fix any of the stuff we told him needed fixed (almost a year later, and we still have a missing electrical outlet in the kitchen that he removed and never replaced, even though the one we told him was messed up was in the dining room), we left left multiple message about the roofing coming off after a huge storm a few months ago and we've never heard back from him, among many, many, many other things. They even painted over the electrical outlets and didn't clean them off afterwards, so most of them can't be used if it's a three prong plug (and every single outlet is wobbly and the plugs fall out constantly from it being so loose). Then there's cons where they try to illegally charge us money we never owed in the first place (the last time they claimed we had to pay them part of the water bill because a leak that we "should have reported" that didn't even exist, even though the lease states they are 100% responsible for 100% of the water bill 100% of the time, but when Ben asked for physical copies of the water bill to see where the sudden raise happened, they never brought it up again and didn't charge us for it).
The neighborhood we live in doesn't feel safe any more, because I'm constantly hearing noises that sound a LOT like gunshots. It's a lot like the worst parts of where I grew up, actually. I didn't mind the partially burned condemned house next to us (though I do wish they'd come tear it down, or at least pick up all the garbage, seeing as how the people who lived there before it burned down refused to use trash bags or even trash cans and just literally threw all their garbage into a pile in the backyard, which then blew in the wind into our yard constantly). I didn't care too much about the needs-to-be-replaced streets, or the sidewalks in the same condition. It's those possible gun shots that are scaring the living hell out of me. I'm always worried that they're actually gunshots, and that I'm not safe in my own home. I'm afraid of somebody breaking in no matter how safe the neighborhood (thanks for that phobia, Mom), but with all those noises I'm anxious 24/7 that somebody'll break into our house and steal our stuff, or steal our car, or murder us in our sleep, or the gods only know what else. The reasonable paranoia is taking its toll on me, both mentally and physically. We need out NOW. Unfortunately, we can't afford anything better right now. Buying a house is right out because we can't get a home loan since our credit is severely fuck bad. We can't afford renting anything too much more expensive than this, and this was one of the only places in our price range that had washer/dryer hook-ups and accepted pets.
I almost never get out of the house and it's even rarer that I socialize with anybody other than Ben. That one's kind of my own fault, though not intentionally. Lately, I'm terrified to make that first move, to contact anybody other than Logan and Levi to see if they wanna hang out with me or go do something. I'm not exactly sure why, but it's the absolute biggest fear possible lately. I would rather hit myself in the face than do it most of the time. I don't think it's because I'm afraid they'll say no, because I'm even afraid to call up or text or message people I know would say yes in a heartbeat like Nikkichan or Aaron or Slone. I'm just... I'm too afraid. But unfortunately, nobody even takes that first step for me. Part of the reason is the very few times plans get made, I tend to cancel last minute because I'm too tired, or just plain too afraid. But this not leaving the house and not socializing at all thing is literally killing me. I tried going to art therapy, but that only made things worse because almost all the other people there were much older than me, so I had almost nothing in common (and it didn't help matters any that most of them had known each other for years, and were constantly having conversations that I had no way to join because I didn't know this person or hadn't gone to that event three years ago or whatever).
My phone isn't anywhere near nice enough to be able to play Pokemon Go on it. This may seem like a pathetic reason, and it is kind of, except for what it's doing to me. I'm being left out again, just like I always am when I can't afford some new and exciting technology, or when I can't afford to go somewhere with friends, or any other reason that I get left out. The vast majority of people that I know are playing it. Basically, other than me, everybody that wants to play it already is. This leaves me out of any conversation involving the game. This leaves me out of any of the meet ups for the game (I could technically go, but it's not fun if you're the only one not playing). This leaves me out of any of the trips to go catch Pokemon together (same reasoning as the meet ups). And since this game is such a huge freaking deal to so many of my friends, this leaves me out of most of what they're talking about and doing. And it brings up a LOT of bad memories about alllllllllllllllllll the other times in my life I've been left out of something that I wanted to do but couldn't. Getting the ala carte options instead of the basic school lunch because we couldn't afford anything other than the free lunch programs. Not being able to play whatever games my other friends were playing if it involved any equipment that was even vaguely expensive. Not getting to wear any brand name clothes too school because we couldn't afford anything that wasn't Walmart-cheap. Having to listen to my friends talk these great places they went on vacation like Ireland or California or Canada or Disney World or whatever, when all we could afford was camping, in tents, at Indian Lake (which was only about an hour's drive from where we lived). Getting weird looks from people now when they find out I'm 32, but have never been out of the country, never seen an ocean, and never even been on an airplane. Knowing that I will literally never be able to afford to go back to college, even if they made it free, even if they forgave all college loans (I owe Wright State themselves upwards of $30,000 or so by now, and most of it wasn't from loans), and then hearing people talk about not wanting to go to college, even they can afford it, even if their parents are offering to pay for literally everything. Just...
So basically, instead of anything getting better, the shit pile keeps growing and growing, and it's gotten to the point where I can't breathe anymore, it's so deep and thick. If air holes aren't poked into all my problems soon, I'm not sure how much longer I'll survive. Literally.
Monday, March 21, 2016
Stream Of Consciousness
Sometimes I read books, and the story, or the characters, something about it feels so damn heavy. When I read One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest, I swear, it felt like I lost 500 pounds when I finally finished. This one I'm reading right now, The Imposter Bride by Nancy Richler, it feels like a lesser version of that, like it's only an extra 75 pounds or so, but I'm not completely sure why. It doesn't seem like it should be that heavy, you know? I think maybe I will just never understand my own mind.
I feel so damn tired lately. Tired and sick, even though I know I'm not actually sick. I think I haven't been getting much sleep lately, or at least not much restful sleep. If I go to bed before 4am, I can't fall asleep. If I take a sleeping pill before 4am, I get maybe an hour of sleep before I wake up and can't get back to sleep. If I go to bed after 4am, it takes me forever to fall asleep, and when I finally do, the fucking sun comes up and getting restful sleep becomes impossible. Maybe I don't do enough during the day? Don't move around enough? But the thing is, it's a never ending cycle, if that's the case. I don't do enough during the day because I don't have the energy because I didn't get enough sleep because I didn't do enough during the day because I didn't get enough sleep because...
I think I've started losing weight, because my clothes are fitting better, and people keep telling me I look like I've lost weight, but I just can't be happy about it because the scale keeps telling me I'm not losing. Hell, when I weighed myself earlier, it said I gained a pound. I want to lose weight, but I just don't have the energy to get up and exercise. I can't even go walking because Ohio decided that nice weather is a luxury we don't deserve any more. I'm sure it'll stop being Winter 2.0 soon, but for now, it's cold as balls outside. And that means no exercise involving going outside whatsoever (unless I feel like dealing with 3 months of sinus infections again). *sighs*
In art therapy, I'm painting a bird house. It looks okay so far, but since I'm the one doing it, I can't help but think it looks like shit that nobody in their right mind would ever think of buying. Everything I create, I think is the most awful thing that has ever existed. I even hate my writing because I think it's terrible (even the stuff I like). Actually, no, I just think that everybody else will think it's terrible, and that's what makes me hate it so much. I can't believe that I can actually make something that an unbiased person would actually like or enjoy. I literally can't believe it. Why yes, my self-esteem is really that low.
This post was a bit of a test, to see if doing stream of consciousness writing helps me feel any better. I think this test was actually kind of successful. Might hafta start doing these more often.
I feel so damn tired lately. Tired and sick, even though I know I'm not actually sick. I think I haven't been getting much sleep lately, or at least not much restful sleep. If I go to bed before 4am, I can't fall asleep. If I take a sleeping pill before 4am, I get maybe an hour of sleep before I wake up and can't get back to sleep. If I go to bed after 4am, it takes me forever to fall asleep, and when I finally do, the fucking sun comes up and getting restful sleep becomes impossible. Maybe I don't do enough during the day? Don't move around enough? But the thing is, it's a never ending cycle, if that's the case. I don't do enough during the day because I don't have the energy because I didn't get enough sleep because I didn't do enough during the day because I didn't get enough sleep because...
I think I've started losing weight, because my clothes are fitting better, and people keep telling me I look like I've lost weight, but I just can't be happy about it because the scale keeps telling me I'm not losing. Hell, when I weighed myself earlier, it said I gained a pound. I want to lose weight, but I just don't have the energy to get up and exercise. I can't even go walking because Ohio decided that nice weather is a luxury we don't deserve any more. I'm sure it'll stop being Winter 2.0 soon, but for now, it's cold as balls outside. And that means no exercise involving going outside whatsoever (unless I feel like dealing with 3 months of sinus infections again). *sighs*
In art therapy, I'm painting a bird house. It looks okay so far, but since I'm the one doing it, I can't help but think it looks like shit that nobody in their right mind would ever think of buying. Everything I create, I think is the most awful thing that has ever existed. I even hate my writing because I think it's terrible (even the stuff I like). Actually, no, I just think that everybody else will think it's terrible, and that's what makes me hate it so much. I can't believe that I can actually make something that an unbiased person would actually like or enjoy. I literally can't believe it. Why yes, my self-esteem is really that low.
This post was a bit of a test, to see if doing stream of consciousness writing helps me feel any better. I think this test was actually kind of successful. Might hafta start doing these more often.
Thursday, March 10, 2016
Catharsis Time!
I have just been dealing with waaaaaaaay too much shit lately. No clue when I can see my therapist yet (I canceled my appointment on Friday because of stomach cramps and she hasn't called back yet, I'm going to try calling again tomorrow), so I'm just going to info dump in here for a bit, see if that helps any. Before I start, I apologize for all the negativity in this post (and in a lot of my posts). It's easier to rant and complain than it is to write about happy stuff, for some weird reason. Or at least it feels better. Maybe because people are always willing to listen to the good stuff but rarely the bad? *shrugs* Well, here's a good thing to help you trudge through the bad: Ben and I got married on February 29th. I'll try to put up a post about that later, with nothing bad in it, but I hafta put the bad stuff first or else it might leak into the good stuff.
Here goes.
Too much shit. Too much shit. TOO MUCH FUCKING SHIT!
So, got married on the 29th, right? Well my lovely abusive parents decided to ruin it (mind you, I hadn't told them we were getting married any time soon the last I talked to them back in October, so as far as they knew they were just ruining a random Monday (as well as my life), but that still doesn't excuse them). The wedding itself went wonderful, the "reception" went great too (cake in our dining room with everybody that showed for the wedding in the field behind our house). But then John sent me a text message about how I'm making my mother so depressed and I'm a horrible person for not wanting to be abused by them any longer, holy shit guilt trip blah blah blah. I'd already been stressed as fuck the entire week leading up to the wedding (I was terrified I was going to fuck up something, anything, everything, because yay anxiety), so this new low-even-for-John level of bullshit he was resorting to snapped me. I grabbed the bottle of vanilla vodka (75 proof), a shot glass, and sat down on the couch and started drinking. Only 6 shots left in the bottle, but it was enough to let the floodgates flow. Logan and Levi were still there, so Logan helped me feel better (after a whiskey sour to add to the vodka on an otherwise empty stomach) while Levi was upstairs with Ben as he used my phone to call John and tell him how much of a fucking monster he was and is and always will be, and how he ruined my life already, but thank you extra for ruining my wedding. I'm bawling downstairs this whole time, and then I went into full-on panic attack mode because I was terrified John was going to come to our house and do something (and it's John, so I still wouldn't put it past him, even now). And since Ben doesn't have over a decade of abuse acceptance training from John, he wouldn't fold to any of his manipulative fuckface-ery, which pissed John off to no end because he always wins, no matter how wrong he is, cuz he beats his opponent until they give up (I'd say thankfully not physically, but at least if he'd hit me, I could've had him put away in prison, and the punches wouldn't have hurt near as bad as the crap he actually did on an almost daily basis). So, long story short, I have no idea if/when they're going to turn my phone off, if/when they're going to come here and harass me in person, if they were lying when they said they were finally going to let me have all of my stuff back that they literally would not let me take when I moved in with Ben, and if I'm going to have to end up getting a restraining order against the both of them. So yeah, best wedding present evar.
Fast forward five days. I won't go into the details of the matter that led up to it, but a friend made a comment, while severely stressed himself, that trivialized rape, and having had Matt rape me at 19, and having known a few other rape survivors in my time, and have seen just how bad the stigma in this country is for anybody that gets raped, it made me re-snap. I almost ended up in the hospital because of it. Didn't help matters any that Ben is really bad with words sometimes, and he unintentionally sounded like he was trivializing my rape as well. Figured out everything with Ben, and now I just need to have a conversation with the friend to make sure he understands why what he said was bad, and why it stabbed me worse than almost anything else ever has (and considering the shit from my past, like the guy who almost murdered me and the girl her literally ruined my life in 3rd grade, that's really saying something). Adding injury to insult, I ended up semi-reliving the damn thing in my head, and let me just say, I would rather saw off my left foot with a dull butter knife covered in salt and lemon juice and battery acid than ever have to remember that horrible experience ever again. Hell, I'd rather chew through the damn ankle myself.
And now, because hell on earth comes in 3s (or 3 billions if you're me), I have some mildly threatening guy calling for some bitch named Brittany Mayo who apparently used to live here but never fucking bothered to fill out a change of address for literally anything (because we've almost gotten more mail for her than we have for ourselves at this point), saying he needed to serve papers to her and that he was coming by her house (our house, not fucking hers, but why would he ever bother checking out ANY information when he can just sound like he's coming to arrest me in Brittany Mayo's place because he damn well feels like it?) on Friday. I'm assuming he paid to get the information look-up from the white pages, which lists me and two chicks I've never met (one of who we get mail for constantly, and neither of which were Brittany Mayo) as the people who are associated with this address (so I get to call them up tomorrow and ask them why those other two bitches are listed and please remove them because I don't want to get harassed because of them next). Ben called the number that was in the vague as metric fuck message and told them that it's my number, not hers, it was NEVER hers, and that she hasn't lived here since before we signed the lease in July, and the guy said that they removed the number for us and basically hung up on Ben. So, at this point, I have no fucking clue what's going on. Is loan shark knee cap breaker coming by tomorrow to serve me a death certificate, or did they actually fix their very big mistake, or am I still going to be getting harassing phone calls directed towards some bitch I have literally never met in my entire life? The worst part is, when I Googled the two numbers that were my missed calls (the guy left the message when I was asleep, and the other number didn't leave any message), I found out that, according to the people on 800notes, that one of those numbers was repeatedly connected to that IRS scam where they pretend to be from the IRS and tell you you owe the government lots of money and you need to send it all to this P.O. Box immediately and not to any actual government addresses, as well as a few other highly illegal debt collector scams. The guy that left the message even sounded a little bit like the guy who left that message for me a few years back about how I was going to jail for check fraud and I needed to call the number he gave me to set up a court thing or whatever. I'm sure at least some of you remember that experience? I was planning on killing myself because I was afraid of going to jail and being constantly raped and abused. Always fun when one lie from a sleazy illegally-operating debt collection agency almost sends you to the hospital. Basically, I was about an hour away from asking Ben to drive me to the ER (I had already cut my leg in a couple places, and was about to start on my arm) when I looked up the phone number I was supposed to call, and found out they were sending out literally the exact same message to a ton of other people, and only changing the county that the court was in, depending on where the person being scammed lived. At this point, for all I know, maybe this WAS the exact same guy and the exact same company. I have to deal with this shit for strangers now, too?
And, to add a lovely end to an otherwise shit-filled couple of weeks (save the actual wedding bits), I masochistically read the comments section of a friend's anti-Trump Facebook post and had the displeasure of reading the eye-bleedingly stupid insanity of not one but two Bigots For Trump. Can I just please fast forward through to about December? That way, if Bernie won, all this shit will be over, and if just about anybody else won (especially ANY Republican, and ESPECIALLY the Trump monster) we can start planning on which country we're going to move to. Because I've been paying attention to this election, I've been seeing the interviews, been reading what each person plans to do with the presidency, and Bernie plans to unfuck America, Clinton plans to do whatever her corporate sponsors want her to do, and every single Republican plans on metaphorically killing off this entire country and possibly destroying the entire world so it'll be a matched set. Literally every single possible Republican candidate scares the living hell out of me. And I don't mean that in any joking way whatsoever. They scare me. They terrify me, because of the stuff they're planning on doing, and because of the KKK and Neo-Nazi level hate mongering they're encouraging just to get the ignorant bigot vote. As the sign said that got that guy kicked out of a Trump rally, if any Republican wins, they will most certainly "Make America Hate Again" (paraphrased so it's not just Trump monster). They've been doing such a good job of it already. What the hell kind of future are we leaving for our children? And if Trump wins, are we even leaving them one?
Oh, and not that anybody actually comments on these things, but I do in fact screen every (rare) comment that comes through before it gets posted on here. I do it to get rid of spam, but it's also great to weed out any hate mail (not that I've gotten any on this blog, but I have gotten it before). So, if you want to bash me for thinking that the anti-Christ would be a safer choice for president than the literal monster that is Trump, then feel free. And make sure to leave your IP address so that I can block you, because I'm not a fan of bigots, and if you support Trump you are a bigot. End. Of. Story.
Here goes.
Too much shit. Too much shit. TOO MUCH FUCKING SHIT!
So, got married on the 29th, right? Well my lovely abusive parents decided to ruin it (mind you, I hadn't told them we were getting married any time soon the last I talked to them back in October, so as far as they knew they were just ruining a random Monday (as well as my life), but that still doesn't excuse them). The wedding itself went wonderful, the "reception" went great too (cake in our dining room with everybody that showed for the wedding in the field behind our house). But then John sent me a text message about how I'm making my mother so depressed and I'm a horrible person for not wanting to be abused by them any longer, holy shit guilt trip blah blah blah. I'd already been stressed as fuck the entire week leading up to the wedding (I was terrified I was going to fuck up something, anything, everything, because yay anxiety), so this new low-even-for-John level of bullshit he was resorting to snapped me. I grabbed the bottle of vanilla vodka (75 proof), a shot glass, and sat down on the couch and started drinking. Only 6 shots left in the bottle, but it was enough to let the floodgates flow. Logan and Levi were still there, so Logan helped me feel better (after a whiskey sour to add to the vodka on an otherwise empty stomach) while Levi was upstairs with Ben as he used my phone to call John and tell him how much of a fucking monster he was and is and always will be, and how he ruined my life already, but thank you extra for ruining my wedding. I'm bawling downstairs this whole time, and then I went into full-on panic attack mode because I was terrified John was going to come to our house and do something (and it's John, so I still wouldn't put it past him, even now). And since Ben doesn't have over a decade of abuse acceptance training from John, he wouldn't fold to any of his manipulative fuckface-ery, which pissed John off to no end because he always wins, no matter how wrong he is, cuz he beats his opponent until they give up (I'd say thankfully not physically, but at least if he'd hit me, I could've had him put away in prison, and the punches wouldn't have hurt near as bad as the crap he actually did on an almost daily basis). So, long story short, I have no idea if/when they're going to turn my phone off, if/when they're going to come here and harass me in person, if they were lying when they said they were finally going to let me have all of my stuff back that they literally would not let me take when I moved in with Ben, and if I'm going to have to end up getting a restraining order against the both of them. So yeah, best wedding present evar.
Fast forward five days. I won't go into the details of the matter that led up to it, but a friend made a comment, while severely stressed himself, that trivialized rape, and having had Matt rape me at 19, and having known a few other rape survivors in my time, and have seen just how bad the stigma in this country is for anybody that gets raped, it made me re-snap. I almost ended up in the hospital because of it. Didn't help matters any that Ben is really bad with words sometimes, and he unintentionally sounded like he was trivializing my rape as well. Figured out everything with Ben, and now I just need to have a conversation with the friend to make sure he understands why what he said was bad, and why it stabbed me worse than almost anything else ever has (and considering the shit from my past, like the guy who almost murdered me and the girl her literally ruined my life in 3rd grade, that's really saying something). Adding injury to insult, I ended up semi-reliving the damn thing in my head, and let me just say, I would rather saw off my left foot with a dull butter knife covered in salt and lemon juice and battery acid than ever have to remember that horrible experience ever again. Hell, I'd rather chew through the damn ankle myself.
And now, because hell on earth comes in 3s (or 3 billions if you're me), I have some mildly threatening guy calling for some bitch named Brittany Mayo who apparently used to live here but never fucking bothered to fill out a change of address for literally anything (because we've almost gotten more mail for her than we have for ourselves at this point), saying he needed to serve papers to her and that he was coming by her house (our house, not fucking hers, but why would he ever bother checking out ANY information when he can just sound like he's coming to arrest me in Brittany Mayo's place because he damn well feels like it?) on Friday. I'm assuming he paid to get the information look-up from the white pages, which lists me and two chicks I've never met (one of who we get mail for constantly, and neither of which were Brittany Mayo) as the people who are associated with this address (so I get to call them up tomorrow and ask them why those other two bitches are listed and please remove them because I don't want to get harassed because of them next). Ben called the number that was in the vague as metric fuck message and told them that it's my number, not hers, it was NEVER hers, and that she hasn't lived here since before we signed the lease in July, and the guy said that they removed the number for us and basically hung up on Ben. So, at this point, I have no fucking clue what's going on. Is loan shark knee cap breaker coming by tomorrow to serve me a death certificate, or did they actually fix their very big mistake, or am I still going to be getting harassing phone calls directed towards some bitch I have literally never met in my entire life? The worst part is, when I Googled the two numbers that were my missed calls (the guy left the message when I was asleep, and the other number didn't leave any message), I found out that, according to the people on 800notes, that one of those numbers was repeatedly connected to that IRS scam where they pretend to be from the IRS and tell you you owe the government lots of money and you need to send it all to this P.O. Box immediately and not to any actual government addresses, as well as a few other highly illegal debt collector scams. The guy that left the message even sounded a little bit like the guy who left that message for me a few years back about how I was going to jail for check fraud and I needed to call the number he gave me to set up a court thing or whatever. I'm sure at least some of you remember that experience? I was planning on killing myself because I was afraid of going to jail and being constantly raped and abused. Always fun when one lie from a sleazy illegally-operating debt collection agency almost sends you to the hospital. Basically, I was about an hour away from asking Ben to drive me to the ER (I had already cut my leg in a couple places, and was about to start on my arm) when I looked up the phone number I was supposed to call, and found out they were sending out literally the exact same message to a ton of other people, and only changing the county that the court was in, depending on where the person being scammed lived. At this point, for all I know, maybe this WAS the exact same guy and the exact same company. I have to deal with this shit for strangers now, too?
And, to add a lovely end to an otherwise shit-filled couple of weeks (save the actual wedding bits), I masochistically read the comments section of a friend's anti-Trump Facebook post and had the displeasure of reading the eye-bleedingly stupid insanity of not one but two Bigots For Trump. Can I just please fast forward through to about December? That way, if Bernie won, all this shit will be over, and if just about anybody else won (especially ANY Republican, and ESPECIALLY the Trump monster) we can start planning on which country we're going to move to. Because I've been paying attention to this election, I've been seeing the interviews, been reading what each person plans to do with the presidency, and Bernie plans to unfuck America, Clinton plans to do whatever her corporate sponsors want her to do, and every single Republican plans on metaphorically killing off this entire country and possibly destroying the entire world so it'll be a matched set. Literally every single possible Republican candidate scares the living hell out of me. And I don't mean that in any joking way whatsoever. They scare me. They terrify me, because of the stuff they're planning on doing, and because of the KKK and Neo-Nazi level hate mongering they're encouraging just to get the ignorant bigot vote. As the sign said that got that guy kicked out of a Trump rally, if any Republican wins, they will most certainly "Make America Hate Again" (paraphrased so it's not just Trump monster). They've been doing such a good job of it already. What the hell kind of future are we leaving for our children? And if Trump wins, are we even leaving them one?
Oh, and not that anybody actually comments on these things, but I do in fact screen every (rare) comment that comes through before it gets posted on here. I do it to get rid of spam, but it's also great to weed out any hate mail (not that I've gotten any on this blog, but I have gotten it before). So, if you want to bash me for thinking that the anti-Christ would be a safer choice for president than the literal monster that is Trump, then feel free. And make sure to leave your IP address so that I can block you, because I'm not a fan of bigots, and if you support Trump you are a bigot. End. Of. Story.
Saturday, October 10, 2015
Yeah, It Is Supposed To Have A Title, Isn't It?
You ever get that thing in your head, where you want a write a blog post, but you have no idea what you want to write about? Cuz that's me right now. *shrugs*
We decided fuck it, we're just gonna drive to Pennsylvania. It'll save us about $50 or so (I think, unless the gas is fuck expensive there). Plus, we won't have to keep asking Whitters to give us rides to places, and we can leave here, and leave to come home, when we damn well feel like it, instead of by the bus's schedule. And I won't have to leave my car in the Greyhound parking lot for 5 days, too. In Columbus, no less. So, yays! Also, no weight limit or bag number restrictions, so we can take our own pillows and blankets (and possibly a fan), as well as any of our board games that we want (Ben's happy that we get to take Legendary and Sentinels Of The Multiverse). Makes life a bit easier. And the money we save is going towards a new serpentine belt before we leave, which we needed anyway, so more yays there!
The kittens are doing really good, and Pocky and Wasabi are being much less bitchy. Wasabi's been licking them clean, even. That makes me glad. I was afraid they'd hate the poor babies forever. Pocky's still a bit bitchier than Wasabi, though, but here's hoping. They each have a favorite kitten that they treat better than the other one, though. Wasabi really likes Unagi, and Mochi is Pocky's favorite. They each picked the one with the similar personality. ^_^ I <3 my furbabies so much.
I entered a poetry contest at the library a few weeks ago, and recently got an email saying they received it, and were doing the reading and judging and such right now. If I'm one of the finalists, they'll call me. The thing is, I couldn't use Underneath The Surface, which was my only non-sucktacular poem, so I highly doubt I'll be getting that phone call. *sighs* I used to be able to write buttloads of poetry when I was severely depressed, but now that I'm not cutting myself on a regular basis, not a freaking word of poetry. Gyah! I had to use one of the ones I wrote when I was in 7th grade. Hey, muses, get the fuck back here already! Amber wants to get back to writing! Fucking bitches, the whole lot of them... *grumbles about her deadbeat muses*
So, last but not least, I submitted two drabbles to the FWG Halloween anthology this year (since my muses allowed that much). I think they're both okay-ish. Here they are. (for those that don't know, a drabble is an entire story, told in exactly 100 words)
We decided fuck it, we're just gonna drive to Pennsylvania. It'll save us about $50 or so (I think, unless the gas is fuck expensive there). Plus, we won't have to keep asking Whitters to give us rides to places, and we can leave here, and leave to come home, when we damn well feel like it, instead of by the bus's schedule. And I won't have to leave my car in the Greyhound parking lot for 5 days, too. In Columbus, no less. So, yays! Also, no weight limit or bag number restrictions, so we can take our own pillows and blankets (and possibly a fan), as well as any of our board games that we want (Ben's happy that we get to take Legendary and Sentinels Of The Multiverse). Makes life a bit easier. And the money we save is going towards a new serpentine belt before we leave, which we needed anyway, so more yays there!
The kittens are doing really good, and Pocky and Wasabi are being much less bitchy. Wasabi's been licking them clean, even. That makes me glad. I was afraid they'd hate the poor babies forever. Pocky's still a bit bitchier than Wasabi, though, but here's hoping. They each have a favorite kitten that they treat better than the other one, though. Wasabi really likes Unagi, and Mochi is Pocky's favorite. They each picked the one with the similar personality. ^_^ I <3 my furbabies so much.
I entered a poetry contest at the library a few weeks ago, and recently got an email saying they received it, and were doing the reading and judging and such right now. If I'm one of the finalists, they'll call me. The thing is, I couldn't use Underneath The Surface, which was my only non-sucktacular poem, so I highly doubt I'll be getting that phone call. *sighs* I used to be able to write buttloads of poetry when I was severely depressed, but now that I'm not cutting myself on a regular basis, not a freaking word of poetry. Gyah! I had to use one of the ones I wrote when I was in 7th grade. Hey, muses, get the fuck back here already! Amber wants to get back to writing! Fucking bitches, the whole lot of them... *grumbles about her deadbeat muses*
So, last but not least, I submitted two drabbles to the FWG Halloween anthology this year (since my muses allowed that much). I think they're both okay-ish. Here they are. (for those that don't know, a drabble is an entire story, told in exactly 100 words)
Hospitable by V. Amber
“That's the fifth family this year,
Bob,” Veronica muttered as she watched the people putting stuff
into a moving truck as quickly as they could.
“Yep,” Bob replied as he leaned
back in the dusty chair.
“I try to be hospitable, I do,” she
went on, waving her hands about. “Moaning at night to entertain
them. Blood running down the walls for decoration. But this always
happens.”
“The living are strange that way,
dear. Always have been, always will be,” Bob said, same as every
other time.
“Hopefully the next family stays
longer,” Veronica grumbled.
Bloody Mary by V. Amber
“Bloody Mary,” Danielle chanted
over and over, staring into the bathroom mirror. The candle
flickered, but nothing else happened.
“You said since it was Halloween,
it'd work,” her sister Lisa complained, punching her lightly.
“It was supposed to, I swear,”
Danielle whined, staring harder, in case that's what was missing.
“Didn't work, loser,” Lisa said,
spraying tap water at her, splashing some onto the mirror.
As the water dripped down, Danielle
sighed and turned on the lights. “It should've...”
The water dripping onto Danielle's face
that woke her up later that night proved that it had.
Wednesday, October 7, 2015
Wedding Blues
So, one of my very closest friends is getting married in less than two weeks, and I desperately want to be there (and I'm allowed to be, because I'm invited, and so is Ben). The only sucky part is the fact that she lives in Pittsburgh, PA, while I live in Dayton, OH. It's less than a 4 hour drive, but no way in hell would my car make it that far (and if it did, I doubt it'd make the return trip). Wouldn't want to drive it anyway, because I hatehatehate driving somewhere that I don't know where I'm going, and I extra hate huge highways that I don't know where I'm supposed to turn off at. So, that means bus ride (because fuck are plane tickets expensive). There's some really good ones scheduled by Greyhound, but the closer it gets to the departure date, the more expensive they become. We won't have the money to buy the tickets until Thursday, and they're already at $100+, and the price keeps on rising. At this rate, I'm not 100% sure if we're going to be able to afford to go. *cries softly* I've only ever been invited to one friend's wedding, but I couldn't make it because I was sick as a freaking dog, for the few days before and after, as well. That sucked so damn hard, because these were friends I'd had since college, and I think I may have even been the one who introduced them. And this current wedding is for one of my longest-held friends (we met online in... 2001, I think?), who I actually stayed in contact with for all those years. She's always been on my blogrolls, always been on my friends lists, whether it be MySpace, LiveJournal, Facebook, or any other site we were both on. I'm willing to do almost anything to get to that wedding. I haven't seen her in 13 years!
So yeah, since I don't trust eBay (and don't have the dough to drop on all the shipping crap right now anyway), and it's too late in the year and my neighborhood isn't the right kind for a yard sale, and consignment shops wouldn't buy the kind of clothes I want to sell, that means I get to sell stuff at Half Price again. And usually, that thought fills me with dread. But for once, I don't feel so bad. Not only is the money going towards something I desperately want, but I think I can finally accept the fact that I don't actually need all the crap that I own, I just want it. My growing-up-really-poor is showing.
Though for some later time, I might wanna try out eBay. Just because I was screwed over the one time I sold something on there (I sold a digital iTunes gift card to someone, and after they paid me and I sent the code to them, theylied through their fucking teeth claimed that their account was hacked, so eBay sent me an email about how I'd get my item back (which was literally impossible) and the person would get their money back, yet I still ended up getting the money deposited in my PayPal account, so I have no fucking clue at this point), that doesn't mean I'll get screwed over again. Plus, this'll be physical merchandise, so they can't really wait until they get it, claim their account was hacked, and still get to keep it. I have a friend who sells a ton of stuff on eBay. I'll hafta ask her how to go about it the right way. Cuz it's clothing that I can't fit and don't want enough to keep it around until it fits (most if it, I'd have to lose at least 50 pounds to get into it, and some I'd need to lose even more). *shrugs* Dunno. Worth a try, I guess? Just won't work for this particular thing. *sighs*
So yeah, since I don't trust eBay (and don't have the dough to drop on all the shipping crap right now anyway), and it's too late in the year and my neighborhood isn't the right kind for a yard sale, and consignment shops wouldn't buy the kind of clothes I want to sell, that means I get to sell stuff at Half Price again. And usually, that thought fills me with dread. But for once, I don't feel so bad. Not only is the money going towards something I desperately want, but I think I can finally accept the fact that I don't actually need all the crap that I own, I just want it. My growing-up-really-poor is showing.
Though for some later time, I might wanna try out eBay. Just because I was screwed over the one time I sold something on there (I sold a digital iTunes gift card to someone, and after they paid me and I sent the code to them, they
Friday, October 2, 2015
Random Complaints
Not sure why, but right now, I feel like complaining. Not about anything major, but just a few random annoying things.
My head hurts. I really need to go to bed, and I kinda want to go to bed, but I'm not going to bed. One of these days, I need to figure out why the hell I do this. It's kicking my ass. Especially cuz we have a few things we gotta do today. Ugh.
Acid reflux like fuuuuuuuck. Owwie. I guess that's what I get for only having eaten a Burger King breakfast, and a Chinese food buffet dinner today (or yesterday, since it's past midnight or whatever). Really need to start eating healthy.
I'm hungry, but we don't have any snack-like items in the house (unless you count dry cereal, since we're outta milk), but I also don't want to take the 20+ minutes it'd take to actually make real food. I really hate when that happens. Good thing we're going to Aldi later. Hello, granola bars. Om nom nom.
Pocky is still being a bitch to the kittens. Wasabi is getting way better, only hissing after prolonged exposure, but Pocky is still being a brat. At least it's just hissing, though, and no swatting or other physical altercations.
Blarg, soooooooo tired. Want a box spring we can actually use upstairs! I'm am sick to fucking death of waking up every day feeling like somebody took a damn sledgehammer to my lower back. We have the damn money to buy a box spring, but we have no way of transporting it here, because a Chevy Cavalier isn't exactly big enough to carry it. Gyah! I need to make friends with somebody who owns or has reliable access to a truck. Is there a box I can click on a dating site that says I'm not single, not looking for a date, but I am looking to make friends, especially if they own a truck?
Oh well, at least in good news, Netflix finally got the Doctor Who 2014 Christmas special. They got series 8, like, four months or so ago. I'm thinking of watching it tomorrow with Ben. That way, we'll be a little less behind. It'll also mean that, once we find a site that has the episodes, we can start on series 9. w00t!
And now, I leave you with random stupid shit I found while internetting.
I wonder if anybody even reads this any more...
My head hurts. I really need to go to bed, and I kinda want to go to bed, but I'm not going to bed. One of these days, I need to figure out why the hell I do this. It's kicking my ass. Especially cuz we have a few things we gotta do today. Ugh.
Acid reflux like fuuuuuuuck. Owwie. I guess that's what I get for only having eaten a Burger King breakfast, and a Chinese food buffet dinner today (or yesterday, since it's past midnight or whatever). Really need to start eating healthy.
I'm hungry, but we don't have any snack-like items in the house (unless you count dry cereal, since we're outta milk), but I also don't want to take the 20+ minutes it'd take to actually make real food. I really hate when that happens. Good thing we're going to Aldi later. Hello, granola bars. Om nom nom.
Pocky is still being a bitch to the kittens. Wasabi is getting way better, only hissing after prolonged exposure, but Pocky is still being a brat. At least it's just hissing, though, and no swatting or other physical altercations.
Blarg, soooooooo tired. Want a box spring we can actually use upstairs! I'm am sick to fucking death of waking up every day feeling like somebody took a damn sledgehammer to my lower back. We have the damn money to buy a box spring, but we have no way of transporting it here, because a Chevy Cavalier isn't exactly big enough to carry it. Gyah! I need to make friends with somebody who owns or has reliable access to a truck. Is there a box I can click on a dating site that says I'm not single, not looking for a date, but I am looking to make friends, especially if they own a truck?
Oh well, at least in good news, Netflix finally got the Doctor Who 2014 Christmas special. They got series 8, like, four months or so ago. I'm thinking of watching it tomorrow with Ben. That way, we'll be a little less behind. It'll also mean that, once we find a site that has the episodes, we can start on series 9. w00t!
And now, I leave you with random stupid shit I found while internetting.
I wonder if anybody even reads this any more...
Wednesday, September 30, 2015
Holy Crap, She's Back!
Usual crap, blah blah blah, need to post more, brain no worky, etc etc etc...
But yeah, I think it's high time my ass started using this thing again (as I said, usual crap). Though this time, it's hopefully gonna be for reals. Cuz I think writing blog posts used to make me feel happy. Let's see if I can get that back. Also, if it helps by being even the slightest bit cathartic, I'm game. Cuz dear gods, my everything is fucking up and going crazy lately.
I'm angry so damn often. Especially when driving. Fuck damn near everybody on the road. If a person is going ten miles over the damn speed limit, everybody else should not still be zooming past her. Fuuuu....... And I'm even getting pissed about how all those ex-friends used to treat me. I mean gods, I'm too afraid to go back to Guild at this point because Rich might go out of his way to harass me again (and I do NOT need another nervous breakdown like his last harassment fun time caused me), or that Brad'll yell at me for rightfully blocking him on Facebook. Hell, I'm even worried that Logan'll yell at me for my not letting Rich abuse me any more, since he apparently unfriended me on Facebook shortly after the Rich incident...
Oh well, whatever. I'm sure I can find some other way to socialize. I do have a few friends I could hang out with (I think I still do...). I just have to work up the courage to ask them if they want to hang, because at this point, I'm wondering if I never get invites to hang from other people because they're waiting for me to make the first move. >_< But, I will have to start making an effort soon. Not just yet, though, because I don't want to leave the kittens alone for too long right now.
Speaking of, we got two new kittens on Monday. A little medium-haired brown tabby girl that we named Mochi, and a short-haired tuxedo-ish girl we named Unagi. We decided to keep with the Japanese food name theme, because we're weird like that. Pocky and Wasabi still don't know what to think, and they're both still doing the hissing thing, but it's already getting a tiny bit better. Yays!
Not exactly the best of quality photos, but it was kinda dark in the living room, and this is literally the only picture so far that has both of them in it, and they're actually not moving AND looking almost at the camera. So damn cute, aren't they? Mochi is kind of timid still, so I think she's never gonna be an in-your-face cat like Pocky, but I was hoping for a chill kitty, so I'm happy. Unagi is very adventurous and brave, and has to explore everything ever. Once they all get used to each other, I can see her being besties with Pocky. Or absolutely hating her guts. One of those two extremes.
I've been getting addicted to new websites very recently. First, I found Habitica, which is basically a productivity app/website, where to motivate you into doing the stuff you need to be doing, you're given an avatar, and it's treated like an RPG. By checking off the things you've done (like a load of laundry, or you ate a healthy dinner, or finished an essay for class, or whatever), you get experience points which goes towards leveling up and being more badass, and gold which goes towards buying better equipment to be more of a badass. I'm level 4 so far, and it's really been helping me actually want to do chores and such.
Also, I started playing my newest full on fucking addiction, Hogwarts Extreme. It's kinda like how Pottermore used to be, where you get sorted, and can chat and roleplay with other people on the site. No potions or dueling, but Pottermore doesn't have that any more either (all it is now is a blog with all the extra stories she's been writing), so it's all good. I spotted it while going through my Facebook feed, because it was a sponsored post. Normally I would've just kept scrolling, but they said I could take the Hogwarts classes! Holy crap, holy crap, I get to take stuff like Potions and Transfigurations and oh my gods! That's the biggest reason I always wanted to go to Hogwarts (that and the library). It's kinda like reading comprehension for mini-fanfics, but I don't care, it's Hogwarts classes! I'm a Hufflepuff, of course, and I'm so beyond ecstatic about it all. So yeah, kinda completely obsessed.
Also, I've been reading up a storm. I'm at 79 normal books (meaning not manga) for 2015 so far, and I'm hoping to hit 100 by the end of the year. Most likely going to, too. Tried reading The Giver, but dear gods I was bored stiff the entire book. Also, they explained literally nothing. I could see that if it was one of those damn first-book-in-the-series-free-ebooks that claim to be the first "book", when really it's only the first few chapters of a proper book, so they don't explain anything on purpose to get you to drop $3.99 for the next book or whatever, but this thing was written in '93. This thing was supposed to be an entire book. Yeah, I think not. Kinda glad I didn't get stuck reading it in school, because there would've been an argument between me and the teacher over why I refused to finish it. Ugh...
And last but not least, Halloween is only a month away. *SQUEE!* I'm so excited, because I'm already invited to two different parties, and I'm not counting the Guild "party" either. Not sure what my costume'll be, since we're kinda not currently rolling in the dough. I have a few different things I can pull together from just my closet, and a few more with the addition of a few bucks-worth of extras. Depending on how his next check looks, size-wise, I might even head over to one of the countless Halloween pop-up stores to see what all they have, or just swing by Foy's. I'm definitely going to have to hit up downtown Fairborn to see all the decorations, though, because damn does Foy's go all freaking out. And depending on when Trick-Or-Treat is, we might pass out candy, too. I <3 passing out candy. It almost makes up for not being able to collect it any more.
Oh, almost forgot. We signed the lease for the house we're in right now back on July 31st, and moved in on August 6th. It's a half a duplex near-ish downtown (for people that know Dayton, it's on Kilmer, one street over from James H. McGee and less than a mile from 3rd Street). It's a three bedroom one bathroom with a basement and washer dryer hook-ups. It's about three times as big as the apartment was (if you count the basement), and it costs $150 less per month. And it's not an apartment. Because fuck apartment complexes any more. Especially fuck Woodman Park Apartments. Fuck them in the face with a chainsaw on high. Blarg.
Is it bad that we're still not completely unpacked? And that I have yet to hang anything up on the walls? The biggest suck part, though, is the fact that the stairway to get upstairs (where all three bedrooms are) is too narrow for us to get the box springs up. So, since we moved, we've been sleeping on the mattress on the floor. Holy fucking hell painful! But, the fact that there's no central air, and the occasional bug tends to get in through the basement (we had to kill three stink bugs in the last few days alone), are literally the only complaints we have about this place, it rocks that much. The box springs we can fix by buying a used one with a wood frame and cutting it in half downstairs and putting it back together upstairs. The air problem can be fixed with window units, which we plan on buying in March or April. The bugs we can almost completely get rid of by spraying stuff in the basement. You get them everywhere, no matter how nice the place is, so whatever. And dammit, we have a working washer and dryer that his parents gave us (that only took $120 in parts to repair), so FUCK YEAH! We are officially on our way to successfully adulting. Go us.
But yeah, I think it's high time my ass started using this thing again (as I said, usual crap). Though this time, it's hopefully gonna be for reals. Cuz I think writing blog posts used to make me feel happy. Let's see if I can get that back. Also, if it helps by being even the slightest bit cathartic, I'm game. Cuz dear gods, my everything is fucking up and going crazy lately.
I'm angry so damn often. Especially when driving. Fuck damn near everybody on the road. If a person is going ten miles over the damn speed limit, everybody else should not still be zooming past her. Fuuuu....... And I'm even getting pissed about how all those ex-friends used to treat me. I mean gods, I'm too afraid to go back to Guild at this point because Rich might go out of his way to harass me again (and I do NOT need another nervous breakdown like his last harassment fun time caused me), or that Brad'll yell at me for rightfully blocking him on Facebook. Hell, I'm even worried that Logan'll yell at me for my not letting Rich abuse me any more, since he apparently unfriended me on Facebook shortly after the Rich incident...
Oh well, whatever. I'm sure I can find some other way to socialize. I do have a few friends I could hang out with (I think I still do...). I just have to work up the courage to ask them if they want to hang, because at this point, I'm wondering if I never get invites to hang from other people because they're waiting for me to make the first move. >_< But, I will have to start making an effort soon. Not just yet, though, because I don't want to leave the kittens alone for too long right now.
Speaking of, we got two new kittens on Monday. A little medium-haired brown tabby girl that we named Mochi, and a short-haired tuxedo-ish girl we named Unagi. We decided to keep with the Japanese food name theme, because we're weird like that. Pocky and Wasabi still don't know what to think, and they're both still doing the hissing thing, but it's already getting a tiny bit better. Yays!
Not exactly the best of quality photos, but it was kinda dark in the living room, and this is literally the only picture so far that has both of them in it, and they're actually not moving AND looking almost at the camera. So damn cute, aren't they? Mochi is kind of timid still, so I think she's never gonna be an in-your-face cat like Pocky, but I was hoping for a chill kitty, so I'm happy. Unagi is very adventurous and brave, and has to explore everything ever. Once they all get used to each other, I can see her being besties with Pocky. Or absolutely hating her guts. One of those two extremes.
I've been getting addicted to new websites very recently. First, I found Habitica, which is basically a productivity app/website, where to motivate you into doing the stuff you need to be doing, you're given an avatar, and it's treated like an RPG. By checking off the things you've done (like a load of laundry, or you ate a healthy dinner, or finished an essay for class, or whatever), you get experience points which goes towards leveling up and being more badass, and gold which goes towards buying better equipment to be more of a badass. I'm level 4 so far, and it's really been helping me actually want to do chores and such.
Also, I started playing my newest full on fucking addiction, Hogwarts Extreme. It's kinda like how Pottermore used to be, where you get sorted, and can chat and roleplay with other people on the site. No potions or dueling, but Pottermore doesn't have that any more either (all it is now is a blog with all the extra stories she's been writing), so it's all good. I spotted it while going through my Facebook feed, because it was a sponsored post. Normally I would've just kept scrolling, but they said I could take the Hogwarts classes! Holy crap, holy crap, I get to take stuff like Potions and Transfigurations and oh my gods! That's the biggest reason I always wanted to go to Hogwarts (that and the library). It's kinda like reading comprehension for mini-fanfics, but I don't care, it's Hogwarts classes! I'm a Hufflepuff, of course, and I'm so beyond ecstatic about it all. So yeah, kinda completely obsessed.
Also, I've been reading up a storm. I'm at 79 normal books (meaning not manga) for 2015 so far, and I'm hoping to hit 100 by the end of the year. Most likely going to, too. Tried reading The Giver, but dear gods I was bored stiff the entire book. Also, they explained literally nothing. I could see that if it was one of those damn first-book-in-the-series-free-ebooks that claim to be the first "book", when really it's only the first few chapters of a proper book, so they don't explain anything on purpose to get you to drop $3.99 for the next book or whatever, but this thing was written in '93. This thing was supposed to be an entire book. Yeah, I think not. Kinda glad I didn't get stuck reading it in school, because there would've been an argument between me and the teacher over why I refused to finish it. Ugh...
And last but not least, Halloween is only a month away. *SQUEE!* I'm so excited, because I'm already invited to two different parties, and I'm not counting the Guild "party" either. Not sure what my costume'll be, since we're kinda not currently rolling in the dough. I have a few different things I can pull together from just my closet, and a few more with the addition of a few bucks-worth of extras. Depending on how his next check looks, size-wise, I might even head over to one of the countless Halloween pop-up stores to see what all they have, or just swing by Foy's. I'm definitely going to have to hit up downtown Fairborn to see all the decorations, though, because damn does Foy's go all freaking out. And depending on when Trick-Or-Treat is, we might pass out candy, too. I <3 passing out candy. It almost makes up for not being able to collect it any more.
Oh, almost forgot. We signed the lease for the house we're in right now back on July 31st, and moved in on August 6th. It's a half a duplex near-ish downtown (for people that know Dayton, it's on Kilmer, one street over from James H. McGee and less than a mile from 3rd Street). It's a three bedroom one bathroom with a basement and washer dryer hook-ups. It's about three times as big as the apartment was (if you count the basement), and it costs $150 less per month. And it's not an apartment. Because fuck apartment complexes any more. Especially fuck Woodman Park Apartments. Fuck them in the face with a chainsaw on high. Blarg.
Is it bad that we're still not completely unpacked? And that I have yet to hang anything up on the walls? The biggest suck part, though, is the fact that the stairway to get upstairs (where all three bedrooms are) is too narrow for us to get the box springs up. So, since we moved, we've been sleeping on the mattress on the floor. Holy fucking hell painful! But, the fact that there's no central air, and the occasional bug tends to get in through the basement (we had to kill three stink bugs in the last few days alone), are literally the only complaints we have about this place, it rocks that much. The box springs we can fix by buying a used one with a wood frame and cutting it in half downstairs and putting it back together upstairs. The air problem can be fixed with window units, which we plan on buying in March or April. The bugs we can almost completely get rid of by spraying stuff in the basement. You get them everywhere, no matter how nice the place is, so whatever. And dammit, we have a working washer and dryer that his parents gave us (that only took $120 in parts to repair), so FUCK YEAH! We are officially on our way to successfully adulting. Go us.
Friday, June 12, 2015
Dafuq, Brain?
Okay, when I finally got around to going to bed, my brain decided that me getting any sleep whatsoever was so not going to happen. About a half hour after I fell asleep, I woke up convinced that there were cockroaches in my comforter that were starting to come out. Just a reminder that I have exactly one phobia, that gives me full-on panic attacks when activated, and that phobia is cockroaches. Well, after waking up thinking my phobia was coming out of the blanket currently covering me, I had a hard time falling back to sleep. And it happened at least two or three more times in the few hours I was in bed. So yay there... not. I think what happened was that I was dreaming in a doze, and couldn't tell the difference between dream and reality. I used to have that happen to me all the time when I was a kid. But no matter what, fuck that noise. That was the worst not-exactly-night-of-sleep I have had in a damn long time.
So I ended up rescheduling my optometrist's appointment for Monday. Cuz I really didn't think I could focus on the letters to tell the difference between one or two, one or two, one or two, two or three.
I'm thinking sleeping pill tonight. Cuz I would love to get some sleep for once. Gyah.........
So I ended up rescheduling my optometrist's appointment for Monday. Cuz I really didn't think I could focus on the letters to tell the difference between one or two, one or two, one or two, two or three.
I'm thinking sleeping pill tonight. Cuz I would love to get some sleep for once. Gyah.........
Sleep? What's That?
It's past 6am, I have an optometrist's appointment in a little over nine hours, and I haven't been to bed yet. I'm sure, if I could've peeled myself away from the computer back around 2am or so, I could've easily fallen asleep so where I could actually keep my eyes open during the entire appointment. But noooooooo, my stupid procrastination instinct kicked in, and I just had to do... whatever it was that I've been doing these past few hours. I'm so tired, I can't even remember what all I did. But am I going to bed like a normal person? Noooooo, I'm writing a blog post. Gyah!
But yeah, my stomach is killing me, my head is killing me, and I'm a little afraid that if I go into that bedroom, that I won't be able to fall asleep in the first place. Because that's how it's been for me lately. Stupid brain, being too anxious or whatever to get some damn rest already.
Well, maybe I'll just write for a bit. Maybe then I'll get sleepy enough to actually get sleep.
I went to a park with my friend Felix last weekend, and we took a fuck ton of awesome pictures. His were obviously way better than mine, because his camera is a professional grade number, while mine is a cheap digital camera from Walmart that's almost 7 years old, but a lot of mine turned out pretty nice, too. I'm contemplating getting this one printed out, putting it in a frame, and hanging it on the wall.
Not exactly sure why I think it's the prettiest of the bunch, but it was my favorite. I'm thinking a thick, dark wood frame. Something to make all the green stand out more. I haven't put one of my own photos in a frame in years. It'll be nice to have a pretty picture on the wall, and know that I made that pretty picture, you know? I can't draw worth a damn, I still haven't used my watercolor kit from Christmas '13, but dammit, I can take nice photos. That makes me feel a little better about having not finished any of my stories that I've been working on for forever...
I skipped my therapy appointment on Wednesday because of these weird stabbing pains in my stomach (and also because I hadn't slept yet even though it was almost 9am when I called to reschedule). I still haven't made the new appointment, but I'm going to try and call her back today to get a new one. As for my stomach, it hurt like hell for a few hours, then lightened up. I thought it was maybe appendicitis, but when I looked up the symptoms, it said you'd have a high fever, and I didn't have one at all, so I'm guessing it wasn't my appendix bursting. Felt like it for a bit, though. *shrugs*
I think I will attempt that sleep thing now. Though tomorrow, I need to write about the Deadpool-off me and my friend Aaron had earlier. I made a comment about Deadpool in an IM on Facebook, and he responded with a Deadpool pic, so I of course had to respond back likewise. I have a mess load of pics saved on my computer of Deadpool and his wacky antics, and I just looooooove showing them off. It went on for quite a few pictures. Bwahahahaha! But yes, about that sleep...
But yeah, my stomach is killing me, my head is killing me, and I'm a little afraid that if I go into that bedroom, that I won't be able to fall asleep in the first place. Because that's how it's been for me lately. Stupid brain, being too anxious or whatever to get some damn rest already.
Well, maybe I'll just write for a bit. Maybe then I'll get sleepy enough to actually get sleep.
I went to a park with my friend Felix last weekend, and we took a fuck ton of awesome pictures. His were obviously way better than mine, because his camera is a professional grade number, while mine is a cheap digital camera from Walmart that's almost 7 years old, but a lot of mine turned out pretty nice, too. I'm contemplating getting this one printed out, putting it in a frame, and hanging it on the wall.
Not exactly sure why I think it's the prettiest of the bunch, but it was my favorite. I'm thinking a thick, dark wood frame. Something to make all the green stand out more. I haven't put one of my own photos in a frame in years. It'll be nice to have a pretty picture on the wall, and know that I made that pretty picture, you know? I can't draw worth a damn, I still haven't used my watercolor kit from Christmas '13, but dammit, I can take nice photos. That makes me feel a little better about having not finished any of my stories that I've been working on for forever...
I skipped my therapy appointment on Wednesday because of these weird stabbing pains in my stomach (and also because I hadn't slept yet even though it was almost 9am when I called to reschedule). I still haven't made the new appointment, but I'm going to try and call her back today to get a new one. As for my stomach, it hurt like hell for a few hours, then lightened up. I thought it was maybe appendicitis, but when I looked up the symptoms, it said you'd have a high fever, and I didn't have one at all, so I'm guessing it wasn't my appendix bursting. Felt like it for a bit, though. *shrugs*
I think I will attempt that sleep thing now. Though tomorrow, I need to write about the Deadpool-off me and my friend Aaron had earlier. I made a comment about Deadpool in an IM on Facebook, and he responded with a Deadpool pic, so I of course had to respond back likewise. I have a mess load of pics saved on my computer of Deadpool and his wacky antics, and I just looooooove showing them off. It went on for quite a few pictures. Bwahahahaha! But yes, about that sleep...
Thursday, June 11, 2015
I Guess I Do Still Have A Blog, Huh?
March 11th... That was the date of my last post here. Exactly three months ago. Probably oughta start updating this thing again. I'm bad like that, though. Forget about some hobbies while I obsess over others, then shout "Change seats!" like the Mad Hatter, and switch around my obsession/forgotten roster. Not sure why I do that, but it's been like that for me since I was a little kid. Let's see if I can shove blogging into its own more permanent seat and make it stick this time.
I think one of the reasons I avoid this thing is because, when I go a reeeeeally long time between posts, a fuck ton of stuff happens, and I feel obligated to talk about everything ever, so the longer I go without updating, the more crap I hafta write about (according to my stupid brain, at least). So I'm gonna try just putting in smaller updates, spread out a bit (but not three months spread out). Let's see if that works, okay?
Well, the big thing on my mind right now is moving. The lease we have on this apartment ends on the 30th of this month, and there is no way in hell I'm staying here another year (seeing as how it is hell, I'm not sure if that phrasing works or not, but oh well). I think we may have found a place near downtown that we can get and afford, but we can't be 100% until we put in the deposit on the 18th. One week. I can handle one week, right? *screams and tears out hair* Okay, maybe not, but I don't have much of a choice.
It's a duplex in this little almost-dead-end street (we'd be about a half a block away from the actual dead end, with a cross street separating us), and the neighborhood seems kind of quiet. It's near a few big buildings that might be factories, or maybe just warehouses, since there's no smoke belching out or anything. It's a two bedroom, one bathroom number, that's a bit small but it's the best we can afford, so it'll do. And it has washer/dryer hookups, and that was the main thing we were looking for, so woohoo! I just hope we get it. It looks fairly likely, but as I said, we won't be 100% until we pay the deposit. Keep your fingers crossed?
Been reading like mad crazy lately. Joined a challenge group on GoodReads, and it's got me reading regular books a lot more than I was there for a bit (I went through quite a few weeks where the only books I finished were manga). I've also narrowed down the books I have checked out from the library, so I've been able to read some of my own lately. Finally got around to reading One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest and Beastly, for example. Both really freaking great books, but damn was Cuckoo's Nest exhausting to read. Still adored it, though.
I've kinda been lacking energy lately, so the apartment is rather messy. I'm trying so hard to get up and do things, but sometimes I'm so tired that even holding my book up while reading wears me out. I think it's depression mixed with sleep deprivation. No matter how long I stay in bed, I wake up feeling like I got no rest whatsoever. Ugh! I see my new doctor again on Tuesday. She told me last time I was there that I needed to get some blood tests and some x-rays done, but she never gave me any paperwork or instructions, so I guess she'll actually have to schedule them this time. Here's hoping. I would really love to know for certain if this is actually fibromyalgia or not. Mind you, I have pretty much all the symptoms, plus my mom has it so yay genetics, but for all I know I could just have half a dozen other things that just mimic fibromyalgia, so lots and lots and lots of tests in my near future. Yay........ >_<
I was doing an intro to philosophy class over on Coursera, but I stopped doing it for awhile. I think I need to fix that asap. It was so freaking interesting. And I have a huuuuuge list of classes I wanna take after this one, too (I only do the on-demand classes so that I can take my time without getting behind). So many things on my to-do list lately, and I'm doing almost none of them. Yep, definitely need to get me some energy.
That seems like enough for now, right? I'm going to try extra hard to start updating this thing on a regular basis again. I think I kinda miss blogging, now that I think of it.
I think one of the reasons I avoid this thing is because, when I go a reeeeeally long time between posts, a fuck ton of stuff happens, and I feel obligated to talk about everything ever, so the longer I go without updating, the more crap I hafta write about (according to my stupid brain, at least). So I'm gonna try just putting in smaller updates, spread out a bit (but not three months spread out). Let's see if that works, okay?
Well, the big thing on my mind right now is moving. The lease we have on this apartment ends on the 30th of this month, and there is no way in hell I'm staying here another year (seeing as how it is hell, I'm not sure if that phrasing works or not, but oh well). I think we may have found a place near downtown that we can get and afford, but we can't be 100% until we put in the deposit on the 18th. One week. I can handle one week, right? *screams and tears out hair* Okay, maybe not, but I don't have much of a choice.
It's a duplex in this little almost-dead-end street (we'd be about a half a block away from the actual dead end, with a cross street separating us), and the neighborhood seems kind of quiet. It's near a few big buildings that might be factories, or maybe just warehouses, since there's no smoke belching out or anything. It's a two bedroom, one bathroom number, that's a bit small but it's the best we can afford, so it'll do. And it has washer/dryer hookups, and that was the main thing we were looking for, so woohoo! I just hope we get it. It looks fairly likely, but as I said, we won't be 100% until we pay the deposit. Keep your fingers crossed?
Been reading like mad crazy lately. Joined a challenge group on GoodReads, and it's got me reading regular books a lot more than I was there for a bit (I went through quite a few weeks where the only books I finished were manga). I've also narrowed down the books I have checked out from the library, so I've been able to read some of my own lately. Finally got around to reading One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest and Beastly, for example. Both really freaking great books, but damn was Cuckoo's Nest exhausting to read. Still adored it, though.
I've kinda been lacking energy lately, so the apartment is rather messy. I'm trying so hard to get up and do things, but sometimes I'm so tired that even holding my book up while reading wears me out. I think it's depression mixed with sleep deprivation. No matter how long I stay in bed, I wake up feeling like I got no rest whatsoever. Ugh! I see my new doctor again on Tuesday. She told me last time I was there that I needed to get some blood tests and some x-rays done, but she never gave me any paperwork or instructions, so I guess she'll actually have to schedule them this time. Here's hoping. I would really love to know for certain if this is actually fibromyalgia or not. Mind you, I have pretty much all the symptoms, plus my mom has it so yay genetics, but for all I know I could just have half a dozen other things that just mimic fibromyalgia, so lots and lots and lots of tests in my near future. Yay........ >_<
I was doing an intro to philosophy class over on Coursera, but I stopped doing it for awhile. I think I need to fix that asap. It was so freaking interesting. And I have a huuuuuge list of classes I wanna take after this one, too (I only do the on-demand classes so that I can take my time without getting behind). So many things on my to-do list lately, and I'm doing almost none of them. Yep, definitely need to get me some energy.
That seems like enough for now, right? I'm going to try extra hard to start updating this thing on a regular basis again. I think I kinda miss blogging, now that I think of it.
Wednesday, March 11, 2015
I Am A Lazy Fucking Blogger
Seriously, it's been over two months since I updated, and a few more months than that since I made any posts that weren't surveys. Special, ain't I?
But yeah, lotsa shit going down in Amber town. Been dropping former friends left and right, since they were never actually friends to begin with, just manipulative abusive pricks that used me when they could and ignored me when they couldn't. So, yeah, down... *counts* at least five people so far. I used to surround myself with horrible people. Why did I do that? I'm going with ungodly low self-esteem mixed with a people-pleaser personality. But now that I've gotten rid of the majority of the trash, I'm left with almost nothing but actual friends, ones that give a shit and aren't just trying to use me. Yays! That'll be a first. I fully blame Ben. He helped me grow a spine, or at least helped me realize I needed one in the first place. Lovely new experience, I must admit. Pissing off a lot of people, since I no longer let them abuse me, but eh, they're the horrible monsters, no matter how badly they talk about me behind my back (which they do, a lot, sometimes in front of my friends, whom they were also abusing and thus had zero loyalty). Not exactly the brightest ones, you see?
But yeah, speaking of ditching worthless people that need to die a slow and painful death, I finally made an appointment with a (hopefully) competent doctor's office. I go in at 8:45am this Friday, but it'll be totally worth the early hour if it means I get an office full of professional people that not only know how to do their job, but actually do it. Sure as fuck didn't have any of those things at Horizons (oh the horror stories I could tell you, but that'd be an entire post on its own since they were just that god awful, so I'll save it for later). I'm hoping this time the doctor will do any of the required tests or the non-optional patient history that's about 70% of the process before telling me I didn't have fibromyalgia, since the Horizons doctor only sent me in once for x-rays, then never talked about them ever again (which might actually be illegal, but I'm not sure, do they have to tell you the results from tests they prescribed?), but still declared I didn't have it. I can't wait! Competency! At last! Thank the gods!
I've been 110% failing at the diet and exercise thing for the past few months. It's usually because I'm either so tired even though I didn't do anything, or so in pain that even lying on the couch reading a book hurts. I feel like I'm failing my housemates on the Hogwarts Fitness Challenge I'm part of on MyFitnessPal. I actually missed one of the exercise challenges yesterday, and I'm afraid to log on now because I know they're going to be really nice and understanding about it, and that'll only make me feel guiltier. I'm not sure I deserve my spot there. I only exercise when it's part of a challenge, and even then I've skipped two times so far. I'm losing us possible points because I keep stuffing my fat face with food and weighing in with a gain. I just... I don't think I'm good enough for anybody to depend on me. I failed that Diet Bet miserably (I just could not lose those last two pounds, no matter what I did the final two weeks). I think I should just accept that I'm going to be fat and out of shape and miserable for the rest of my life. I keep buying stuff like ice cream and candy bars and fast food, even though I know it'll make me gain weight. I can't motivate myself to do any exercise. I haven't even hooked my Wii up yet, and I've been living here for almost a year now. I'm hopeless.
I just can't make myself do anything lately, diet, exercise, or otherwise. I started a short story for an anthology about a month or so ago. I was so excited, because I was finally going to have something published that was more than 100 words (that's what a drabble is, in those two books I got into). But I got about 2,000 or so words into it, and then never got around to finishing it. I'm sure the submission process is already closed by now, so I'll have to publish it myself if I ever finish it. Not that that'll ever freaking happen, since I DO NOT finish any stories that I start. Two times in my entire life have I ever finished a story. Twice. Out of probably at least a few hundred different attempts. I never finish anything that I start. Ever. I just fail that badly. I don't even finish watching freaking anime series on my computer. Even something that simple. Ugh.
Well, in good news, I finally got my engagement ring! I only took a little over a year, but yay I have it! It's moldavite with amethyst accent gems, and it's so freaking awesome.
But yeah, lotsa shit going down in Amber town. Been dropping former friends left and right, since they were never actually friends to begin with, just manipulative abusive pricks that used me when they could and ignored me when they couldn't. So, yeah, down... *counts* at least five people so far. I used to surround myself with horrible people. Why did I do that? I'm going with ungodly low self-esteem mixed with a people-pleaser personality. But now that I've gotten rid of the majority of the trash, I'm left with almost nothing but actual friends, ones that give a shit and aren't just trying to use me. Yays! That'll be a first. I fully blame Ben. He helped me grow a spine, or at least helped me realize I needed one in the first place. Lovely new experience, I must admit. Pissing off a lot of people, since I no longer let them abuse me, but eh, they're the horrible monsters, no matter how badly they talk about me behind my back (which they do, a lot, sometimes in front of my friends, whom they were also abusing and thus had zero loyalty). Not exactly the brightest ones, you see?
But yeah, speaking of ditching worthless people that need to die a slow and painful death, I finally made an appointment with a (hopefully) competent doctor's office. I go in at 8:45am this Friday, but it'll be totally worth the early hour if it means I get an office full of professional people that not only know how to do their job, but actually do it. Sure as fuck didn't have any of those things at Horizons (oh the horror stories I could tell you, but that'd be an entire post on its own since they were just that god awful, so I'll save it for later). I'm hoping this time the doctor will do any of the required tests or the non-optional patient history that's about 70% of the process before telling me I didn't have fibromyalgia, since the Horizons doctor only sent me in once for x-rays, then never talked about them ever again (which might actually be illegal, but I'm not sure, do they have to tell you the results from tests they prescribed?), but still declared I didn't have it. I can't wait! Competency! At last! Thank the gods!
I've been 110% failing at the diet and exercise thing for the past few months. It's usually because I'm either so tired even though I didn't do anything, or so in pain that even lying on the couch reading a book hurts. I feel like I'm failing my housemates on the Hogwarts Fitness Challenge I'm part of on MyFitnessPal. I actually missed one of the exercise challenges yesterday, and I'm afraid to log on now because I know they're going to be really nice and understanding about it, and that'll only make me feel guiltier. I'm not sure I deserve my spot there. I only exercise when it's part of a challenge, and even then I've skipped two times so far. I'm losing us possible points because I keep stuffing my fat face with food and weighing in with a gain. I just... I don't think I'm good enough for anybody to depend on me. I failed that Diet Bet miserably (I just could not lose those last two pounds, no matter what I did the final two weeks). I think I should just accept that I'm going to be fat and out of shape and miserable for the rest of my life. I keep buying stuff like ice cream and candy bars and fast food, even though I know it'll make me gain weight. I can't motivate myself to do any exercise. I haven't even hooked my Wii up yet, and I've been living here for almost a year now. I'm hopeless.
I just can't make myself do anything lately, diet, exercise, or otherwise. I started a short story for an anthology about a month or so ago. I was so excited, because I was finally going to have something published that was more than 100 words (that's what a drabble is, in those two books I got into). But I got about 2,000 or so words into it, and then never got around to finishing it. I'm sure the submission process is already closed by now, so I'll have to publish it myself if I ever finish it. Not that that'll ever freaking happen, since I DO NOT finish any stories that I start. Two times in my entire life have I ever finished a story. Twice. Out of probably at least a few hundred different attempts. I never finish anything that I start. Ever. I just fail that badly. I don't even finish watching freaking anime series on my computer. Even something that simple. Ugh.
Well, in good news, I finally got my engagement ring! I only took a little over a year, but yay I have it! It's moldavite with amethyst accent gems, and it's so freaking awesome.
But yeah, moldavite came from one specific meteorite that hit the earth 14.8 million years ago. I am currently wearing an outer space rock. How freaking awesome is that? *squee!*
Still no pregnancy yet, though. We started trying again, now that I'm not in as much pain as I was there for awhile, and now that the drug is out of my system that my idiot ex-doctor prescribed me that completely halted ovulation as a very common side effect even though we had told her repeatedly that we were trying to conceive (I wish that was the worst thing she'd done). I'm really hoping, though. I want a bunch of kids (about four or five), but I'm going to be 31 in less than a month and I don't want to be having kids at too late of an age. I really wanna meet that little person, but I haven't made it yet, so I can't. Soon, though. Soooooooooooon.
The house hunting gets to begin next month. We're going to try and find something vaguely near where we are now that's in our price range. It'll be damn hard, cuz we po', but I'm sure we can find something. *crosses fingers* I fucking hate living in an apartment complex so freaking hard. People are total dicks. They open your dryer when it's only been on for a few minutes to check (because hearing the dryer running isn't enough?), then don't bother pushing the button to restart it, so you have to spend another $1.25 to send it through a second load. And that's when the washers and dryers are actually working. Then there's the field of dog shit that we have to walk through to get to our car. You're supposed to clean up after your horse-sized dog, but again, people are fucking dicks. Then there's the fact that people like parking so where they're blocking half the fucking road, just because it's right in front of their apartment. And they do this when there are spots available only a few fucking feet away! Parking in parking spots where you're not inconveniencing everybody is just so passe. Other people don't deserve respect, because you don't want to have to walk for less than a fucking minute. And last but not least, it still creeps me out when I'm trying to sleep and people are talking literally right outside my bedroom window. Don't really appreciate all the cigarette butts on my front porch, either. And the upstairs neighbors accidentally shot a bullet through our ceiling a few months ago. Yeah, apartment complexes can all go fuck themselves. As soon as our lease is up at the end of June, we are out of here. Never. Again.
Starting to make wedding plans. We're thinking maybe June, if we can find a nice park and save up some money (we won't need much). Kinda wish I could have a big wedding, but I'd probably get stuck doing all those boring as hell cliches, so maybe it's better this way? I wanted to get married outside anyway, so a park is perfect. I like the idea of walking down the aisle barefoot. ^_^ And if we do a potluck (and force people to bring stuff that isn't chips and dip or a bucket of Walmart coleslaw, but actual food), we can save a few hundred bucks, at the very least. The food would probably taste better, too. I've yet to have food from a caterer that tasted any better than "eh, it's okay, I guess." My step-dad promised to buy us the cake, but seeing as how we haven't even received our Christmas present money and it's already almost halfway through March, I'm guessing that ain't ever happening (because John, no other explanation necessary). I have a friend who makes cakes with her mom, and she offered her services. Seeing as how she'll be a bridesmaid, I'm hoping for a teeny bit of a discount.
It would seem that, due to only having gotten about three hours of sleep last night, that my brain has officially shut down for service until further notice. Maybe this time I'll actually update more than two or three times a year, so I'll be able to remember the stuffs when I'm writing. Wish me luck.
Also, why the fuck did I get 57 hits to my website yesterday? I received no comments, no spam comments, and I hadn't posted anything since January. Dafuq?
Saturday, January 3, 2015
2014: The Year In Review (Survey Thingie)
2014: The Year in Review
(ganked from Nonna)
1: What did you do in 2014 that you’d never done before?Started trying to get pregnant. Adopted my own kitties (they were always family pets until now). Turned 30.
2: Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I refuse to make those things, because they are inevitably doomed to fail. But, in a non-resolution sort of way, I'd like to start exercising again (I was doing great there for awhile, then... stopped), and I want to start working on my writing again. I also need to start cleaning a lot more.
3: Did anyone close to you give birth?
My friend Britanni did, a cute little girl. I also had a few internet friends give birth, too.
4: Did anyone close to you die?
My step-dad's mom died. We weren't very close, though.
5: What countries did you visit?
Not a god damned one of them. Someday, I'll visit somewhere awesome, but that costs money, so until then, it's Travel Channel for me (as soon as we get cable, at least).
6: What would you like to have in 2015 that you lacked in 2014?
Confidence. A baby. The knowledge of who's actually my friend, and who's just using me.
7: What dates from 2014 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
February 2nd, because that was when Ben proposed. April 19th, because that was when I moved in with Ben. October 1st, because that was when the DietBet started, and I actually started working out and dieting for serious.
8: What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Getting down to 256 pounds (even if that didn't last for long).
9: What was your biggest failure?
Not being able to deal with all the stress from the last few months, and screaming in the car on a fairly regular basis. That, and the full mental breakdown I had a few months back (it was literally my worst one ever, including the time I tried to commit suicide when I was 15).
10: Did you suffer illness or injury?
My back problems started. Still dunno what's wrong, because my doctor doesn't actually do any doctoring (I'm fairly certain that her doctorate is probably in something like philosophy or art history, and not actually medicine).
11: What was the best thing you bought?
Gotta go with my new Samsung Galaxy Tab 4 Nook (even though technically Ben bought it because he broke the screen on my Nook HD by dropping it out of his lap on the blacktop in the Dollar General parking lot when he got out of the car).
12: Whose behavior merited celebration?
Ben, for putting up with all my bullshit. Grant, for always helping us out so much. Felix, for being a wonderful wifey. He even gave me a pretty camera. ^_^
13: Whose behavior made you appalled?
Karyn, Jennifer, Doug, Kieran, Rob, Zach, the fuckfaces that run my doctor's office, a large quantity of the politicians out there, Westboro Baptist Chruch (but then again, they were the only ones not appalled by their behavior).
14: Where did most of your money go?
Before moving in April, it went towards gas to get to and from Dayton every week, and towards stupid shit like clothes and DVDs and fast food and such. After moving, it went towards rent, bills, car maintenance, food, toilet paper, laundry, cat food and litter, and all the other "I don't live with my parents anymore" stuff.
15: What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Being engaged. Moving. Getting kitties.
16: What song will always remind you of 2014?
Sorted This Way by Not Literally.
17: Compared to this time last year, are you: (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner or fatter? (c) richer or poorer?
a) a bit happier
b) about a dozen or so pounds thinner
c) definitely poorer, because I don't have much disposable income now, when this time last year almost all my money was disposable
18: What do you wish you’d done more of?
Exercise. Hung out with my real friends. Write.
19: What do you wish you’d done less of?
Spent time with "friends" that were only using me. Ate junk food. Doubted myself. Procrastinate.
20: How did you spend Christmas?
On the 23rd, we went to my parents' house and ate dinner and exchanged gifts with my parents and my brother. On actual Christmas, we slept in and watched Freakazoid until Ben got a call reminding him he was supposed to work that day (he'd forgotten).
21: Did you fall in love in 2014?
Definitely. I fell hard and fast for both Pocky and Wasabi, as soon as we got them home (though I started falling as soon as we picked them out). I fell deeper with Ben damn near every day.
22: What was your favorite TV program?
So hard to choose. I'm thinking Archer. The runners up were, in no particular order: My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic, Bob's Burgers, Supernatural, Sherlock, Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations, Cutthroat Kitchen, Dancing With The Stars, The Curse Of Oak Island, Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D., Superjail, and Abandoned America.
23: Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Yeah, lots. And they pretty much all deserved it by consistently treating me like shit.
24: What was the best book you read?
John Dies At The End by David Wong, definitely.
25: What was your greatest musical discovery?
Not what the question was trying for, but when I discovered how to save songs from YouTube. For bands/singers, it was Kongos, Rogue Traders, Emilie Autumn, Kana Nishino, Kyary Pamyu Pamyu, Ke$ha, Deadmau5, and OneRepublic.
26: What did you want and get?
A new Nook. To move out of my parents house and to Dayton. Kitties. Another tattoo.
27: What did you want and not get?
A positive pregnancy test result. A competent doctor. To keep the people I thought were friends. To lose more weight than I did. To win the DietBet. Another piercing.
28: What was your favorite film of this year?
Guardians Of The Galaxy.
29: What one thing made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Ben and the kitties.
30: How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2014?
Is it clean? Eh, close enough.
31: What kept you sane?
Ben and the kitties. Books. Friends (the real ones, not the shitty ones that caused the stress in the first place).
32: Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Benedict Cumberbatch. Yuuuuuuuum!
33: What political issue stirred you the most?
Gay marriage, and how people are too fucking stupid to realize that just because your religion can be kinda, slightly, maybe if you look at it in just the right way, and your heart is full enough of hatred and bigotry, against gay rights, that doesn't mean that the United States government, which is NOT CHRISTIAN-EXCLUSIVE, should take away their basic human rights just to please you.
34: Who did you miss?
My mom. I know that she's only an hour and a half drive away, and that I can call her any time I want (and that sometimes, she actually picks up), but I still miss seeing her every day, and just walking out to the front room every time I want to talk to her about something. I also miss Bindi, because now whenever I go to Lakeview, she treats me like a stranger. And I miss Robin Williams and Joan Rivers. They were both so damn funny. And I miss Zach, the Zach that was my friend, not the one that treats people like shit all the time and doesn't feel bad about it, or even notices how miserable he makes everybody.
35: Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2014.
Most people are ass holes. They care more about the dirt in their carpet than they do about you. Especially if they're in a car, because they're entitled to everything ever, no matter how many laws they're breaking to get it. A lot of those people will pretend to be your friend because that makes it easier to use you. They will treat you like shit, because they're not you, and only they matter. All these people are horrible, but it's not your fault. If they almost crash into your car because they ran a stop sign, it's not your fault. If they don't know how the fuck to do their job or just completely refuse to do it in the first place, it's not your fault. If they are a waste of human space that should just fucking die already, it's not your fault. It's ALL THEIRS. So never beat yourself up because somebody else is a human without any humanity in them. It is NEVER your fault when other people are awful. Never.
36: Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
All the people on the street, I hate you all
And the people that I meet, I hate you all
And the people that I know, I hate you all
And the people that I don't, I hate you all
And the people in the east, I hate you all
And the people I hate least, I hate you all
And the people in the west, I hate you all
And the people I like best, I hate you all
Oh, I hate you all
-I Hate Everyone by Get Set Go
I refuse to make those things, because they are inevitably doomed to fail. But, in a non-resolution sort of way, I'd like to start exercising again (I was doing great there for awhile, then... stopped), and I want to start working on my writing again. I also need to start cleaning a lot more.
3: Did anyone close to you give birth?
My friend Britanni did, a cute little girl. I also had a few internet friends give birth, too.
4: Did anyone close to you die?
My step-dad's mom died. We weren't very close, though.
5: What countries did you visit?
Not a god damned one of them. Someday, I'll visit somewhere awesome, but that costs money, so until then, it's Travel Channel for me (as soon as we get cable, at least).
6: What would you like to have in 2015 that you lacked in 2014?
Confidence. A baby. The knowledge of who's actually my friend, and who's just using me.
7: What dates from 2014 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
February 2nd, because that was when Ben proposed. April 19th, because that was when I moved in with Ben. October 1st, because that was when the DietBet started, and I actually started working out and dieting for serious.
8: What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Getting down to 256 pounds (even if that didn't last for long).
9: What was your biggest failure?
Not being able to deal with all the stress from the last few months, and screaming in the car on a fairly regular basis. That, and the full mental breakdown I had a few months back (it was literally my worst one ever, including the time I tried to commit suicide when I was 15).
10: Did you suffer illness or injury?
My back problems started. Still dunno what's wrong, because my doctor doesn't actually do any doctoring (I'm fairly certain that her doctorate is probably in something like philosophy or art history, and not actually medicine).
11: What was the best thing you bought?
Gotta go with my new Samsung Galaxy Tab 4 Nook (even though technically Ben bought it because he broke the screen on my Nook HD by dropping it out of his lap on the blacktop in the Dollar General parking lot when he got out of the car).
12: Whose behavior merited celebration?
Ben, for putting up with all my bullshit. Grant, for always helping us out so much. Felix, for being a wonderful wifey. He even gave me a pretty camera. ^_^
13: Whose behavior made you appalled?
Karyn, Jennifer, Doug, Kieran, Rob, Zach, the fuckfaces that run my doctor's office, a large quantity of the politicians out there, Westboro Baptist Chruch (but then again, they were the only ones not appalled by their behavior).
14: Where did most of your money go?
Before moving in April, it went towards gas to get to and from Dayton every week, and towards stupid shit like clothes and DVDs and fast food and such. After moving, it went towards rent, bills, car maintenance, food, toilet paper, laundry, cat food and litter, and all the other "I don't live with my parents anymore" stuff.
15: What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Being engaged. Moving. Getting kitties.
16: What song will always remind you of 2014?
Sorted This Way by Not Literally.
17: Compared to this time last year, are you: (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner or fatter? (c) richer or poorer?
a) a bit happier
b) about a dozen or so pounds thinner
c) definitely poorer, because I don't have much disposable income now, when this time last year almost all my money was disposable
18: What do you wish you’d done more of?
Exercise. Hung out with my real friends. Write.
19: What do you wish you’d done less of?
Spent time with "friends" that were only using me. Ate junk food. Doubted myself. Procrastinate.
20: How did you spend Christmas?
On the 23rd, we went to my parents' house and ate dinner and exchanged gifts with my parents and my brother. On actual Christmas, we slept in and watched Freakazoid until Ben got a call reminding him he was supposed to work that day (he'd forgotten).
21: Did you fall in love in 2014?
Definitely. I fell hard and fast for both Pocky and Wasabi, as soon as we got them home (though I started falling as soon as we picked them out). I fell deeper with Ben damn near every day.
22: What was your favorite TV program?
So hard to choose. I'm thinking Archer. The runners up were, in no particular order: My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic, Bob's Burgers, Supernatural, Sherlock, Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations, Cutthroat Kitchen, Dancing With The Stars, The Curse Of Oak Island, Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D., Superjail, and Abandoned America.
23: Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Yeah, lots. And they pretty much all deserved it by consistently treating me like shit.
24: What was the best book you read?
John Dies At The End by David Wong, definitely.
25: What was your greatest musical discovery?
Not what the question was trying for, but when I discovered how to save songs from YouTube. For bands/singers, it was Kongos, Rogue Traders, Emilie Autumn, Kana Nishino, Kyary Pamyu Pamyu, Ke$ha, Deadmau5, and OneRepublic.
26: What did you want and get?
A new Nook. To move out of my parents house and to Dayton. Kitties. Another tattoo.
27: What did you want and not get?
A positive pregnancy test result. A competent doctor. To keep the people I thought were friends. To lose more weight than I did. To win the DietBet. Another piercing.
28: What was your favorite film of this year?
Guardians Of The Galaxy.
29: What one thing made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Ben and the kitties.
30: How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2014?
Is it clean? Eh, close enough.
31: What kept you sane?
Ben and the kitties. Books. Friends (the real ones, not the shitty ones that caused the stress in the first place).
32: Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Benedict Cumberbatch. Yuuuuuuuum!
33: What political issue stirred you the most?
Gay marriage, and how people are too fucking stupid to realize that just because your religion can be kinda, slightly, maybe if you look at it in just the right way, and your heart is full enough of hatred and bigotry, against gay rights, that doesn't mean that the United States government, which is NOT CHRISTIAN-EXCLUSIVE, should take away their basic human rights just to please you.
34: Who did you miss?
My mom. I know that she's only an hour and a half drive away, and that I can call her any time I want (and that sometimes, she actually picks up), but I still miss seeing her every day, and just walking out to the front room every time I want to talk to her about something. I also miss Bindi, because now whenever I go to Lakeview, she treats me like a stranger. And I miss Robin Williams and Joan Rivers. They were both so damn funny. And I miss Zach, the Zach that was my friend, not the one that treats people like shit all the time and doesn't feel bad about it, or even notices how miserable he makes everybody.
35: Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2014.
Most people are ass holes. They care more about the dirt in their carpet than they do about you. Especially if they're in a car, because they're entitled to everything ever, no matter how many laws they're breaking to get it. A lot of those people will pretend to be your friend because that makes it easier to use you. They will treat you like shit, because they're not you, and only they matter. All these people are horrible, but it's not your fault. If they almost crash into your car because they ran a stop sign, it's not your fault. If they don't know how the fuck to do their job or just completely refuse to do it in the first place, it's not your fault. If they are a waste of human space that should just fucking die already, it's not your fault. It's ALL THEIRS. So never beat yourself up because somebody else is a human without any humanity in them. It is NEVER your fault when other people are awful. Never.
36: Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
All the people on the street, I hate you all
And the people that I meet, I hate you all
And the people that I know, I hate you all
And the people that I don't, I hate you all
And the people in the east, I hate you all
And the people I hate least, I hate you all
And the people in the west, I hate you all
And the people I like best, I hate you all
Oh, I hate you all
-I Hate Everyone by Get Set Go
Thursday, October 2, 2014
Neglectful, Ain't I?
I haven't posted in here for over a month. Oops... Let's fix that, then.
I have been posting in my weight loss blog, though, so does that count? For those not in the know, I started another Blogspot blog that'll just be for my weight loss 'journey'. I'm going to post in it about exercising and dieting, and all that boring stuff I'm sure you guys don't want to hear about. Oh wait, you do? Then head on over to Less Of VampAmber and enjoy. < /end cheesy advertisement> But yeah, I'm kinda hoping that blogging about it in its own little place will help me keep up with it for once. Especially since I joined DietBet and have to lose 4% of my weight by the end of October 28th... The quick run down on DietBet, for those unaware (like I was until Whitney told me about it a few days ago) is that you 'bet' money that you can lose 4% of your body weight in four weeks, and that money goes into the pot for the 'game' you joined. Everybody who doesn't lose enough weight loses their bet, and everybody who does lose enough gets to split the money in the pot. Pretty sweet deal, right? The bad part is, when I did the official weigh in, I was at 274.2. Unfortunately, after visiting my parents yesterday (my mommy made me hillbilly spaghetti, I couldn't say no), and hitting up McDonald's for breakfast today (large mocha Frappe, a hashbrown, and two sausage McMuffins), I kinda gained a pound and a half... Oops. So now, I have 27 days to lose 12.5 pounds. I was terrified about how hard that would be until I did my first Blogilates workout a few hours ago. Now I'm mega-pumped. This is gonna be fun.
Haven't really been doing too much of anything else lately. It would seem that I've finally hit that point in my life where I've become rather boring, but I enjoy the things that make me boring, so I'm not sure if I want to stop it or not. I've been reading a lot. Right now, I'm working my way through a friend's first draft of a novel she wants to publish. It's really good, but sometimes I miss getting to post my reading updates on GoodReads, so I cheat and read one of the published books that I'm in the middle of, instead. Of which I am in the middle of quite a few. I have this incredibly bad habit of being more in love with starting a new book than I am with sticking by a book until I'm finished. Bad Amber, bad. Can't help it, though, because I finally put all my books and movies on shelves in the front room, instead of packed away in boxes in the spare bedroom. They all look at me with wide, book-spine eyes, saying "Amber, won't you read me? I might be really interesting." Gyah!
The kitties have reached the point where they're terrors during pretty much all their waking hours. I want a dollar for every time me or Ben has had to yell at them or use the spray bottle because they were on the counters or the table, even though I know damn well that they're smart enough to know that they're not allowed up there. I'd be buying all my near-by loved ones a nice, fancy, expensive sushi dinner right about now. Or at least I'd be able to. I'd probably just use the money for boring shit like fixing the car, or paying off bills.
Speaking of the car, not only do I still have that lovely screeching noise from the serpentine belt being loose, but now my brake pads decided to be total cunts and need to be replaced. That noise should not come from anything that is not currently inside a horror movie. Gonna take a few hundred bucks to get them replaced, and that's only if we can get my step-brother to do the work for us for somewhat cheap. And that's not even counting how I need to get the casing around my driver's side back turn signal light replaced because it no longer works all the time. Yeah, you can definitely tell my car is going to be 13 years old next year. >_<
And now, for my biggest complaint for the moment: I have gotten two referrals from my doctor's office so far (one for a therapist, and the other to get me into physical therapy), and I have had to cancel both of the appointments in the middle of setting them up because they didn't take my insurance. So now, I have to find out who they can refer me to and tell them. Because apparently at this doctor's office, you do all the work while the receptionist sits on her fucking ass forgetting to tell anybody that you're there to get your blood drawn, yet she's the one who gets the god damned paycheck. I seriously sat out in the waiting room for over an hour and a half a few weeks ago, because she must've forgot to tell anybody that I was there to get my blood drawn. You wanna know how I know this? Because when one of the nurses saw me waiting, she asked if I had been back yet, and when I told her that I hadn't, she had me back there in a room in about two minutes. FUCKING INCOMPETENT RECEPTIONIST! But yeah, now I'm going to have to take the directory that Molina sent me (all I had to do was call and ask, but that's apparently not in her fuckng job description, the dumb ass) so that they can send me to somebody that I won't have to pay hundreds of dollars to on each visit. Because, you know, if you're poor enough to be on Medicaid, you can obviously afford $100 per session at a therapist's office. Being on Medicaid sucks that way, because the only places that take it are the places that aren't all that great to begin with. But at least I can have medical insurance this way...
Because of my car bullshit, we're not going to be able to go to the Renaissance Faire this year, which is severely depressing. It's been a few years since I've went, and Ben's never went before, so this was gonna be so awesome. But it's too damn expensive so we can't afford it this year. Fuck everything.
That's pretty much it for my updating, but one last thing. I have no idea what costume to wear to the Guild Halloween party this year. The 31st is on a Friday this year, so that's all kinds of awesome for the party, but I don't think I can afford much of anything new. I have devil horns and wings, but I wore that last year. There's my cat eras and tails, but that's kinda boring. Plus, I used to wear that stuff year round, just cuz. There'll be some people wearing their awesome cosplays, and some people are gonna dress in their Ren Faire best, and I'm just gonna be sitting in the corner wearing $5 cat ears. *sighs* Might hafta drag Ben to all the pop-up Halloween stores once the car's fixed, to see if I can throw anything together for massive cheap. After all, Halloween IS my favorite holiday. Without a good costume, it's just not the same. Though I am planning on hitting up more than a few stores on November 1st, so that 50% off discount will help heal the pain somewhat. ^_^
I have been posting in my weight loss blog, though, so does that count? For those not in the know, I started another Blogspot blog that'll just be for my weight loss 'journey'. I'm going to post in it about exercising and dieting, and all that boring stuff I'm sure you guys don't want to hear about. Oh wait, you do? Then head on over to Less Of VampAmber and enjoy. < /end cheesy advertisement> But yeah, I'm kinda hoping that blogging about it in its own little place will help me keep up with it for once. Especially since I joined DietBet and have to lose 4% of my weight by the end of October 28th... The quick run down on DietBet, for those unaware (like I was until Whitney told me about it a few days ago) is that you 'bet' money that you can lose 4% of your body weight in four weeks, and that money goes into the pot for the 'game' you joined. Everybody who doesn't lose enough weight loses their bet, and everybody who does lose enough gets to split the money in the pot. Pretty sweet deal, right? The bad part is, when I did the official weigh in, I was at 274.2. Unfortunately, after visiting my parents yesterday (my mommy made me hillbilly spaghetti, I couldn't say no), and hitting up McDonald's for breakfast today (large mocha Frappe, a hashbrown, and two sausage McMuffins), I kinda gained a pound and a half... Oops. So now, I have 27 days to lose 12.5 pounds. I was terrified about how hard that would be until I did my first Blogilates workout a few hours ago. Now I'm mega-pumped. This is gonna be fun.
Haven't really been doing too much of anything else lately. It would seem that I've finally hit that point in my life where I've become rather boring, but I enjoy the things that make me boring, so I'm not sure if I want to stop it or not. I've been reading a lot. Right now, I'm working my way through a friend's first draft of a novel she wants to publish. It's really good, but sometimes I miss getting to post my reading updates on GoodReads, so I cheat and read one of the published books that I'm in the middle of, instead. Of which I am in the middle of quite a few. I have this incredibly bad habit of being more in love with starting a new book than I am with sticking by a book until I'm finished. Bad Amber, bad. Can't help it, though, because I finally put all my books and movies on shelves in the front room, instead of packed away in boxes in the spare bedroom. They all look at me with wide, book-spine eyes, saying "Amber, won't you read me? I might be really interesting." Gyah!
The kitties have reached the point where they're terrors during pretty much all their waking hours. I want a dollar for every time me or Ben has had to yell at them or use the spray bottle because they were on the counters or the table, even though I know damn well that they're smart enough to know that they're not allowed up there. I'd be buying all my near-by loved ones a nice, fancy, expensive sushi dinner right about now. Or at least I'd be able to. I'd probably just use the money for boring shit like fixing the car, or paying off bills.
Speaking of the car, not only do I still have that lovely screeching noise from the serpentine belt being loose, but now my brake pads decided to be total cunts and need to be replaced. That noise should not come from anything that is not currently inside a horror movie. Gonna take a few hundred bucks to get them replaced, and that's only if we can get my step-brother to do the work for us for somewhat cheap. And that's not even counting how I need to get the casing around my driver's side back turn signal light replaced because it no longer works all the time. Yeah, you can definitely tell my car is going to be 13 years old next year. >_<
And now, for my biggest complaint for the moment: I have gotten two referrals from my doctor's office so far (one for a therapist, and the other to get me into physical therapy), and I have had to cancel both of the appointments in the middle of setting them up because they didn't take my insurance. So now, I have to find out who they can refer me to and tell them. Because apparently at this doctor's office, you do all the work while the receptionist sits on her fucking ass forgetting to tell anybody that you're there to get your blood drawn, yet she's the one who gets the god damned paycheck. I seriously sat out in the waiting room for over an hour and a half a few weeks ago, because she must've forgot to tell anybody that I was there to get my blood drawn. You wanna know how I know this? Because when one of the nurses saw me waiting, she asked if I had been back yet, and when I told her that I hadn't, she had me back there in a room in about two minutes. FUCKING INCOMPETENT RECEPTIONIST! But yeah, now I'm going to have to take the directory that Molina sent me (all I had to do was call and ask, but that's apparently not in her fuckng job description, the dumb ass) so that they can send me to somebody that I won't have to pay hundreds of dollars to on each visit. Because, you know, if you're poor enough to be on Medicaid, you can obviously afford $100 per session at a therapist's office. Being on Medicaid sucks that way, because the only places that take it are the places that aren't all that great to begin with. But at least I can have medical insurance this way...
Because of my car bullshit, we're not going to be able to go to the Renaissance Faire this year, which is severely depressing. It's been a few years since I've went, and Ben's never went before, so this was gonna be so awesome. But it's too damn expensive so we can't afford it this year. Fuck everything.
That's pretty much it for my updating, but one last thing. I have no idea what costume to wear to the Guild Halloween party this year. The 31st is on a Friday this year, so that's all kinds of awesome for the party, but I don't think I can afford much of anything new. I have devil horns and wings, but I wore that last year. There's my cat eras and tails, but that's kinda boring. Plus, I used to wear that stuff year round, just cuz. There'll be some people wearing their awesome cosplays, and some people are gonna dress in their Ren Faire best, and I'm just gonna be sitting in the corner wearing $5 cat ears. *sighs* Might hafta drag Ben to all the pop-up Halloween stores once the car's fixed, to see if I can throw anything together for massive cheap. After all, Halloween IS my favorite holiday. Without a good costume, it's just not the same. Though I am planning on hitting up more than a few stores on November 1st, so that 50% off discount will help heal the pain somewhat. ^_^
Saturday, August 16, 2014
I Really Should Be Sleeping
I made a list earlier. I'm going to be editing it a lot over the next few weeks, but I think it'll work out pretty good. On it, I put all the different things I could do each day that would actually be productive (instead of stupid crap like play Facebook games that only piss me off). I put them in different categories, and next to each category heading, I put how many of them I want to cross off/do each day. I made this list in Paint, so I can just make a new copy each day, and literally cross things off when I do them. Makes it more satisfying, you know? Anyway, so far I have a chores section, an exercise section, and a creative section. The chores and exercise sections explain themselves, but in the creative section (which I'm going to go for at least one each day) has stuff in it like writing articles to sell (I've sold two already, and the extra money would be nice) or working on my novel or reading or drawing or working on one of my crafting hobbies. Stuff like that, basically. Maybe if I require it of myself, I'll actually do it for once. Because I'd really love to publish my novel someday, but after nine years I only have 33 pages of it. >_<
In good news, it looks like I won't have to worry about bumping into Doug at Guild and dealing with all kinds of more drama now. He is no longer in Zach's game, so unless he joins a different group (which I doubt, because if he wanted to be at Guild to game, he wouldn't have went awol from it for as long as he did, which if I remember correctly was over a decade). Also, I found out there was a different Pagan meet-up thingie, so I might be able to go to this one and not get completely frozen out by Doug's influence. It'd be nice to finally find a damn teacher. Another good thing about the new Pagan group thingie is that Zach said that my friends Tim and Sheena were there. It's been over a year since I've seen them (I couldn't afford to go to UDCon back in February, and that was the only time each year I saw them), so it'd be great to be able to hang out again. They're the ones that I'd feel the most odd calling up to see if they wanted to hang. After Jim dumped me, they seemed really distant to me. I dunno. It'd be so nice to see them again, though. I can see how their wedding plans are coming along, and hopefully they'll remember to invite me (if I'm remembering correctly, I was the reason they met, and I think I even introduced them). But yeah, yay there.
I was supposed to come home after dropping Ben off at work and go right to bed, but by the time I got back, I realized that I'd only get about two or three hours of sleep by the time I had to wake up and go get him (he works 9:30am til 3:00pm, and they usually cut him a few hours early cuz they suck like that). Hell, for all I know, I could be getting a call from him in the next hour or so, saying he got cut and needs me to pick him up. No point in trying to sleep now. That, and Rich overstayed his welcome by about five or six hours Thursday night/Friday morning, so we ended up not getting to bed until about 11:00am. Completely screwed up our sleep schedules. I have no clue if staying up til Ben gets home and taking a nap will fix anything, but I doubt going to bed right after I got back from dropping Ben off would've helped any, either. Definitely need to boot Rich around 4am, at the latest, next Thursday, because this him leaving after 9am crap needs to stop now. We're too nice to tell him to fuck off, and he doesn't have enough empathy to realize he's inconveniencing us so much. It's like when he kept making sushi here. It tasted great, true, but when he left we had to clean up the entire huge mess by ourselves. Ugh.
Me and Ben went on a four-mile walk Wednesday night. We walked over to the closest branch of the public library to us and dropped off a book and a DVD in the night drop box. Four miles, and I actually survived. Well, mostly survived. Even now, I'm fairly sore. I think that means that I need to exercise a LOT more. But the walk was really nice. We got to talk, something we don't do as much as we used to, and I missed it. About half of the walk or so was on a wooded bike path, too, so it was pretty. As pretty as it could be at 10:00pm, at least. We definitely have to do the next walk during the daytime, so I can see all the trees and flowers and the river and whatnot, instead of a lot of dark-ish blobs. I'm even thinking of taking my camera, see if I can get decent pictures with it when it's scenery instead of hyperactive kittens.
Been going through my stuff a lot lately, finding stuff to sell to make up for our lack of monies. We've gotten a bit from Half Price Books from my DVDs and books and CDs and such, but we need to sell more. We're going to put his drum kit up for sale on Craig's List, see if we can get anything out of that. I'm also going to try and sell all my anime stuff that I don't want any more. Could I interest anybody reading this who lives near me in buying a Kon plushie from Bleach, or an Inuyasha plushie, or a Roy Mustang plushie from Fullmetal Alchemist, or a Vash plushie from Trigun? Yeah, I thought not. >_<
I've been writing a lot of flash fiction lately, in this flash fiction writing prompts Facebook group I belong to. I wonder if I should post any of it here? I have no idea if I have much of anybody reading this at this point. I know of a couple people, but that about it. Probably oughta add it just cuz, though. I think I shall. Just not right now, because I'll hafta email them to myself (they're saved on this Wordpad-esque app thingie on my Nook right now) and I am quite lazy.
Speaking of Facebook groups, I joined a book club group a few days ago, and the first book to read is William Faulkner's As I Lay Dying, which I've been meaning to read for awhile anyway. I'm going to try and borrow my friend Izzy's copy, but if I can't get it in the next week or so, I'll be forced to use the library. I'm still very wary of the Dayton Metro Library system, after that $74 in late fines still being there after 5 years and them never having any way for you to pay off said fines except with cold, hard cash. Yeah, if I have any more late books, do they break my knee caps? *sighs* But yeah, looking forward to reading the book and talking about it afterwards. I don't remember ever having been part of a book club before, so this should be fun. I just wish I could've found a place online to download the ebook for free from. >_<
Well fuck, it would seem that I need to buy new computer speakers soon. Mine are messing up like mad crazy right now, and Ben has complained about them messing up before, too. Obviously can't get them until Ben starts getting checks from the new job (which he still hasn't been confirmed as being hired for yet). Bugger...
In good news, it looks like I won't have to worry about bumping into Doug at Guild and dealing with all kinds of more drama now. He is no longer in Zach's game, so unless he joins a different group (which I doubt, because if he wanted to be at Guild to game, he wouldn't have went awol from it for as long as he did, which if I remember correctly was over a decade). Also, I found out there was a different Pagan meet-up thingie, so I might be able to go to this one and not get completely frozen out by Doug's influence. It'd be nice to finally find a damn teacher. Another good thing about the new Pagan group thingie is that Zach said that my friends Tim and Sheena were there. It's been over a year since I've seen them (I couldn't afford to go to UDCon back in February, and that was the only time each year I saw them), so it'd be great to be able to hang out again. They're the ones that I'd feel the most odd calling up to see if they wanted to hang. After Jim dumped me, they seemed really distant to me. I dunno. It'd be so nice to see them again, though. I can see how their wedding plans are coming along, and hopefully they'll remember to invite me (if I'm remembering correctly, I was the reason they met, and I think I even introduced them). But yeah, yay there.
I was supposed to come home after dropping Ben off at work and go right to bed, but by the time I got back, I realized that I'd only get about two or three hours of sleep by the time I had to wake up and go get him (he works 9:30am til 3:00pm, and they usually cut him a few hours early cuz they suck like that). Hell, for all I know, I could be getting a call from him in the next hour or so, saying he got cut and needs me to pick him up. No point in trying to sleep now. That, and Rich overstayed his welcome by about five or six hours Thursday night/Friday morning, so we ended up not getting to bed until about 11:00am. Completely screwed up our sleep schedules. I have no clue if staying up til Ben gets home and taking a nap will fix anything, but I doubt going to bed right after I got back from dropping Ben off would've helped any, either. Definitely need to boot Rich around 4am, at the latest, next Thursday, because this him leaving after 9am crap needs to stop now. We're too nice to tell him to fuck off, and he doesn't have enough empathy to realize he's inconveniencing us so much. It's like when he kept making sushi here. It tasted great, true, but when he left we had to clean up the entire huge mess by ourselves. Ugh.
Me and Ben went on a four-mile walk Wednesday night. We walked over to the closest branch of the public library to us and dropped off a book and a DVD in the night drop box. Four miles, and I actually survived. Well, mostly survived. Even now, I'm fairly sore. I think that means that I need to exercise a LOT more. But the walk was really nice. We got to talk, something we don't do as much as we used to, and I missed it. About half of the walk or so was on a wooded bike path, too, so it was pretty. As pretty as it could be at 10:00pm, at least. We definitely have to do the next walk during the daytime, so I can see all the trees and flowers and the river and whatnot, instead of a lot of dark-ish blobs. I'm even thinking of taking my camera, see if I can get decent pictures with it when it's scenery instead of hyperactive kittens.
Been going through my stuff a lot lately, finding stuff to sell to make up for our lack of monies. We've gotten a bit from Half Price Books from my DVDs and books and CDs and such, but we need to sell more. We're going to put his drum kit up for sale on Craig's List, see if we can get anything out of that. I'm also going to try and sell all my anime stuff that I don't want any more. Could I interest anybody reading this who lives near me in buying a Kon plushie from Bleach, or an Inuyasha plushie, or a Roy Mustang plushie from Fullmetal Alchemist, or a Vash plushie from Trigun? Yeah, I thought not. >_<
I've been writing a lot of flash fiction lately, in this flash fiction writing prompts Facebook group I belong to. I wonder if I should post any of it here? I have no idea if I have much of anybody reading this at this point. I know of a couple people, but that about it. Probably oughta add it just cuz, though. I think I shall. Just not right now, because I'll hafta email them to myself (they're saved on this Wordpad-esque app thingie on my Nook right now) and I am quite lazy.
Speaking of Facebook groups, I joined a book club group a few days ago, and the first book to read is William Faulkner's As I Lay Dying, which I've been meaning to read for awhile anyway. I'm going to try and borrow my friend Izzy's copy, but if I can't get it in the next week or so, I'll be forced to use the library. I'm still very wary of the Dayton Metro Library system, after that $74 in late fines still being there after 5 years and them never having any way for you to pay off said fines except with cold, hard cash. Yeah, if I have any more late books, do they break my knee caps? *sighs* But yeah, looking forward to reading the book and talking about it afterwards. I don't remember ever having been part of a book club before, so this should be fun. I just wish I could've found a place online to download the ebook for free from. >_<
Well fuck, it would seem that I need to buy new computer speakers soon. Mine are messing up like mad crazy right now, and Ben has complained about them messing up before, too. Obviously can't get them until Ben starts getting checks from the new job (which he still hasn't been confirmed as being hired for yet). Bugger...
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
Mouth Oww
My mouth exists in a constant state of pain. Now my tooth is throbbing to the point of giving me a headache, and I can't chew anything whatsoever on the left side of my mouth. I'd be completely screwed if it wasn't for the fact that the pain of chewing on the right side of my mouth isn't as bad as it was before (it still hurts, but unless I go to a liquid diet, which I can' afford and don't want to do in the first place, I'm stuck with the pain for the next month and a half). My mouth has been in a constant state of pain for over a year now. Oh gods, I hope they can do something about it when I go in for my cleaning at the end of September. It'd be nice to finally be able to eat painlessly again. Though it's been so long, I don't think I can remember what it's like.
I read an article on Cracked.com last night that really gave me that kick in the ass that I've so desperately needed lately. 5 Ways You're Sabotaging Your Own Life Without Knowing It was written by one of my newest favorite authors (the guy who wrote John Dies At The End and its sequel). It talks about the stuff people do that pretty much ruins any chance of them doing what they want. Oh, I'm crap at describing things like that, so just go and read it. Anyway, I am so beyond guilty of every single one of those things. That's why I'm still fat and out of shape. That's why all my stories are unfinished. That's why my apartment is a mess. That's why I have so many books that I want to read but I haven't even finished the ones I've been working on for months yet. And all the other crap that I've been bitching about lately, too. So now, I'm going to start doing things. For starters, last night I deleted High School Story from my Nook, as well as that crappy coin dozer game I downloaded a week or so ago because I love those things in the arcade. Those were wasting way too much time, when I knew that it was a waste of time, and I wasn't even enjoying it all that much. >_< I'm going to delete Ghost Tales off my Facebook soon, because it takes up way too much time, and I'm once again to a point where I can't do much of anything unless I pay them real money, or I get a lot of my friends playing it, too. Yeah, fuck that noise. So now, I'm going to start working towards my goals. I want to finish my books soon. Not sure what to do with them afterwards, maybe self-publish the short story via Smashwords, and send the novel around to try and get it made into a book, but whatever I end up doing, they'll be done finally. I started them both back in 2005. Yeah, that long ago.
I'm going to start working out again, too. I've already had one offer on Facebook for a motivation buddy (she lives in Pennsylvania, otherwise it'd be a workout buddy), and one offer for a walking buddy. And if I can get Scott to finally let me know when he's in town and when he isn't, I've been trying to get him to let me go on his walks with him. Gotta start small, work my way up. Bit of walking, some beginner's yoga, a few minutes here and there of my exercise DVDs. Nothing too big yet, since I get winded walking from the parking lot to our room in Oelman on Friday nights for Guild (for those of you who don't know Wright State campus, that's only about a block's worth of walking). And as soon as we can afford it, I'm going to start buying and making food with fresh fruits and vegetables (might be able to help Ben get past his veggie phobia, too). I want to lose weight. Not just want, but want (those who read that article will get that). I'm sick and tired of having to buy bra extenders just because Walmart doesn't go up to my size, band-wise. I'm sick of wearing the ugly clothing because it's the only cheap stuff that fits (even places like Walmart and Meijer have cute as hell stuff in their skinny bitch section). I also really want to be in shape. This whole not being able to walk a few blocks without feeling like crap afterwards thing SUCKS.
I'm also going to try writing in here more. I like writing in my blog, and don't really understand why I go so long between posts. I can understand going a week or so, because nothing much interesting happens to me, so I don't usually have much to write about. But past that? Aww hell no. I'mma write, and annoy people by never shutting up! Bwahaha! You were warned. ^_^
There's a time waster I just found the other day that I don't mind wasting time with. I found a website called Khan Academy, that has all these class type things you can do to learn stuff, just like in those real schools that I'll never be able to afford to go back to. Tons of math stuff, plus other much-more-interesting stuff like physics, philosophy, health and medicine, and so much more. I plan on learnin' me some stuff. It's got a lot of stuff I missed out on by not completing ninth grade, like chemistry and calculus, so that'll be interesting to learn. Also, I never got around to taking any philosophy or art history classes when I was at Wright State, so that'll be even more fun. Whee! And to aid in my interest, they appealed to the gamer in me. You can earn badges for doing things, like answering a lot of questions really quickly and all correctly, or by watching videos for a certain amount of time. They also have mastery test thingies, which I have yet to do, but they sound really fun. I'm being a bit of a completionist whore, and I'm trying to get mastery on every single math thing. It'll be hard once I get past algebra, but this site is also made for elementary school students, as well as every other age, so getting mastery on the stuff like "Counting By 100s" is a wee bit too easy. But, completionism...
So yeah, simply put, I'mma start doing stuff. As soon as I make a cup of coffee and actually get some damn energy. Mmm, caffeine.
I read an article on Cracked.com last night that really gave me that kick in the ass that I've so desperately needed lately. 5 Ways You're Sabotaging Your Own Life Without Knowing It was written by one of my newest favorite authors (the guy who wrote John Dies At The End and its sequel). It talks about the stuff people do that pretty much ruins any chance of them doing what they want. Oh, I'm crap at describing things like that, so just go and read it. Anyway, I am so beyond guilty of every single one of those things. That's why I'm still fat and out of shape. That's why all my stories are unfinished. That's why my apartment is a mess. That's why I have so many books that I want to read but I haven't even finished the ones I've been working on for months yet. And all the other crap that I've been bitching about lately, too. So now, I'm going to start doing things. For starters, last night I deleted High School Story from my Nook, as well as that crappy coin dozer game I downloaded a week or so ago because I love those things in the arcade. Those were wasting way too much time, when I knew that it was a waste of time, and I wasn't even enjoying it all that much. >_< I'm going to delete Ghost Tales off my Facebook soon, because it takes up way too much time, and I'm once again to a point where I can't do much of anything unless I pay them real money, or I get a lot of my friends playing it, too. Yeah, fuck that noise. So now, I'm going to start working towards my goals. I want to finish my books soon. Not sure what to do with them afterwards, maybe self-publish the short story via Smashwords, and send the novel around to try and get it made into a book, but whatever I end up doing, they'll be done finally. I started them both back in 2005. Yeah, that long ago.
I'm going to start working out again, too. I've already had one offer on Facebook for a motivation buddy (she lives in Pennsylvania, otherwise it'd be a workout buddy), and one offer for a walking buddy. And if I can get Scott to finally let me know when he's in town and when he isn't, I've been trying to get him to let me go on his walks with him. Gotta start small, work my way up. Bit of walking, some beginner's yoga, a few minutes here and there of my exercise DVDs. Nothing too big yet, since I get winded walking from the parking lot to our room in Oelman on Friday nights for Guild (for those of you who don't know Wright State campus, that's only about a block's worth of walking). And as soon as we can afford it, I'm going to start buying and making food with fresh fruits and vegetables (might be able to help Ben get past his veggie phobia, too). I want to lose weight. Not just want, but want (those who read that article will get that). I'm sick and tired of having to buy bra extenders just because Walmart doesn't go up to my size, band-wise. I'm sick of wearing the ugly clothing because it's the only cheap stuff that fits (even places like Walmart and Meijer have cute as hell stuff in their skinny bitch section). I also really want to be in shape. This whole not being able to walk a few blocks without feeling like crap afterwards thing SUCKS.
I'm also going to try writing in here more. I like writing in my blog, and don't really understand why I go so long between posts. I can understand going a week or so, because nothing much interesting happens to me, so I don't usually have much to write about. But past that? Aww hell no. I'mma write, and annoy people by never shutting up! Bwahaha! You were warned. ^_^
There's a time waster I just found the other day that I don't mind wasting time with. I found a website called Khan Academy, that has all these class type things you can do to learn stuff, just like in those real schools that I'll never be able to afford to go back to. Tons of math stuff, plus other much-more-interesting stuff like physics, philosophy, health and medicine, and so much more. I plan on learnin' me some stuff. It's got a lot of stuff I missed out on by not completing ninth grade, like chemistry and calculus, so that'll be interesting to learn. Also, I never got around to taking any philosophy or art history classes when I was at Wright State, so that'll be even more fun. Whee! And to aid in my interest, they appealed to the gamer in me. You can earn badges for doing things, like answering a lot of questions really quickly and all correctly, or by watching videos for a certain amount of time. They also have mastery test thingies, which I have yet to do, but they sound really fun. I'm being a bit of a completionist whore, and I'm trying to get mastery on every single math thing. It'll be hard once I get past algebra, but this site is also made for elementary school students, as well as every other age, so getting mastery on the stuff like "Counting By 100s" is a wee bit too easy. But, completionism...
So yeah, simply put, I'mma start doing stuff. As soon as I make a cup of coffee and actually get some damn energy. Mmm, caffeine.
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