I dunno why, but I have been so freakin' itchy lately. I think it's the winter dry skin thing. Must start using lotion. I have a bajillion bottles, so I might as well use them for something. Gyah!
This whole moving thing should be interesting. Between the two of us, in furnature, we have two beds, three bedside tables, two computer desks, a curio cabinet turned entertainment center, and a recliner. You may have noticed, if you are of the observant sort, that nowhere was there mentioned in that list a couch or a set of table and chairs. So vasically, once I move in with Ben, unless we move in with Jeff, we are going to have to scramble our asses around, trying to buy those two things quick and cheap. Always fun. We can do it, it's just gonna cost a few hundred bucks. Guess it'll be a wee bit longer til I get my engagement ring, then. Sad face.
Back to the itchy. Gyah! Itchy! Itchitchitchitch!
Need to start writing and packing. Those are the two things I'mma start focusing on once I go home tomorrow. With maybe a bit of reading added in. I pledged to read 75 books this year on GoodReads. Only have 13 so far. I needs to read. And I need to figure out how to get the new post screen to use spellcheck when I'm on my Nook, too. Damned typos.
For those curious, Ben is doing a bit better, health-wise. He's not as dead, and he's not as phlegmy. Yays!
Oh, and being broke/saving all my money sucks. On St. Patrick's day, B.D.'s has all-you-can-eat stirfry for only $10.99! Of course I don't have the money to get it. *weeps* Oh, but B.D.'s Mongolian Barbeque is so mega mega tasty. I love the fact that I can pile that bowl as high as I want, and they can't charge me extra. Nom. *drools* And now I want stirfry. Seeing Ben's plate there is kinda funny, though. He's not exactly a vagatable eater, so he's got this huge plate full of meat and noodles, and that's about it. It looks fairly funky, and not good funky. But I guess it tastes amazing to him, cuz he loves it. Waaaaaaaaaaaant stirfry!
GloryCon is coming up next month, though I'm not sure I'll be able to go. GloryCon, by the way, is the gaming convention put on by the Wright State Adventurer's Guild, that club I belong to that I spend $30 in gas so I can go to each week. Yeah, that club. Yeah, it's a damn fun con, but I don't think I can afford to be here then. Not fair!!!!!!! Though it's only a maybe, cuz I will be getting my birthday monies next month. On the 4th. The big 3-0. Not looking forward to that number.
Friday, March 14, 2014
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
Saving Money Sucks And Is Hard To Do
It looks like I'm going to be moving at the end of April no matter what. That's when Ben's roommate is moving. Though my friend Jeff, who I was going to move in with to a three bedroom townhouse a month ago, sounds like he still wants to get an apartment. This time, though, he wants to try a two bedroom. We didn't get the three bedroom because it was just too expensive. A two bedroom would be cheaper, especially with three people paying rent and utilities. That'd be nice. Me and Ben would have privacy during the week, and we'd have a friend to talk to and hang with on the weekends.
For those not on my Facebook friends list, Jeff is an over the road truck driver. The place he works at right now gets him home every weekend, but he has to stay in his truck during the week driving. So he'd be getting home Friday or early Saturday each week, and leaving Sunday or so. So basically, we'd only have a roommate some of the time. Good for privacy, if you know what I mean. *wink wink*
Having Ben and John here at the same time is weird. Though John seems to be acting nicer towards me in front of Ben, so I guess that's kinda win. Win-ish. Sort of. But yeah, the murder mystery thing yesterday was so much fun! I had zero idea who did it (I guessed on a theory that was very Fight Club-esque), but I knew that was going to happen. I have read every single one of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's Sherlock Holmes stories, and never once even came close to solving the mystery before Sherlock told Waston how it all happened. I did get out some good jokes, though, so I'm quite pleased.
I'm trying to write in this more, so that I write more period. I need to seriously start working on those articles again. If I stick with psychology articles, maybe I can sell a few more. And I'm a bit of an expert on psychology, from the patient's point of view at least. Seems to be a decent enough market, because a lot of people in that chair aren't knowledgable enough, or very good at writing articles. Yay being among the minority! Means monies for me, hopefully. I want to write one of insomnia, and one on Borderline.
Ben goes home tomorrow, but at least I go with him. Unfortunately, on Saturday, I go back home but he stays at his place. The end of April can't come soon enough. And for anybody in the Dayton, Ohio area, we either need a one or two bedroom on the bus line, with a washer/dryer hook-up and that allows pets. Suggestions are more than welcome. Oh, and it's gotta be in a safe neighborhood. The place I lived with Jim in, my car got broken into. Then there was that time that a car caught on fire in the parking lot. Oh, and the murder that happened one night. Safe neighborhood, please?
For those not on my Facebook friends list, Jeff is an over the road truck driver. The place he works at right now gets him home every weekend, but he has to stay in his truck during the week driving. So he'd be getting home Friday or early Saturday each week, and leaving Sunday or so. So basically, we'd only have a roommate some of the time. Good for privacy, if you know what I mean. *wink wink*
Having Ben and John here at the same time is weird. Though John seems to be acting nicer towards me in front of Ben, so I guess that's kinda win. Win-ish. Sort of. But yeah, the murder mystery thing yesterday was so much fun! I had zero idea who did it (I guessed on a theory that was very Fight Club-esque), but I knew that was going to happen. I have read every single one of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's Sherlock Holmes stories, and never once even came close to solving the mystery before Sherlock told Waston how it all happened. I did get out some good jokes, though, so I'm quite pleased.
I'm trying to write in this more, so that I write more period. I need to seriously start working on those articles again. If I stick with psychology articles, maybe I can sell a few more. And I'm a bit of an expert on psychology, from the patient's point of view at least. Seems to be a decent enough market, because a lot of people in that chair aren't knowledgable enough, or very good at writing articles. Yay being among the minority! Means monies for me, hopefully. I want to write one of insomnia, and one on Borderline.
Ben goes home tomorrow, but at least I go with him. Unfortunately, on Saturday, I go back home but he stays at his place. The end of April can't come soon enough. And for anybody in the Dayton, Ohio area, we either need a one or two bedroom on the bus line, with a washer/dryer hook-up and that allows pets. Suggestions are more than welcome. Oh, and it's gotta be in a safe neighborhood. The place I lived with Jim in, my car got broken into. Then there was that time that a car caught on fire in the parking lot. Oh, and the murder that happened one night. Safe neighborhood, please?
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
Unemployed
I'm terried to get a job, but I'm afraid that I'm going to have to get one soon. I can't stay on SSI my whole life. I'm sure they're just itching to kick me off it. Having panic attacks, severe anxiety issues, paranoia, and suicidal tendencies while at a job just doesn't seem like enough to keep me on. I don't know how I could survive a job. Literally.
I've had nothing but bad experiances at my jobs. I've had horrible and/or incompetent managers (Marti at Arby's once chewed me out in front of an old couple that were customers that they looked like they were about to cry, all because her boyfriend's nephew didn't make the food that was on the screen and lied to me about it), terrible coworkers (they were pretty much all racist stoners at Dairy Queen), I've been stuck doing jobs that were impossible for a new person (being literally the only employee in the entire garden center at Home Depot during busy hours), I've cleaned up some of the foulest smelling poop in existance that almost made me throw up (when I worked as home health care at RMS of Ohio). I've had horrific jobs. Nothing good about them. And of the last four, I had to admit myself to the psych ward from three of them. I can't handle jobs. Not and stay healthy, at least.
But if we want an apartment and marriage and children, we need enough money, and on minimum wage job's worth of money and my little SSI check each month ain't gonna cut it. Babies are expensive, and the older they get, the more expensive they get. I don't want my kids to grow up on Welfare. I'd rather not have kids at all than make them grow up on Welfare.
Even if I could take the stress of a job, I don't know what I could do. I'm not fast enough for food service, i can't stand for very long to do cash register at a store, my typing speed is only 38wpm, so office work is right out, and I mess up words waaaaaaay too much when I talk to do anything related to phone sales or customer service. I do bellieve that I am fucked.
Just what I need with over a week until I see my damn therapist. Bleah...
I've had nothing but bad experiances at my jobs. I've had horrible and/or incompetent managers (Marti at Arby's once chewed me out in front of an old couple that were customers that they looked like they were about to cry, all because her boyfriend's nephew didn't make the food that was on the screen and lied to me about it), terrible coworkers (they were pretty much all racist stoners at Dairy Queen), I've been stuck doing jobs that were impossible for a new person (being literally the only employee in the entire garden center at Home Depot during busy hours), I've cleaned up some of the foulest smelling poop in existance that almost made me throw up (when I worked as home health care at RMS of Ohio). I've had horrific jobs. Nothing good about them. And of the last four, I had to admit myself to the psych ward from three of them. I can't handle jobs. Not and stay healthy, at least.
But if we want an apartment and marriage and children, we need enough money, and on minimum wage job's worth of money and my little SSI check each month ain't gonna cut it. Babies are expensive, and the older they get, the more expensive they get. I don't want my kids to grow up on Welfare. I'd rather not have kids at all than make them grow up on Welfare.
Even if I could take the stress of a job, I don't know what I could do. I'm not fast enough for food service, i can't stand for very long to do cash register at a store, my typing speed is only 38wpm, so office work is right out, and I mess up words waaaaaaay too much when I talk to do anything related to phone sales or customer service. I do bellieve that I am fucked.
Just what I need with over a week until I see my damn therapist. Bleah...
Monday, March 10, 2014
Not His Day
I went and picked up Ben yesterday, because he's staying with me until Thursday. It's always nice to have him here. I just wish it wasn't while John was here. Or that John was here ever. >_< But John being here isn't the problem this time, amazingly enough. It's the fact that Ben has a stomach bug or something, which sucks for us both. I feel kinda inadequate because I don't know how to help him. I've offered Tums, ibuprofen, a bit of everything. Some of it has helped a bit, but he's still feeling bad. Gyah! I want, like, a magic wand or spell or something so that I can heal him. Or at least one that makes me feel more bad because he's sick and less bad because I can't help him. Bleah...
I almost forgot. The reason he's here instead of me being in Dayton is that we're going to Columbus tomorrow for a murder mystery party thingie at The Spaghetti Warehouse. It should be interesting. It'll be me and Ben, my parents, and my brother Toby. It's supposed to be really fun and pretty funny, too. I kinda hope they pick me to be one of the characters (the site says they pick audience members for the really small parts). I kinda wanna act real suspicious, so that people will think I did it. Bwahahaha! Cuz who's to say that I didn't. ^_^ But yeah, tasty food, fun times, great company not including John, it'll be great. Now I just need to get that wand and heal Ben.
I've started to wonder if maybe we could move to a town that isn't as close to Dayton as I would've liked, so that we could get something cheap. I wonder if any of my Dayton friends would visit me if I moved to Springfield? I know it's cheaper than most of the Dayton suburbs, and as long as we steer clear of the bad area of town (like Weldon Park), we should be okay. I'd get to see my half sister Barbie and my niece Kaelyn more often, and maybe I could reconnect with my childhood friends Rose and Joanna. I dunno. I just really want to be close to the biggest majority of my friends possible, and that would be Dayton. I think maybe we need to get off our butts and start looking up apartments for rent. I'm sure we can find something cheap in an area that's safe if we try hard enough.
I need to get off my butt for something else, too: writing. Now that I've sold that one article, I want to write loads more, but I haven't really been doing much of anything, let alone anything productive, in the past week or so. Saturday, I slept almost all day. I slept til late afternoon, woke up to eat, took a nap, woke up to eat again, took another nap, then woke up to take my meds, eat a little, and then back to bed for the night. Seriously, it was that bad. One of the only remotely productive things I've been doing is reading, but I haven't even been doing much of that lately. Bad Amber, no biscuit. I haven't even touched my novel in months, to make matters worse. Why must you curse me, muses? Did I piss you off or something? Let me write!!!!!!
Heh heh heh. I feel a bit sick myself, to tell you the truth. Mostly just sleepy and a little sniffly, though, so it's not too bad. The acid indigestion is what's killing me the worst. I've been out of Nexium for a week or so, which is baaaaaad. The fact that one a day isn't enough is woooooorse. Stupid stomach. I'm pretty sure it's stress ulcers, mostly from John. UGH! I want a new body, or a refund on this one. Can my next one be skinny and work right? Please?
I almost forgot. The reason he's here instead of me being in Dayton is that we're going to Columbus tomorrow for a murder mystery party thingie at The Spaghetti Warehouse. It should be interesting. It'll be me and Ben, my parents, and my brother Toby. It's supposed to be really fun and pretty funny, too. I kinda hope they pick me to be one of the characters (the site says they pick audience members for the really small parts). I kinda wanna act real suspicious, so that people will think I did it. Bwahahaha! Cuz who's to say that I didn't. ^_^ But yeah, tasty food, fun times, great company not including John, it'll be great. Now I just need to get that wand and heal Ben.
I've started to wonder if maybe we could move to a town that isn't as close to Dayton as I would've liked, so that we could get something cheap. I wonder if any of my Dayton friends would visit me if I moved to Springfield? I know it's cheaper than most of the Dayton suburbs, and as long as we steer clear of the bad area of town (like Weldon Park), we should be okay. I'd get to see my half sister Barbie and my niece Kaelyn more often, and maybe I could reconnect with my childhood friends Rose and Joanna. I dunno. I just really want to be close to the biggest majority of my friends possible, and that would be Dayton. I think maybe we need to get off our butts and start looking up apartments for rent. I'm sure we can find something cheap in an area that's safe if we try hard enough.
I need to get off my butt for something else, too: writing. Now that I've sold that one article, I want to write loads more, but I haven't really been doing much of anything, let alone anything productive, in the past week or so. Saturday, I slept almost all day. I slept til late afternoon, woke up to eat, took a nap, woke up to eat again, took another nap, then woke up to take my meds, eat a little, and then back to bed for the night. Seriously, it was that bad. One of the only remotely productive things I've been doing is reading, but I haven't even been doing much of that lately. Bad Amber, no biscuit. I haven't even touched my novel in months, to make matters worse. Why must you curse me, muses? Did I piss you off or something? Let me write!!!!!!
Heh heh heh. I feel a bit sick myself, to tell you the truth. Mostly just sleepy and a little sniffly, though, so it's not too bad. The acid indigestion is what's killing me the worst. I've been out of Nexium for a week or so, which is baaaaaad. The fact that one a day isn't enough is woooooorse. Stupid stomach. I'm pretty sure it's stress ulcers, mostly from John. UGH! I want a new body, or a refund on this one. Can my next one be skinny and work right? Please?
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Busy Little Bee
I think I'm just about content with my blog layout now. Which means in about five days, I'll hate every last inch of it and want to tear it down and start from scratch, but then two days after that, I'll regret having done it because I liked the way it was now. Let's hope that doesn't happen, because it sounds exhausting. But yeah, sticking with this version for awhile. It's nice and simple. Cool. And I do have a weird thing for pink lately. *shrugs*
This, by the way, is a call out for a blog roll. Any of my friends reading this who don't see their links over thataway *points to the right* that wants to be in it should tell me somehow. I want a nice big blog roll. I'd also really like to be on other people's blog rolls, too. *hinthint*
But mostly, yeah, I'm content. Still stressed as shit, but now I have Catharsis Land to play in. Wheeeeeee! Expect a lot of posts. And maybe some candy. Just gotta find some that'll fit through a UBB port. I shove and I shove, but it never wants to go in. *sad face*
GIVE ME LINKS!!!! OM NOM NOM!!!!!!!!!
Shutting up now.............. *hides*
This, by the way, is a call out for a blog roll. Any of my friends reading this who don't see their links over thataway *points to the right* that wants to be in it should tell me somehow. I want a nice big blog roll. I'd also really like to be on other people's blog rolls, too. *hinthint*
But mostly, yeah, I'm content. Still stressed as shit, but now I have Catharsis Land to play in. Wheeeeeee! Expect a lot of posts. And maybe some candy. Just gotta find some that'll fit through a UBB port. I shove and I shove, but it never wants to go in. *sad face*
GIVE ME LINKS!!!! OM NOM NOM!!!!!!!!!
Shutting up now.............. *hides*
Clean Room? *gasp*
Yup, I cleaned my room. Not just picked up some of the mess like I usually do, but actually cleaned it. I had this corner where I piled up all the new stuff that I bought and all the stuff that I didn't feel like putting away at the time. It was enormous. Took up a decent sized chunk of my bedroom floor space. Well, I put everything on my bed, and then put it away properly. I feel so damn proud. Heh heh heh...
But yeah, big time issues that I'm dealing with lately. I'm not sure if we can afford an apartment on just what I bring in each month, and his paychecks. I'm almost certain we won't be able to afford to have children. They've cut funding like mad crazy to all those programs that help people take care of their kids, so we can't count on any of that. I doubt we'd even be able to get a hold of government housing, because we make too much. Can't afford an apartment, but still way too fucking rich for welfare housing. At least, that's what I assume. When Jim kicked me out, I tried to get housing while I waited to get on Social Security, and was told since I had no kids and I wasn't homeless, that the waitlist was at the very least four years long, most likely more. Then there's the fact that government housing in Dayton sounds like it'd be in a very rough neighborhood. I don't want my car broken into again. And that was just on Wilmington Ave. Just imagine actual downtown. Eep.
So yeah, now I'm afraid I might have to get a job so that we can afford things like food and electric. I'm so afraid of having those panic attacks again. My wrist does not need any more scars. It looks bad enough as. I get stares. It sucks. But yeah, too much stress makes me all panic attack prone. I've been having mini ones lately, just from all the moving stress. I even freaked out because some random stranger was yelling at me about a game that has no importance whatsoever. I'm that fucked lately. >_< I need to see my therapist and my psychiatrist quick. I see the therapist on the 18th, thank the gods, and the psychiatrist on the 24th. Ahh, pretty new anti-anxiety meds. Soooooo niiiiice. Hopefully these work. I keep finding a good mix of meds, they work well for awhile, then I get worse and they run away screaming. Ugh. I got put on a drug for ADHD last time I was there. It helped a little with my concentration, but I couldn't get more than two or three hours of sleep (if I was lucky) every night that I took it. So, that went bye bye. But at least it made my concentration issues better. So that helps. Gods, I hope I can get something to help with this crippling anxiety.
I sold one of m articles that I wrote a few months back. I went though Constant Content and they sold it for $35. After the 35% cut that the site took out, I got $22.75. So, I have $22.75 in my PayPal account... *explodes with happy* OH MY GODS I SOLD MY WRITING!!!!!!!!!!! I can't believe anything that I wrote was good enough to pay $35 for. As the saying goes, I am my own harshest critic. I need to get my ass in gear and start writing again. Maybe I can luck out and get another article sold. *crosses fingers*
I think there needs to be a lot of talking done come Monday. I'm picking Ben up so that we can go to this murder mystery thing with my family on Tuesday in Columbus, and he's staying until we both go back on Thursday. I think me and him will be talking about the future a LOT. Gotta get this stuff figured out soon. Hopefully, that'll help some of my stress. It can't hurt, at least.
I just... I dunno anymore. I hope things start picking up. I hate feeling so down when I have such an amazingly awesome fiancee. *sighs*
But yeah, big time issues that I'm dealing with lately. I'm not sure if we can afford an apartment on just what I bring in each month, and his paychecks. I'm almost certain we won't be able to afford to have children. They've cut funding like mad crazy to all those programs that help people take care of their kids, so we can't count on any of that. I doubt we'd even be able to get a hold of government housing, because we make too much. Can't afford an apartment, but still way too fucking rich for welfare housing. At least, that's what I assume. When Jim kicked me out, I tried to get housing while I waited to get on Social Security, and was told since I had no kids and I wasn't homeless, that the waitlist was at the very least four years long, most likely more. Then there's the fact that government housing in Dayton sounds like it'd be in a very rough neighborhood. I don't want my car broken into again. And that was just on Wilmington Ave. Just imagine actual downtown. Eep.
So yeah, now I'm afraid I might have to get a job so that we can afford things like food and electric. I'm so afraid of having those panic attacks again. My wrist does not need any more scars. It looks bad enough as. I get stares. It sucks. But yeah, too much stress makes me all panic attack prone. I've been having mini ones lately, just from all the moving stress. I even freaked out because some random stranger was yelling at me about a game that has no importance whatsoever. I'm that fucked lately. >_< I need to see my therapist and my psychiatrist quick. I see the therapist on the 18th, thank the gods, and the psychiatrist on the 24th. Ahh, pretty new anti-anxiety meds. Soooooo niiiiice. Hopefully these work. I keep finding a good mix of meds, they work well for awhile, then I get worse and they run away screaming. Ugh. I got put on a drug for ADHD last time I was there. It helped a little with my concentration, but I couldn't get more than two or three hours of sleep (if I was lucky) every night that I took it. So, that went bye bye. But at least it made my concentration issues better. So that helps. Gods, I hope I can get something to help with this crippling anxiety.
I sold one of m articles that I wrote a few months back. I went though Constant Content and they sold it for $35. After the 35% cut that the site took out, I got $22.75. So, I have $22.75 in my PayPal account... *explodes with happy* OH MY GODS I SOLD MY WRITING!!!!!!!!!!! I can't believe anything that I wrote was good enough to pay $35 for. As the saying goes, I am my own harshest critic. I need to get my ass in gear and start writing again. Maybe I can luck out and get another article sold. *crosses fingers*
I think there needs to be a lot of talking done come Monday. I'm picking Ben up so that we can go to this murder mystery thing with my family on Tuesday in Columbus, and he's staying until we both go back on Thursday. I think me and him will be talking about the future a LOT. Gotta get this stuff figured out soon. Hopefully, that'll help some of my stress. It can't hurt, at least.
I just... I dunno anymore. I hope things start picking up. I hate feeling so down when I have such an amazingly awesome fiancee. *sighs*
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
Really Thin Skin
I take everything way too personally. Especially when I'm already depressed. My skin becomes so thin it's almost invisible when I don't feel good. And right now it's to the point where I stressed myself out to the point of physically unhealthy just because some random douche bag in the global chat on this game I play called Clash of Clans was yelling at me for not wanting douche bag players in my clan. Yeah, I need to see my therapist extra hard now.
Everything just seems to be be getting to me more than usual. I'm terrified that I won't be able to afford to move in with Ben in July. And that's not even bringing the cost of kids into it after we're married. I just want a nice life, where I can afford luxuries like food and toilet paper and toothpaste, you know? I dunno. I can't get a job because of my metric fuckload of mental illnesses (cuz we all know that panic attacks and hospitalizations are fun). Because of that Obamacare bullshit, no job will give Ben more than twenty five or so hours in a week. He doesn't want to go back to school yet, but I think that might be the only way we can afford more than -2 children. Money problems suck, basically.
Sometimes I just want to cry and scream and have a temper tantrum until everything gets fixed for me. If only life were that easy. I just have to keep soldiering on and whatnot. Maybe I need to start looking into stress reduction techniques online. Try out some meditation or yoga or something. I dunno. I do know, though, that I do NOT want to feel like this any more. So defeated, so scared, so hopeless. I know things are going to turn out okay, but until then I get to live through hell on earth. Save me, somebody?
Everything just seems to be be getting to me more than usual. I'm terrified that I won't be able to afford to move in with Ben in July. And that's not even bringing the cost of kids into it after we're married. I just want a nice life, where I can afford luxuries like food and toilet paper and toothpaste, you know? I dunno. I can't get a job because of my metric fuckload of mental illnesses (cuz we all know that panic attacks and hospitalizations are fun). Because of that Obamacare bullshit, no job will give Ben more than twenty five or so hours in a week. He doesn't want to go back to school yet, but I think that might be the only way we can afford more than -2 children. Money problems suck, basically.
Sometimes I just want to cry and scream and have a temper tantrum until everything gets fixed for me. If only life were that easy. I just have to keep soldiering on and whatnot. Maybe I need to start looking into stress reduction techniques online. Try out some meditation or yoga or something. I dunno. I do know, though, that I do NOT want to feel like this any more. So defeated, so scared, so hopeless. I know things are going to turn out okay, but until then I get to live through hell on earth. Save me, somebody?
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