I'm up and awake. I'm drinking caffeine to stay up. I slept last night. I plan on eating soon. And I'm not depressed (at the moment). I've been trying to be a bit of a normal human lately, and some days it actually works. Yays! I haven't exactly been able to sleep as of late. Insomnia times a million, basically. Not fun. Thus, sleeping pills have been purchased and are being taken at night. I live near friends and fun stuff and have better internet and live with the bestest fiancee ever. I need to be awake to enjoy all this. So yeah, yays!
So much to update on (cuz I'm lazy as fuck and never update this thing). Lots of stressful shit happened. Ugh. But at least i feel better now. And we have kittens! Baby cutie kitty babies! I'll hafta post pictures as soon as I get some good ones (they're not much for posing yet).
Biggest stressor: the Jeff bullshit I just went through. To sum it up, he was a controlling bitch. The first, and most glaring sign that he was way bad news should've been when he tried to talk me and Ben out of getting married, just because he had two failed marriages. Or he had a thing for me, which is what everybody else seems to think. I dunno. Anyway, when we got engaged, I invited him to be part of the wedding party, and he said we weren't allowed to move in with him if we got married. Made it out to be that we were doing the stupidest thing possible because our marriage was going to fail, etc. He said he'd feel "uncomfortable" if we lived with him and we were married. Utter bullshit, basically. But since we needed the place to live, I caved immediately so as not to piss him off. John's training dollars at work, ladies and gentlemen. So, if it was just that, he'd be a bitch, I'd deal with it, we'd move on. Then started the phone calls.
He was a truck driver, as I may have said earlier. I can't remember. Anyway, not much to do while you're driving. So he'd call his family and friends to talk. I understand that completely. Driving sucks. So, he'd call about two or three times a day, wanting to talk. Mostly about boring shit that made my ears bleed, but I wanted to be a good friend, so I listened. That was a few months ago. The number kept going up, though. Four calls, five, six a day. By the end of the friendship, it was AT LEAST 7 a day. I told him, repeatedly, to not call in the morning or in the early afternoon because I'd be asleep. At least three calls every day woke me up. I didn't answer them, obviously, but they kept coming! It didn't matter how many times I told him to not call when I was asleep, he KEPT CALLING. 9am, 11am, 12:15pm. Fuck! And when I did answer, he insisted on talking about himself for two godsdamned hours. Bitch bitch bitch,. complain complain complain. Or worse, I'd get his entire fucking schedule recited to me like I gave a shit. Gods. So yeah, after awhile of this 7 times a day bullshit, I stopped answering when I didn't feel like talking to him, which was more and more often as this insult to me continued. Well, I didn't answer or send back any messages for about two days, and he sent me this manipulative as fuck message about how since he couldn't "trust me to answer my phones", he couldn't "trust me to be a good roommate". I shit you not. Two fucking days. Gods.
Well, he he sent that text around 1am. At 6am, he called, and Ben was so pissed at this point that he answered the phone. Ben was completely polite, and told him that I was asleep, and we didn't appreciate the seven+ calls a day. Jeff, who was already pissy when Ben answered the phone and raring for a fight (bitch) said that we needed to have a talk about the apartment, in a VERY pissy tone, and Ben told him what we should have said after we "weren't allowed to get married": If you're going to be like this about everything, we don't want to live with you after all. So yeah, we're not moving in with him ever, or even talking to him.
He sent me an email the other day, saying that he called so much cuz I mentioned that I wasn't sleeping well and having trouble with my meds. You know what Jeff? Fuck away off and die. If you're going to be an uber-cunt, don't try and fix everything with pathetic lies. You wanted to use me like a doormat, and didn't appreciate me growing a spine. Die in a fire. I just hope he doesn't start stalking me at Guild or something. I could totally see him doing that. Thank the gods we can get him banned from our room for bothering us. Haven't heard from him in awhile, though, so hopefully he did fuck off. I don't need ass holes like that in my life. If I wanted somebody to use me and treat me like shit to make themselves feel better, I'd just go back to living with John. At least that way, I got free food.
So yeah, all kinds of stress there. At least it's over. I hope. Sorry for bitching like that. I just had to get it all out. I still haven't got my damn Medicaid transferred over, so I can't see a therapist yet. Ugh.
Another extra-stressful thing that I went through was a nice week-long suicidal fest. I got massive depressed because I was going off of one of my meds (the anti-psychotic that I went through the horrible withdrawal systems from a few years back when I lost my insurance). I had a whole bunch of panic attacks, and had to talk myself out of cutting quite a few times. Lots of crying, lots of suck. Thank the gods that Ben was great through the whole thing. I feel better now, too, so that's extra great. I hate being depressed.
Now, about my new adorable babies. We got them almost two weeks ago (has it really been that long?). My friend Candice said that one of her neighbors had a Free Kittens sign up in their yard, so we went by and picked out two females. We got two so they could keep each other company and play with each other (which they do, a lot). The grey one is named Wasabi, and she doesn't really like being held too much. She's very vocal, and loveloveloves any toys that make a noise. Her sists is black with white toes, and we named her Pocky. She was the run of the litter, and she's still so freaking tiny. She's very needy and clingy, and loves sleeping on laps and shoulders and under the covers with me in bed. They're both absolute purr bugs, and they're so silly. They seem to trade out the alpha and beta positions on a regular basis. One will be in control and win all the fights, then a few hours later, the positions will be reversed. It's so damn cute. They sleep a whole bunch, of course, and they love sleeping together, curled up into a cuddle puddle. Right now, Pocky is asleep behind my back in the desk chair. Dawwwwwwww. I need to start taking pictures of them. They only stay this small for a short time (though who can tell with Pocky).
Get to go to Yellow Springs with Scott today. Woohoo! Yellow Springs fucking rocks! It's this almost-hippie-commune type thing. A very artsy town, you know? They have a whole bunch of great art stores, and lots of stuff like used book stores and pagan stores and all kinds of other tasty. Tons of coffee shops, too. I'mma hit up the pagan store and drool. Maybe spend a little bit of the $25 me and Ben saved up on some cool stuff. Definitely going to get a few more buttons for my purse at the comic book store. I'm obsessed with covering the entire front of my purse with buttons. I'm about half way there. Might hafta hit up Hot Topic at one point, too, see if they still sell buttons. ^_^
Sometimes things don't seem real, but most of the time it doesn't matter. I dunno. I just... I don't think I can ever know who I really am, what really is. So I just hafta deal with it and move on. It's hard, a lot. Really hard. I don't think I can deal with it. Not really. But I guess I'll just see where this unreality leads me. I need to get back into magick. That always helped. If the world isn't real, at least I can can learn how to throw fireballs.
