I think I'm just about content with my blog layout now. Which means in about five days, I'll hate every last inch of it and want to tear it down and start from scratch, but then two days after that, I'll regret having done it because I liked the way it was now. Let's hope that doesn't happen, because it sounds exhausting. But yeah, sticking with this version for awhile. It's nice and simple. Cool. And I do have a weird thing for pink lately. *shrugs*
This, by the way, is a call out for a blog roll. Any of my friends reading this who don't see their links over thataway *points to the right* that wants to be in it should tell me somehow. I want a nice big blog roll. I'd also really like to be on other people's blog rolls, too. *hinthint*
But mostly, yeah, I'm content. Still stressed as shit, but now I have Catharsis Land to play in. Wheeeeeee! Expect a lot of posts. And maybe some candy. Just gotta find some that'll fit through a UBB port. I shove and I shove, but it never wants to go in. *sad face*
GIVE ME LINKS!!!! OM NOM NOM!!!!!!!!!
Shutting up now.............. *hides*
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Clean Room? *gasp*
Yup, I cleaned my room. Not just picked up some of the mess like I usually do, but actually cleaned it. I had this corner where I piled up all the new stuff that I bought and all the stuff that I didn't feel like putting away at the time. It was enormous. Took up a decent sized chunk of my bedroom floor space. Well, I put everything on my bed, and then put it away properly. I feel so damn proud. Heh heh heh...
But yeah, big time issues that I'm dealing with lately. I'm not sure if we can afford an apartment on just what I bring in each month, and his paychecks. I'm almost certain we won't be able to afford to have children. They've cut funding like mad crazy to all those programs that help people take care of their kids, so we can't count on any of that. I doubt we'd even be able to get a hold of government housing, because we make too much. Can't afford an apartment, but still way too fucking rich for welfare housing. At least, that's what I assume. When Jim kicked me out, I tried to get housing while I waited to get on Social Security, and was told since I had no kids and I wasn't homeless, that the waitlist was at the very least four years long, most likely more. Then there's the fact that government housing in Dayton sounds like it'd be in a very rough neighborhood. I don't want my car broken into again. And that was just on Wilmington Ave. Just imagine actual downtown. Eep.
So yeah, now I'm afraid I might have to get a job so that we can afford things like food and electric. I'm so afraid of having those panic attacks again. My wrist does not need any more scars. It looks bad enough as. I get stares. It sucks. But yeah, too much stress makes me all panic attack prone. I've been having mini ones lately, just from all the moving stress. I even freaked out because some random stranger was yelling at me about a game that has no importance whatsoever. I'm that fucked lately. >_< I need to see my therapist and my psychiatrist quick. I see the therapist on the 18th, thank the gods, and the psychiatrist on the 24th. Ahh, pretty new anti-anxiety meds. Soooooo niiiiice. Hopefully these work. I keep finding a good mix of meds, they work well for awhile, then I get worse and they run away screaming. Ugh. I got put on a drug for ADHD last time I was there. It helped a little with my concentration, but I couldn't get more than two or three hours of sleep (if I was lucky) every night that I took it. So, that went bye bye. But at least it made my concentration issues better. So that helps. Gods, I hope I can get something to help with this crippling anxiety.
I sold one of m articles that I wrote a few months back. I went though Constant Content and they sold it for $35. After the 35% cut that the site took out, I got $22.75. So, I have $22.75 in my PayPal account... *explodes with happy* OH MY GODS I SOLD MY WRITING!!!!!!!!!!! I can't believe anything that I wrote was good enough to pay $35 for. As the saying goes, I am my own harshest critic. I need to get my ass in gear and start writing again. Maybe I can luck out and get another article sold. *crosses fingers*
I think there needs to be a lot of talking done come Monday. I'm picking Ben up so that we can go to this murder mystery thing with my family on Tuesday in Columbus, and he's staying until we both go back on Thursday. I think me and him will be talking about the future a LOT. Gotta get this stuff figured out soon. Hopefully, that'll help some of my stress. It can't hurt, at least.
I just... I dunno anymore. I hope things start picking up. I hate feeling so down when I have such an amazingly awesome fiancee. *sighs*
But yeah, big time issues that I'm dealing with lately. I'm not sure if we can afford an apartment on just what I bring in each month, and his paychecks. I'm almost certain we won't be able to afford to have children. They've cut funding like mad crazy to all those programs that help people take care of their kids, so we can't count on any of that. I doubt we'd even be able to get a hold of government housing, because we make too much. Can't afford an apartment, but still way too fucking rich for welfare housing. At least, that's what I assume. When Jim kicked me out, I tried to get housing while I waited to get on Social Security, and was told since I had no kids and I wasn't homeless, that the waitlist was at the very least four years long, most likely more. Then there's the fact that government housing in Dayton sounds like it'd be in a very rough neighborhood. I don't want my car broken into again. And that was just on Wilmington Ave. Just imagine actual downtown. Eep.
So yeah, now I'm afraid I might have to get a job so that we can afford things like food and electric. I'm so afraid of having those panic attacks again. My wrist does not need any more scars. It looks bad enough as. I get stares. It sucks. But yeah, too much stress makes me all panic attack prone. I've been having mini ones lately, just from all the moving stress. I even freaked out because some random stranger was yelling at me about a game that has no importance whatsoever. I'm that fucked lately. >_< I need to see my therapist and my psychiatrist quick. I see the therapist on the 18th, thank the gods, and the psychiatrist on the 24th. Ahh, pretty new anti-anxiety meds. Soooooo niiiiice. Hopefully these work. I keep finding a good mix of meds, they work well for awhile, then I get worse and they run away screaming. Ugh. I got put on a drug for ADHD last time I was there. It helped a little with my concentration, but I couldn't get more than two or three hours of sleep (if I was lucky) every night that I took it. So, that went bye bye. But at least it made my concentration issues better. So that helps. Gods, I hope I can get something to help with this crippling anxiety.
I sold one of m articles that I wrote a few months back. I went though Constant Content and they sold it for $35. After the 35% cut that the site took out, I got $22.75. So, I have $22.75 in my PayPal account... *explodes with happy* OH MY GODS I SOLD MY WRITING!!!!!!!!!!! I can't believe anything that I wrote was good enough to pay $35 for. As the saying goes, I am my own harshest critic. I need to get my ass in gear and start writing again. Maybe I can luck out and get another article sold. *crosses fingers*
I think there needs to be a lot of talking done come Monday. I'm picking Ben up so that we can go to this murder mystery thing with my family on Tuesday in Columbus, and he's staying until we both go back on Thursday. I think me and him will be talking about the future a LOT. Gotta get this stuff figured out soon. Hopefully, that'll help some of my stress. It can't hurt, at least.
I just... I dunno anymore. I hope things start picking up. I hate feeling so down when I have such an amazingly awesome fiancee. *sighs*
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
Really Thin Skin
I take everything way too personally. Especially when I'm already depressed. My skin becomes so thin it's almost invisible when I don't feel good. And right now it's to the point where I stressed myself out to the point of physically unhealthy just because some random douche bag in the global chat on this game I play called Clash of Clans was yelling at me for not wanting douche bag players in my clan. Yeah, I need to see my therapist extra hard now.
Everything just seems to be be getting to me more than usual. I'm terrified that I won't be able to afford to move in with Ben in July. And that's not even bringing the cost of kids into it after we're married. I just want a nice life, where I can afford luxuries like food and toilet paper and toothpaste, you know? I dunno. I can't get a job because of my metric fuckload of mental illnesses (cuz we all know that panic attacks and hospitalizations are fun). Because of that Obamacare bullshit, no job will give Ben more than twenty five or so hours in a week. He doesn't want to go back to school yet, but I think that might be the only way we can afford more than -2 children. Money problems suck, basically.
Sometimes I just want to cry and scream and have a temper tantrum until everything gets fixed for me. If only life were that easy. I just have to keep soldiering on and whatnot. Maybe I need to start looking into stress reduction techniques online. Try out some meditation or yoga or something. I dunno. I do know, though, that I do NOT want to feel like this any more. So defeated, so scared, so hopeless. I know things are going to turn out okay, but until then I get to live through hell on earth. Save me, somebody?
Everything just seems to be be getting to me more than usual. I'm terrified that I won't be able to afford to move in with Ben in July. And that's not even bringing the cost of kids into it after we're married. I just want a nice life, where I can afford luxuries like food and toilet paper and toothpaste, you know? I dunno. I can't get a job because of my metric fuckload of mental illnesses (cuz we all know that panic attacks and hospitalizations are fun). Because of that Obamacare bullshit, no job will give Ben more than twenty five or so hours in a week. He doesn't want to go back to school yet, but I think that might be the only way we can afford more than -2 children. Money problems suck, basically.
Sometimes I just want to cry and scream and have a temper tantrum until everything gets fixed for me. If only life were that easy. I just have to keep soldiering on and whatnot. Maybe I need to start looking into stress reduction techniques online. Try out some meditation or yoga or something. I dunno. I do know, though, that I do NOT want to feel like this any more. So defeated, so scared, so hopeless. I know things are going to turn out okay, but until then I get to live through hell on earth. Save me, somebody?
First!
As you may have figured out, I have decided to start blogging again. Not gonna sink any money into it this time, though. Need the catharsis and the writing practice. Fun, no? But yeah, with everything going extra stressy lately, I want to try putting all my thoughts down on not-paper. Everything with the wedding stuff, and the moving stuff, and the not-having-seen-my-therapist-or-psychiatrist-in-months stuff, I'm fried. Extra crispy fried. But yeah, I'm gonna start posting in here again. You were warned. Wheeeeeeeee!
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