I haven't posted in here for over a month. Oops... Let's fix that, then.
I have been posting in my weight loss blog, though, so does that count? For those not in the know, I started another Blogspot blog that'll just be for my weight loss 'journey'. I'm going to post in it about exercising and dieting, and all that boring stuff I'm sure you guys don't want to hear about. Oh wait, you do? Then head on over to Less Of VampAmber and enjoy. < /end cheesy advertisement> But yeah, I'm kinda hoping that blogging about it in its own little place will help me keep up with it for once. Especially since I joined DietBet and have to lose 4% of my weight by the end of October 28th... The quick run down on DietBet, for those unaware (like I was until Whitney told me about it a few days ago) is that you 'bet' money that you can lose 4% of your body weight in four weeks, and that money goes into the pot for the 'game' you joined. Everybody who doesn't lose enough weight loses their bet, and everybody who does lose enough gets to split the money in the pot. Pretty sweet deal, right? The bad part is, when I did the official weigh in, I was at 274.2. Unfortunately, after visiting my parents yesterday (my mommy made me hillbilly spaghetti, I couldn't say no), and hitting up McDonald's for breakfast today (large mocha Frappe, a hashbrown, and two sausage McMuffins), I kinda gained a pound and a half... Oops. So now, I have 27 days to lose 12.5 pounds. I was terrified about how hard that would be until I did my first Blogilates workout a few hours ago. Now I'm mega-pumped. This is gonna be fun.
Haven't really been doing too much of anything else lately. It would seem that I've finally hit that point in my life where I've become rather boring, but I enjoy the things that make me boring, so I'm not sure if I want to stop it or not. I've been reading a lot. Right now, I'm working my way through a friend's first draft of a novel she wants to publish. It's really good, but sometimes I miss getting to post my reading updates on GoodReads, so I cheat and read one of the published books that I'm in the middle of, instead. Of which I am in the middle of quite a few. I have this incredibly bad habit of being more in love with starting a new book than I am with sticking by a book until I'm finished. Bad Amber, bad. Can't help it, though, because I finally put all my books and movies on shelves in the front room, instead of packed away in boxes in the spare bedroom. They all look at me with wide, book-spine eyes, saying "Amber, won't you read me? I might be really interesting." Gyah!
The kitties have reached the point where they're terrors during pretty much all their waking hours. I want a dollar for every time me or Ben has had to yell at them or use the spray bottle because they were on the counters or the table, even though I know damn well that they're smart enough to know that they're not allowed up there. I'd be buying all my near-by loved ones a nice, fancy, expensive sushi dinner right about now. Or at least I'd be able to. I'd probably just use the money for boring shit like fixing the car, or paying off bills.
Speaking of the car, not only do I still have that lovely screeching noise from the serpentine belt being loose, but now my brake pads decided to be total cunts and need to be replaced. That noise should not come from anything that is not currently inside a horror movie. Gonna take a few hundred bucks to get them replaced, and that's only if we can get my step-brother to do the work for us for somewhat cheap. And that's not even counting how I need to get the casing around my driver's side back turn signal light replaced because it no longer works all the time. Yeah, you can definitely tell my car is going to be 13 years old next year. >_<
And now, for my biggest complaint for the moment: I have gotten two referrals from my doctor's office so far (one for a therapist, and the other to get me into physical therapy), and I have had to cancel both of the appointments in the middle of setting them up because they didn't take my insurance. So now, I have to find out who they can refer me to and tell them. Because apparently at this doctor's office, you do all the work while the receptionist sits on her fucking ass forgetting to tell anybody that you're there to get your blood drawn, yet she's the one who gets the god damned paycheck. I seriously sat out in the waiting room for over an hour and a half a few weeks ago, because she must've forgot to tell anybody that I was there to get my blood drawn. You wanna know how I know this? Because when one of the nurses saw me waiting, she asked if I had been back yet, and when I told her that I hadn't, she had me back there in a room in about two minutes. FUCKING INCOMPETENT RECEPTIONIST! But yeah, now I'm going to have to take the directory that Molina sent me (all I had to do was call and ask, but that's apparently not in her fuckng job description, the dumb ass) so that they can send me to somebody that I won't have to pay hundreds of dollars to on each visit. Because, you know, if you're poor enough to be on Medicaid, you can obviously afford $100 per session at a therapist's office. Being on Medicaid sucks that way, because the only places that take it are the places that aren't all that great to begin with. But at least I can have medical insurance this way...
Because of my car bullshit, we're not going to be able to go to the Renaissance Faire this year, which is severely depressing. It's been a few years since I've went, and Ben's never went before, so this was gonna be so awesome. But it's too damn expensive so we can't afford it this year. Fuck everything.
That's pretty much it for my updating, but one last thing. I have no idea what costume to wear to the Guild Halloween party this year. The 31st is on a Friday this year, so that's all kinds of awesome for the party, but I don't think I can afford much of anything new. I have devil horns and wings, but I wore that last year. There's my cat eras and tails, but that's kinda boring. Plus, I used to wear that stuff year round, just cuz. There'll be some people wearing their awesome cosplays, and some people are gonna dress in their Ren Faire best, and I'm just gonna be sitting in the corner wearing $5 cat ears. *sighs* Might hafta drag Ben to all the pop-up Halloween stores once the car's fixed, to see if I can throw anything together for massive cheap. After all, Halloween IS my favorite holiday. Without a good costume, it's just not the same. Though I am planning on hitting up more than a few stores on November 1st, so that 50% off discount will help heal the pain somewhat. ^_^
Thursday, October 2, 2014
Saturday, August 16, 2014
I Really Should Be Sleeping
I made a list earlier. I'm going to be editing it a lot over the next few weeks, but I think it'll work out pretty good. On it, I put all the different things I could do each day that would actually be productive (instead of stupid crap like play Facebook games that only piss me off). I put them in different categories, and next to each category heading, I put how many of them I want to cross off/do each day. I made this list in Paint, so I can just make a new copy each day, and literally cross things off when I do them. Makes it more satisfying, you know? Anyway, so far I have a chores section, an exercise section, and a creative section. The chores and exercise sections explain themselves, but in the creative section (which I'm going to go for at least one each day) has stuff in it like writing articles to sell (I've sold two already, and the extra money would be nice) or working on my novel or reading or drawing or working on one of my crafting hobbies. Stuff like that, basically. Maybe if I require it of myself, I'll actually do it for once. Because I'd really love to publish my novel someday, but after nine years I only have 33 pages of it. >_<
In good news, it looks like I won't have to worry about bumping into Doug at Guild and dealing with all kinds of more drama now. He is no longer in Zach's game, so unless he joins a different group (which I doubt, because if he wanted to be at Guild to game, he wouldn't have went awol from it for as long as he did, which if I remember correctly was over a decade). Also, I found out there was a different Pagan meet-up thingie, so I might be able to go to this one and not get completely frozen out by Doug's influence. It'd be nice to finally find a damn teacher. Another good thing about the new Pagan group thingie is that Zach said that my friends Tim and Sheena were there. It's been over a year since I've seen them (I couldn't afford to go to UDCon back in February, and that was the only time each year I saw them), so it'd be great to be able to hang out again. They're the ones that I'd feel the most odd calling up to see if they wanted to hang. After Jim dumped me, they seemed really distant to me. I dunno. It'd be so nice to see them again, though. I can see how their wedding plans are coming along, and hopefully they'll remember to invite me (if I'm remembering correctly, I was the reason they met, and I think I even introduced them). But yeah, yay there.
I was supposed to come home after dropping Ben off at work and go right to bed, but by the time I got back, I realized that I'd only get about two or three hours of sleep by the time I had to wake up and go get him (he works 9:30am til 3:00pm, and they usually cut him a few hours early cuz they suck like that). Hell, for all I know, I could be getting a call from him in the next hour or so, saying he got cut and needs me to pick him up. No point in trying to sleep now. That, and Rich overstayed his welcome by about five or six hours Thursday night/Friday morning, so we ended up not getting to bed until about 11:00am. Completely screwed up our sleep schedules. I have no clue if staying up til Ben gets home and taking a nap will fix anything, but I doubt going to bed right after I got back from dropping Ben off would've helped any, either. Definitely need to boot Rich around 4am, at the latest, next Thursday, because this him leaving after 9am crap needs to stop now. We're too nice to tell him to fuck off, and he doesn't have enough empathy to realize he's inconveniencing us so much. It's like when he kept making sushi here. It tasted great, true, but when he left we had to clean up the entire huge mess by ourselves. Ugh.
Me and Ben went on a four-mile walk Wednesday night. We walked over to the closest branch of the public library to us and dropped off a book and a DVD in the night drop box. Four miles, and I actually survived. Well, mostly survived. Even now, I'm fairly sore. I think that means that I need to exercise a LOT more. But the walk was really nice. We got to talk, something we don't do as much as we used to, and I missed it. About half of the walk or so was on a wooded bike path, too, so it was pretty. As pretty as it could be at 10:00pm, at least. We definitely have to do the next walk during the daytime, so I can see all the trees and flowers and the river and whatnot, instead of a lot of dark-ish blobs. I'm even thinking of taking my camera, see if I can get decent pictures with it when it's scenery instead of hyperactive kittens.
Been going through my stuff a lot lately, finding stuff to sell to make up for our lack of monies. We've gotten a bit from Half Price Books from my DVDs and books and CDs and such, but we need to sell more. We're going to put his drum kit up for sale on Craig's List, see if we can get anything out of that. I'm also going to try and sell all my anime stuff that I don't want any more. Could I interest anybody reading this who lives near me in buying a Kon plushie from Bleach, or an Inuyasha plushie, or a Roy Mustang plushie from Fullmetal Alchemist, or a Vash plushie from Trigun? Yeah, I thought not. >_<
I've been writing a lot of flash fiction lately, in this flash fiction writing prompts Facebook group I belong to. I wonder if I should post any of it here? I have no idea if I have much of anybody reading this at this point. I know of a couple people, but that about it. Probably oughta add it just cuz, though. I think I shall. Just not right now, because I'll hafta email them to myself (they're saved on this Wordpad-esque app thingie on my Nook right now) and I am quite lazy.
Speaking of Facebook groups, I joined a book club group a few days ago, and the first book to read is William Faulkner's As I Lay Dying, which I've been meaning to read for awhile anyway. I'm going to try and borrow my friend Izzy's copy, but if I can't get it in the next week or so, I'll be forced to use the library. I'm still very wary of the Dayton Metro Library system, after that $74 in late fines still being there after 5 years and them never having any way for you to pay off said fines except with cold, hard cash. Yeah, if I have any more late books, do they break my knee caps? *sighs* But yeah, looking forward to reading the book and talking about it afterwards. I don't remember ever having been part of a book club before, so this should be fun. I just wish I could've found a place online to download the ebook for free from. >_<
Well fuck, it would seem that I need to buy new computer speakers soon. Mine are messing up like mad crazy right now, and Ben has complained about them messing up before, too. Obviously can't get them until Ben starts getting checks from the new job (which he still hasn't been confirmed as being hired for yet). Bugger...
In good news, it looks like I won't have to worry about bumping into Doug at Guild and dealing with all kinds of more drama now. He is no longer in Zach's game, so unless he joins a different group (which I doubt, because if he wanted to be at Guild to game, he wouldn't have went awol from it for as long as he did, which if I remember correctly was over a decade). Also, I found out there was a different Pagan meet-up thingie, so I might be able to go to this one and not get completely frozen out by Doug's influence. It'd be nice to finally find a damn teacher. Another good thing about the new Pagan group thingie is that Zach said that my friends Tim and Sheena were there. It's been over a year since I've seen them (I couldn't afford to go to UDCon back in February, and that was the only time each year I saw them), so it'd be great to be able to hang out again. They're the ones that I'd feel the most odd calling up to see if they wanted to hang. After Jim dumped me, they seemed really distant to me. I dunno. It'd be so nice to see them again, though. I can see how their wedding plans are coming along, and hopefully they'll remember to invite me (if I'm remembering correctly, I was the reason they met, and I think I even introduced them). But yeah, yay there.
I was supposed to come home after dropping Ben off at work and go right to bed, but by the time I got back, I realized that I'd only get about two or three hours of sleep by the time I had to wake up and go get him (he works 9:30am til 3:00pm, and they usually cut him a few hours early cuz they suck like that). Hell, for all I know, I could be getting a call from him in the next hour or so, saying he got cut and needs me to pick him up. No point in trying to sleep now. That, and Rich overstayed his welcome by about five or six hours Thursday night/Friday morning, so we ended up not getting to bed until about 11:00am. Completely screwed up our sleep schedules. I have no clue if staying up til Ben gets home and taking a nap will fix anything, but I doubt going to bed right after I got back from dropping Ben off would've helped any, either. Definitely need to boot Rich around 4am, at the latest, next Thursday, because this him leaving after 9am crap needs to stop now. We're too nice to tell him to fuck off, and he doesn't have enough empathy to realize he's inconveniencing us so much. It's like when he kept making sushi here. It tasted great, true, but when he left we had to clean up the entire huge mess by ourselves. Ugh.
Me and Ben went on a four-mile walk Wednesday night. We walked over to the closest branch of the public library to us and dropped off a book and a DVD in the night drop box. Four miles, and I actually survived. Well, mostly survived. Even now, I'm fairly sore. I think that means that I need to exercise a LOT more. But the walk was really nice. We got to talk, something we don't do as much as we used to, and I missed it. About half of the walk or so was on a wooded bike path, too, so it was pretty. As pretty as it could be at 10:00pm, at least. We definitely have to do the next walk during the daytime, so I can see all the trees and flowers and the river and whatnot, instead of a lot of dark-ish blobs. I'm even thinking of taking my camera, see if I can get decent pictures with it when it's scenery instead of hyperactive kittens.
Been going through my stuff a lot lately, finding stuff to sell to make up for our lack of monies. We've gotten a bit from Half Price Books from my DVDs and books and CDs and such, but we need to sell more. We're going to put his drum kit up for sale on Craig's List, see if we can get anything out of that. I'm also going to try and sell all my anime stuff that I don't want any more. Could I interest anybody reading this who lives near me in buying a Kon plushie from Bleach, or an Inuyasha plushie, or a Roy Mustang plushie from Fullmetal Alchemist, or a Vash plushie from Trigun? Yeah, I thought not. >_<
I've been writing a lot of flash fiction lately, in this flash fiction writing prompts Facebook group I belong to. I wonder if I should post any of it here? I have no idea if I have much of anybody reading this at this point. I know of a couple people, but that about it. Probably oughta add it just cuz, though. I think I shall. Just not right now, because I'll hafta email them to myself (they're saved on this Wordpad-esque app thingie on my Nook right now) and I am quite lazy.
Speaking of Facebook groups, I joined a book club group a few days ago, and the first book to read is William Faulkner's As I Lay Dying, which I've been meaning to read for awhile anyway. I'm going to try and borrow my friend Izzy's copy, but if I can't get it in the next week or so, I'll be forced to use the library. I'm still very wary of the Dayton Metro Library system, after that $74 in late fines still being there after 5 years and them never having any way for you to pay off said fines except with cold, hard cash. Yeah, if I have any more late books, do they break my knee caps? *sighs* But yeah, looking forward to reading the book and talking about it afterwards. I don't remember ever having been part of a book club before, so this should be fun. I just wish I could've found a place online to download the ebook for free from. >_<
Well fuck, it would seem that I need to buy new computer speakers soon. Mine are messing up like mad crazy right now, and Ben has complained about them messing up before, too. Obviously can't get them until Ben starts getting checks from the new job (which he still hasn't been confirmed as being hired for yet). Bugger...
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
Mouth Oww
My mouth exists in a constant state of pain. Now my tooth is throbbing to the point of giving me a headache, and I can't chew anything whatsoever on the left side of my mouth. I'd be completely screwed if it wasn't for the fact that the pain of chewing on the right side of my mouth isn't as bad as it was before (it still hurts, but unless I go to a liquid diet, which I can' afford and don't want to do in the first place, I'm stuck with the pain for the next month and a half). My mouth has been in a constant state of pain for over a year now. Oh gods, I hope they can do something about it when I go in for my cleaning at the end of September. It'd be nice to finally be able to eat painlessly again. Though it's been so long, I don't think I can remember what it's like.
I read an article on Cracked.com last night that really gave me that kick in the ass that I've so desperately needed lately. 5 Ways You're Sabotaging Your Own Life Without Knowing It was written by one of my newest favorite authors (the guy who wrote John Dies At The End and its sequel). It talks about the stuff people do that pretty much ruins any chance of them doing what they want. Oh, I'm crap at describing things like that, so just go and read it. Anyway, I am so beyond guilty of every single one of those things. That's why I'm still fat and out of shape. That's why all my stories are unfinished. That's why my apartment is a mess. That's why I have so many books that I want to read but I haven't even finished the ones I've been working on for months yet. And all the other crap that I've been bitching about lately, too. So now, I'm going to start doing things. For starters, last night I deleted High School Story from my Nook, as well as that crappy coin dozer game I downloaded a week or so ago because I love those things in the arcade. Those were wasting way too much time, when I knew that it was a waste of time, and I wasn't even enjoying it all that much. >_< I'm going to delete Ghost Tales off my Facebook soon, because it takes up way too much time, and I'm once again to a point where I can't do much of anything unless I pay them real money, or I get a lot of my friends playing it, too. Yeah, fuck that noise. So now, I'm going to start working towards my goals. I want to finish my books soon. Not sure what to do with them afterwards, maybe self-publish the short story via Smashwords, and send the novel around to try and get it made into a book, but whatever I end up doing, they'll be done finally. I started them both back in 2005. Yeah, that long ago.
I'm going to start working out again, too. I've already had one offer on Facebook for a motivation buddy (she lives in Pennsylvania, otherwise it'd be a workout buddy), and one offer for a walking buddy. And if I can get Scott to finally let me know when he's in town and when he isn't, I've been trying to get him to let me go on his walks with him. Gotta start small, work my way up. Bit of walking, some beginner's yoga, a few minutes here and there of my exercise DVDs. Nothing too big yet, since I get winded walking from the parking lot to our room in Oelman on Friday nights for Guild (for those of you who don't know Wright State campus, that's only about a block's worth of walking). And as soon as we can afford it, I'm going to start buying and making food with fresh fruits and vegetables (might be able to help Ben get past his veggie phobia, too). I want to lose weight. Not just want, but want (those who read that article will get that). I'm sick and tired of having to buy bra extenders just because Walmart doesn't go up to my size, band-wise. I'm sick of wearing the ugly clothing because it's the only cheap stuff that fits (even places like Walmart and Meijer have cute as hell stuff in their skinny bitch section). I also really want to be in shape. This whole not being able to walk a few blocks without feeling like crap afterwards thing SUCKS.
I'm also going to try writing in here more. I like writing in my blog, and don't really understand why I go so long between posts. I can understand going a week or so, because nothing much interesting happens to me, so I don't usually have much to write about. But past that? Aww hell no. I'mma write, and annoy people by never shutting up! Bwahaha! You were warned. ^_^
There's a time waster I just found the other day that I don't mind wasting time with. I found a website called Khan Academy, that has all these class type things you can do to learn stuff, just like in those real schools that I'll never be able to afford to go back to. Tons of math stuff, plus other much-more-interesting stuff like physics, philosophy, health and medicine, and so much more. I plan on learnin' me some stuff. It's got a lot of stuff I missed out on by not completing ninth grade, like chemistry and calculus, so that'll be interesting to learn. Also, I never got around to taking any philosophy or art history classes when I was at Wright State, so that'll be even more fun. Whee! And to aid in my interest, they appealed to the gamer in me. You can earn badges for doing things, like answering a lot of questions really quickly and all correctly, or by watching videos for a certain amount of time. They also have mastery test thingies, which I have yet to do, but they sound really fun. I'm being a bit of a completionist whore, and I'm trying to get mastery on every single math thing. It'll be hard once I get past algebra, but this site is also made for elementary school students, as well as every other age, so getting mastery on the stuff like "Counting By 100s" is a wee bit too easy. But, completionism...
So yeah, simply put, I'mma start doing stuff. As soon as I make a cup of coffee and actually get some damn energy. Mmm, caffeine.
I read an article on Cracked.com last night that really gave me that kick in the ass that I've so desperately needed lately. 5 Ways You're Sabotaging Your Own Life Without Knowing It was written by one of my newest favorite authors (the guy who wrote John Dies At The End and its sequel). It talks about the stuff people do that pretty much ruins any chance of them doing what they want. Oh, I'm crap at describing things like that, so just go and read it. Anyway, I am so beyond guilty of every single one of those things. That's why I'm still fat and out of shape. That's why all my stories are unfinished. That's why my apartment is a mess. That's why I have so many books that I want to read but I haven't even finished the ones I've been working on for months yet. And all the other crap that I've been bitching about lately, too. So now, I'm going to start doing things. For starters, last night I deleted High School Story from my Nook, as well as that crappy coin dozer game I downloaded a week or so ago because I love those things in the arcade. Those were wasting way too much time, when I knew that it was a waste of time, and I wasn't even enjoying it all that much. >_< I'm going to delete Ghost Tales off my Facebook soon, because it takes up way too much time, and I'm once again to a point where I can't do much of anything unless I pay them real money, or I get a lot of my friends playing it, too. Yeah, fuck that noise. So now, I'm going to start working towards my goals. I want to finish my books soon. Not sure what to do with them afterwards, maybe self-publish the short story via Smashwords, and send the novel around to try and get it made into a book, but whatever I end up doing, they'll be done finally. I started them both back in 2005. Yeah, that long ago.
I'm going to start working out again, too. I've already had one offer on Facebook for a motivation buddy (she lives in Pennsylvania, otherwise it'd be a workout buddy), and one offer for a walking buddy. And if I can get Scott to finally let me know when he's in town and when he isn't, I've been trying to get him to let me go on his walks with him. Gotta start small, work my way up. Bit of walking, some beginner's yoga, a few minutes here and there of my exercise DVDs. Nothing too big yet, since I get winded walking from the parking lot to our room in Oelman on Friday nights for Guild (for those of you who don't know Wright State campus, that's only about a block's worth of walking). And as soon as we can afford it, I'm going to start buying and making food with fresh fruits and vegetables (might be able to help Ben get past his veggie phobia, too). I want to lose weight. Not just want, but want (those who read that article will get that). I'm sick and tired of having to buy bra extenders just because Walmart doesn't go up to my size, band-wise. I'm sick of wearing the ugly clothing because it's the only cheap stuff that fits (even places like Walmart and Meijer have cute as hell stuff in their skinny bitch section). I also really want to be in shape. This whole not being able to walk a few blocks without feeling like crap afterwards thing SUCKS.
I'm also going to try writing in here more. I like writing in my blog, and don't really understand why I go so long between posts. I can understand going a week or so, because nothing much interesting happens to me, so I don't usually have much to write about. But past that? Aww hell no. I'mma write, and annoy people by never shutting up! Bwahaha! You were warned. ^_^
There's a time waster I just found the other day that I don't mind wasting time with. I found a website called Khan Academy, that has all these class type things you can do to learn stuff, just like in those real schools that I'll never be able to afford to go back to. Tons of math stuff, plus other much-more-interesting stuff like physics, philosophy, health and medicine, and so much more. I plan on learnin' me some stuff. It's got a lot of stuff I missed out on by not completing ninth grade, like chemistry and calculus, so that'll be interesting to learn. Also, I never got around to taking any philosophy or art history classes when I was at Wright State, so that'll be even more fun. Whee! And to aid in my interest, they appealed to the gamer in me. You can earn badges for doing things, like answering a lot of questions really quickly and all correctly, or by watching videos for a certain amount of time. They also have mastery test thingies, which I have yet to do, but they sound really fun. I'm being a bit of a completionist whore, and I'm trying to get mastery on every single math thing. It'll be hard once I get past algebra, but this site is also made for elementary school students, as well as every other age, so getting mastery on the stuff like "Counting By 100s" is a wee bit too easy. But, completionism...
So yeah, simply put, I'mma start doing stuff. As soon as I make a cup of coffee and actually get some damn energy. Mmm, caffeine.
Sunday, August 10, 2014
Gods, Do I Want Some Candy
Looking back at some of my most recent posts, I think I need to rename this blog to VampAmber's Wall Of Text Emporium. Then again, I don't post for forever, then try fitting everything into one post, so it makes sense. Also, I talk way too much. That's always a big help when creating text walls.
Completely obsessed with a new song:
A friend of mine on Facebook (I'm a horrible person, but I can't remember who it was) posted this video awhile back, and I listened to it out of curiosity, and fell madly in love. I just... I love the beat, I love the lyrics, even the video is awesome. And then last night on the way to the Victoria Theater to see The Big Lebowski, this came on the radio on The X. I had to dance, even though I was driving. It was required. Such an awesome song! <3 <3 <3
Speaking of last night, we went to the Victoria theater, as I previously mentioned, to see one of their Cool Films series movies. Well, we got there late and were rushing to get in (the movie had already been playing for a few minutes when we finally got there), so we handed the old guy our ticket book (it had eight tickets in it, this is important later). He took our tickets and showed us into the theater. Well, when we were walking back to the car (the we in this whole instance being just me and Ben, also important), Ben was looking through the tickets to see when the next movie we wanted to see was showing. That's when we found out there were only three tickets left in the book. Now, for those of you who weren't doing the math the whole time, that's three tickets left, two tickets used, and we started with eight tickets. Well fuck, the guy took five instead of two. Those tickets were fuck expensive, too, so now I need to call up the theater tomorrow and bitch (or better yet, have Ben do it, because he's better at yelling at people nicely and coherently). But seriously man, did you have to steal three tickets? Ugh! At least the movie was pretty good.
So beyond sleepy right now. I need more caffeine. I have some friends who are very insistent that I quit drinking caffeine completely because it only makes the sleepy thing worse (among many, many, many other things), but they don't seem to understand that I am so addicted at this point that I'd almost need rehab to have any hopes of quitting for longer than a week. So until I can afford a few weeks at Betty Ford, I guess I need to stock up on some two liters when Ben gets paid on Thursday. Cuz this sleepy crap sucks, and coffee kills my stomach too much to be drinking it every day. Ugh, ugh, double ugh.
My teeth are absolutely killing me lately. The tooth didn't end up having an abscess, but I did have some ulcers in my gums. They gave me this prescription mouthwash that I'm pretty sure is just mint-flavored hydrogen peroxide, and it helps a little bit, but now my other teeth are hurting, too. I think I have a cavity on the inner bit of the top tooth on my left-hand side farthest back. That tooth has been pushed out of the way and is somewhat sideways because my mouth is so small, and now the entire thing is throbbing 24/7. Add that to the fact that my chipped tooth which sometimes gets overly sensitive is in one of those phases again, and my mouth is hell on earth. I'm pretty sure the chip exposes the root slightly or something, because just breathing through my mouth makes it hurt when its in the on phase. The people at the dental clinic in the hospital that I went to when I thought I had an abscess can take me on as a regular client, so I'm going to be calling them tomorrow to schedule a cleaning for the end of September (when I'm allowed my next one by Medicaid), and hopefully this place won't be as incompetent as the one I went to in Sydney. That dude was fairly an idiot. I had a lot of "doctors" that didn't know squat back when I lived in Lakeview. The only people I saw on a regular basis that knew anything were the people at Consolidated Care (not counting that one therapist I had that loved bullying me). Hopefully, Dayton has less-idiotic health care providers. The bar has been set incredibly low, though, so that'll help.
Finally caught a picture of one of the kittens that isn't blurry! My phone is over two years old, and was the cheapest model John could get, so the camera sucks hard, and my digital camera I got when I was still with Jim, so that makes it almost six years old, and even new it was the second cheapest camera Walmart had. All that adds up to a lot of pictures of the kittens that make them look like blurry blobs. So yesterday while I was going through my books and DVDs trying to find stuff to sell to Half Price Books, I accidentally managed to catch the perfect picture of Pocky.
I feel proud. I'll try and grab a good one of Wasabi soon, but she never seems to hold still long enough to let me take the photo. Maybe if I get Ben to do it. She's definitely daddy's girl. Though Pocky's my baby, so it all kinda evens out in the end.
I've been losing weight, which is a yay I guess. The place Ben works has been screwing everybody over and only giving them two days a week, and all of the ones Ben has been getting are five hour shifts, during which he usually gets cut a few hours in. That leads to not-very-big-paychecks, so we haven't been able to get as many groceries each check as we'd like to. I've lost a few pounds these last few weeks just because I don't eat very often, and lately I don't finish my entire meal because every day it's Hamburger Helper, which I am getting downright sick of. I'm only a pound and a half away from the 260s at least, so it's not all bad. I do need to start exercising soon, though. I got winded trying to keep up with Ben's walking speed for the two blocks we had to walk to get to the theater last night. That's a big bad no-no. I just can't motivate myself, though. I know that not exercising is killing me, but that doesn't seem to be enough, because I also know that if I start exercising again, I'll stop after a few days because I hate it so goddamned much. That, and it reeeeeeeally hurts sometimes. I guess I'm doomed to be a dead fat ass, then...
I need to start reading again. I was reading a lot there for awhile, and then just... stopped. I have sooooooooooo many great books to read (four of which are from the library, so they'll be due back eventually). I guess I just haven't had the time. I've got three different games on my Nook that I play somewhat obsessively (Clash Of Clans, My Singing Monsters, and High School Story), and I'm addicted to this one Facebook game as well (it's called Ghost Tales), so I spend way too much time playing those. >_< Need to start reading again. I have the sequel to John Dies At The End, for heaven's sake, and I'm only a couple pages in! How can that even be?!?! *thunks head on desk*
I have a LOT of stuff I need to be doing that I haven't been. I don't clean enough. I still have a ton of boxes that I have yet to unpack (and I've been here three and a half months already!). I haven't written much of anything on any of my stories (though at least I've been posting on this writing prompt Facebook group page I belong to, so that's better than nothing). I still haven't pulled out my water colors art kit that I got for Christmas and used it. I haven't even watched the tutorial DVD yet. I am a lazy fuck lately. And I hate it more than anything, but I can't figure out how to fix it. GYARG!
Well, in good news at least, hopefully Ben got the job at VRI. He went through the interview process, and he sent in the essay-esque thing they wanted him to write, but he hasn't heard anything either way back yet. Mind you, he had the interview on Wednesday, and didn't email the essay thingie til Friday, and they told him they couldn't get him in until the September orientation, so there is NO REASON WHATSOEVER to be worried yet, but you know me, I'm a worrier. This would be a full time job (40 hours a week as compared to his current >10), and when he's done with training he'll be earning over a dollar more an hour than he does where he works now, so it would fix a lot of our money issues. We'd be able to afford food again, at least. Oh gods, oh gods, oh gods, I hope they do actually hire him. I don't see why they wouldn't, but I'm still terrified.
And thus returns the wall of text, now with kickass videos and cute kitty pictures. ^_^
Completely obsessed with a new song:
A friend of mine on Facebook (I'm a horrible person, but I can't remember who it was) posted this video awhile back, and I listened to it out of curiosity, and fell madly in love. I just... I love the beat, I love the lyrics, even the video is awesome. And then last night on the way to the Victoria Theater to see The Big Lebowski, this came on the radio on The X. I had to dance, even though I was driving. It was required. Such an awesome song! <3 <3 <3
Speaking of last night, we went to the Victoria theater, as I previously mentioned, to see one of their Cool Films series movies. Well, we got there late and were rushing to get in (the movie had already been playing for a few minutes when we finally got there), so we handed the old guy our ticket book (it had eight tickets in it, this is important later). He took our tickets and showed us into the theater. Well, when we were walking back to the car (the we in this whole instance being just me and Ben, also important), Ben was looking through the tickets to see when the next movie we wanted to see was showing. That's when we found out there were only three tickets left in the book. Now, for those of you who weren't doing the math the whole time, that's three tickets left, two tickets used, and we started with eight tickets. Well fuck, the guy took five instead of two. Those tickets were fuck expensive, too, so now I need to call up the theater tomorrow and bitch (or better yet, have Ben do it, because he's better at yelling at people nicely and coherently). But seriously man, did you have to steal three tickets? Ugh! At least the movie was pretty good.
So beyond sleepy right now. I need more caffeine. I have some friends who are very insistent that I quit drinking caffeine completely because it only makes the sleepy thing worse (among many, many, many other things), but they don't seem to understand that I am so addicted at this point that I'd almost need rehab to have any hopes of quitting for longer than a week. So until I can afford a few weeks at Betty Ford, I guess I need to stock up on some two liters when Ben gets paid on Thursday. Cuz this sleepy crap sucks, and coffee kills my stomach too much to be drinking it every day. Ugh, ugh, double ugh.
My teeth are absolutely killing me lately. The tooth didn't end up having an abscess, but I did have some ulcers in my gums. They gave me this prescription mouthwash that I'm pretty sure is just mint-flavored hydrogen peroxide, and it helps a little bit, but now my other teeth are hurting, too. I think I have a cavity on the inner bit of the top tooth on my left-hand side farthest back. That tooth has been pushed out of the way and is somewhat sideways because my mouth is so small, and now the entire thing is throbbing 24/7. Add that to the fact that my chipped tooth which sometimes gets overly sensitive is in one of those phases again, and my mouth is hell on earth. I'm pretty sure the chip exposes the root slightly or something, because just breathing through my mouth makes it hurt when its in the on phase. The people at the dental clinic in the hospital that I went to when I thought I had an abscess can take me on as a regular client, so I'm going to be calling them tomorrow to schedule a cleaning for the end of September (when I'm allowed my next one by Medicaid), and hopefully this place won't be as incompetent as the one I went to in Sydney. That dude was fairly an idiot. I had a lot of "doctors" that didn't know squat back when I lived in Lakeview. The only people I saw on a regular basis that knew anything were the people at Consolidated Care (not counting that one therapist I had that loved bullying me). Hopefully, Dayton has less-idiotic health care providers. The bar has been set incredibly low, though, so that'll help.
Finally caught a picture of one of the kittens that isn't blurry! My phone is over two years old, and was the cheapest model John could get, so the camera sucks hard, and my digital camera I got when I was still with Jim, so that makes it almost six years old, and even new it was the second cheapest camera Walmart had. All that adds up to a lot of pictures of the kittens that make them look like blurry blobs. So yesterday while I was going through my books and DVDs trying to find stuff to sell to Half Price Books, I accidentally managed to catch the perfect picture of Pocky.
It's a box of Pocky!
I feel proud. I'll try and grab a good one of Wasabi soon, but she never seems to hold still long enough to let me take the photo. Maybe if I get Ben to do it. She's definitely daddy's girl. Though Pocky's my baby, so it all kinda evens out in the end.
I've been losing weight, which is a yay I guess. The place Ben works has been screwing everybody over and only giving them two days a week, and all of the ones Ben has been getting are five hour shifts, during which he usually gets cut a few hours in. That leads to not-very-big-paychecks, so we haven't been able to get as many groceries each check as we'd like to. I've lost a few pounds these last few weeks just because I don't eat very often, and lately I don't finish my entire meal because every day it's Hamburger Helper, which I am getting downright sick of. I'm only a pound and a half away from the 260s at least, so it's not all bad. I do need to start exercising soon, though. I got winded trying to keep up with Ben's walking speed for the two blocks we had to walk to get to the theater last night. That's a big bad no-no. I just can't motivate myself, though. I know that not exercising is killing me, but that doesn't seem to be enough, because I also know that if I start exercising again, I'll stop after a few days because I hate it so goddamned much. That, and it reeeeeeeally hurts sometimes. I guess I'm doomed to be a dead fat ass, then...
I need to start reading again. I was reading a lot there for awhile, and then just... stopped. I have sooooooooooo many great books to read (four of which are from the library, so they'll be due back eventually). I guess I just haven't had the time. I've got three different games on my Nook that I play somewhat obsessively (Clash Of Clans, My Singing Monsters, and High School Story), and I'm addicted to this one Facebook game as well (it's called Ghost Tales), so I spend way too much time playing those. >_< Need to start reading again. I have the sequel to John Dies At The End, for heaven's sake, and I'm only a couple pages in! How can that even be?!?! *thunks head on desk*
I have a LOT of stuff I need to be doing that I haven't been. I don't clean enough. I still have a ton of boxes that I have yet to unpack (and I've been here three and a half months already!). I haven't written much of anything on any of my stories (though at least I've been posting on this writing prompt Facebook group page I belong to, so that's better than nothing). I still haven't pulled out my water colors art kit that I got for Christmas and used it. I haven't even watched the tutorial DVD yet. I am a lazy fuck lately. And I hate it more than anything, but I can't figure out how to fix it. GYARG!
Well, in good news at least, hopefully Ben got the job at VRI. He went through the interview process, and he sent in the essay-esque thing they wanted him to write, but he hasn't heard anything either way back yet. Mind you, he had the interview on Wednesday, and didn't email the essay thingie til Friday, and they told him they couldn't get him in until the September orientation, so there is NO REASON WHATSOEVER to be worried yet, but you know me, I'm a worrier. This would be a full time job (40 hours a week as compared to his current >10), and when he's done with training he'll be earning over a dollar more an hour than he does where he works now, so it would fix a lot of our money issues. We'd be able to afford food again, at least. Oh gods, oh gods, oh gods, I hope they do actually hire him. I don't see why they wouldn't, but I'm still terrified.
And thus returns the wall of text, now with kickass videos and cute kitty pictures. ^_^
Friday, August 1, 2014
All The Fun Pain
I really need to quit forgetting to write anything in here. Good thing it's a free website, otherwise I'd be wasting a lot of money.
Anyways, I'm in a fair amount of physical pain right now. The biggest thing in my teeth. I'm fairly certain I have an abscess. I have pretty much all the symptoms, and it looks exactly like the tamer pictures that you get when you Google "tooth abscess" (except right now, my little puss-bit thingie is black...). Going to go to the hospital tomorrow to get a root canal or something to fix it. One of the hospitals here has a dental center, which is a really good thing because I called quite a few places to try and get in to see a dentist, but since I'd be a new patient, what very few places that were both accepting new patients and take Molina Healthcare (that's the insurance I have) all said I'd have to wait at least two or three weeks for them to be able to fit me in. Mind you, a part of my gums is turning black, my mouth bleeds so bad every time that I brush my teeth that I have bloodstains on my toothbrush, I'm in constant, agonizing pain, and it hurts to chew anything that isn't the consistency of pudding, so waiting three weeks would be a very bad idea. Also, apparently if you leave it alone long enough, an oral abscess can kill you. Yeah, I'd like to avoid that part. Also, I hate my mouth constantly tasting of blood and puss...
Lost another "friend", also. Doug went batshit insane and bullied me like mad crazy, but I'm over it and don't really feel like going into it any more. Just thought you guys might want to know. Oh, and because of the crap Doug was telling people about us, we lost Dave as a friend, and apparently Rob as a friend, too (because it's been over a month since Rob has acknowledged us in any way, shape or form), and Zach is on severe probation. Probably a good thing I got rid of them. Or that they got rid of themselves, I should say. It's nice having friends who aren't 20 year old guys. No offense against 20 year olds in general, just against the really immature ones (and the really immature 43 year olds, too). And that's pretty much all the name calling I'm allowing myself.
Edit: It would seem that all it took to fix things with Rob and Zach was talking for a few minutes. They were being a bit immature, true, but not as much as I thought (since they weren't talking to me, I had no way of knowing what was going on). So yeah, good to know that everything could've been fixed a few weeks ago this easily... >_< At least there are two less people in the world that hate me. I did miss them.
The kittens aren't exactly kittens any more. They're what my friend Kelly refers to as "cattens": halfway between kitten and cat. They're going completely insane, apparently. The bedroom door has to stay closed now, because they run across the bed while we sleep and cut the crap out of Ben with their nails (even when we've recently trimmed them). They also jump all over us, and make tons of noise by messing with the blinds and knocking stuff over. So yeah, they've officially lost going-to-bed-with-mommy-and-daddy privileges. They still don't understand the concept of the scratching post. They knock it over, they play on top of it, they chew on it, but they have never once scratched it. I guess they don't need to, because the couch and the mattress work perfectly fine. I've turned into the disciplinarian, because when I yell at them to get off the table or the kitchen counters they listen; when Ben yells at them for the same things, they ignore him. They still do cute things like fall asleep on us, though, so it's all good. And sometimes Pocky goes psycho in her tail chasing, jumping up and down and spinning all around, trying to catch the thing. She does it in the kitchen, so the entire time she's jumping around around, she's also slipping all over the place because of the smooth floor. So. Much. Cute! <3 <3 <3
Got a few other problems physically. I can't get a full night's sleep anymore, not for the last two weeks, at least. I fall asleep quickly, just like normal people do, just like I've always wanted, but I wake up after five or six hours in large quantities of pain, mostly in my back. No matter how I lay after I wake up like this, being in bed just hurts too freaking much. So I've been tired a lot, but at least I've been getting up at daytime hours. It's weird being awake at 10am, but not because I haven't went to bed yet. >_< I'm going to try seeing a doctor about it soon, or if it doesn't get too bad, I'll just wait for my appointment on the 22nd. I've also been getting dizzy and sick to my stomach, and almost throwing up and passing out, and I'mma bring all that up, too. Cuz yeah, being sick sucks. Being that sick, for two weeks straight... Yeah, fuck that shit.
I'm once again trying out the freelance writing game. I signed up with a website called Freelancer. I bid on jobs there, instead of trying to come up with articles out of nowhere. I just bid on my first job today, a creative blog post job where I'd get $10 for 350 words. No idea if I'll win the bid, but at least I'm trying, right? It'd be nice to have a bit of extra money to toss around.
Oh, and I must pimp one more thing before I'm done with this post: LibraryThing is one of my newest addictions. It's this site that lets you catalog your books (kinda like GoodReads, except they don't let you update your progress), but that's not the cool part. The cool part is the Early Reviewers program. You can sign up to win books before they're released to the general public. The more books you have listed on your profile, the more likely you are to win one. All they require is that you read it somewhat quickly (no strict rule, but I figure they'd prefer you do it within a month or so of getting it) and review it when you're done. It doesn't have to be a glowing review, it just has to be what you thought of it. The only bad part about the site is that the free account only lets you add 200 books. I'm a bad, bad girl, and I'm seriously considering paying the $25 for the lifetime membership, because that way I can add infinite books (considering the fact that I'm sure I have at the very least 1,500 books between paper and ebooks by now). Also, the Early Reviewers program picks the book(s) that you win based off of what's in your library. Right now, I only have a large majority of the stuff on my Nook (the ones not on my Kindle app, I mean). Those aren't exactly the best of examples for them to look at while picking out free books for me. But yeah, I've won three books in the last two months (two ebooks and a paperback). Nice, no?
I've been cataloging my book collection on this app I found for free. It's taking forever to do so because the input process is terrible (also, see earlier comment about how many books I have), but it makes my occasional OCD happy. That, and when I finish, I'll be able to figure out what book to start next soooooooooooooooo much easier. ^_^ I'll know what books I have, how long they are, where they are, what they're about, and all without doing anything other than opening up the app on my Nook. That makes OCDBibliophileAmber very happy.
Ooh, ooh, ooh! Guess what me, Ben, and Rich went and saw earlier? Guardians Of The Galaxy! The theater that Ben works at shows certain new releases the day before they come out in most theaters, so we went to the 7pm showing in IMAX 3D. The movie was incredible amazing awesome win, but the conditions in which we saw it sucked. It had nothing to do with the theater itself, so no worries. We just got there a few minutes late, so we were stuck in the second row (we were only about three yards from the screen). My neck still hurts from staring up at the screen the entire movie, and it was literally impossible to see the entire screen all at once. That, and IMAX 3D movies give me a wicked headache. I learned this back in November when me and Ben went to see Thor 2. Ugh. The movie was good enough to make the headache and neck strain worth it, but still, oww. I won't give any spoilers away, because I'm nice like that (and don't want to deal with death threats), but I will say if you like stuff like Firefly/Serenity, you'd definitely love this. It had that same kinda feel to it, you know? We plan on seeing it at least two or three more times before it leaves theaters, it was THAT. GOOD. And for those of you not used to Marvel movies, don't forget to stay behind for the bits at the end and after the credits.
Gonna try to write in here more often. Hopefully, I can actually keep that promise. Somebody yell at me if I don't start writing in here more often.
Anyways, I'm in a fair amount of physical pain right now. The biggest thing in my teeth. I'm fairly certain I have an abscess. I have pretty much all the symptoms, and it looks exactly like the tamer pictures that you get when you Google "tooth abscess" (except right now, my little puss-bit thingie is black...). Going to go to the hospital tomorrow to get a root canal or something to fix it. One of the hospitals here has a dental center, which is a really good thing because I called quite a few places to try and get in to see a dentist, but since I'd be a new patient, what very few places that were both accepting new patients and take Molina Healthcare (that's the insurance I have) all said I'd have to wait at least two or three weeks for them to be able to fit me in. Mind you, a part of my gums is turning black, my mouth bleeds so bad every time that I brush my teeth that I have bloodstains on my toothbrush, I'm in constant, agonizing pain, and it hurts to chew anything that isn't the consistency of pudding, so waiting three weeks would be a very bad idea. Also, apparently if you leave it alone long enough, an oral abscess can kill you. Yeah, I'd like to avoid that part. Also, I hate my mouth constantly tasting of blood and puss...
Lost another "friend", also. Doug went batshit insane and bullied me like mad crazy, but I'm over it and don't really feel like going into it any more. Just thought you guys might want to know. Oh, and because of the crap Doug was telling people about us, we lost Dave as a friend, and apparently Rob as a friend, too (because it's been over a month since Rob has acknowledged us in any way, shape or form), and Zach is on severe probation. Probably a good thing I got rid of them. Or that they got rid of themselves, I should say. It's nice having friends who aren't 20 year old guys. No offense against 20 year olds in general, just against the really immature ones (and the really immature 43 year olds, too). And that's pretty much all the name calling I'm allowing myself.
Edit: It would seem that all it took to fix things with Rob and Zach was talking for a few minutes. They were being a bit immature, true, but not as much as I thought (since they weren't talking to me, I had no way of knowing what was going on). So yeah, good to know that everything could've been fixed a few weeks ago this easily... >_< At least there are two less people in the world that hate me. I did miss them.
The kittens aren't exactly kittens any more. They're what my friend Kelly refers to as "cattens": halfway between kitten and cat. They're going completely insane, apparently. The bedroom door has to stay closed now, because they run across the bed while we sleep and cut the crap out of Ben with their nails (even when we've recently trimmed them). They also jump all over us, and make tons of noise by messing with the blinds and knocking stuff over. So yeah, they've officially lost going-to-bed-with-mommy-and-daddy privileges. They still don't understand the concept of the scratching post. They knock it over, they play on top of it, they chew on it, but they have never once scratched it. I guess they don't need to, because the couch and the mattress work perfectly fine. I've turned into the disciplinarian, because when I yell at them to get off the table or the kitchen counters they listen; when Ben yells at them for the same things, they ignore him. They still do cute things like fall asleep on us, though, so it's all good. And sometimes Pocky goes psycho in her tail chasing, jumping up and down and spinning all around, trying to catch the thing. She does it in the kitchen, so the entire time she's jumping around around, she's also slipping all over the place because of the smooth floor. So. Much. Cute! <3 <3 <3
Got a few other problems physically. I can't get a full night's sleep anymore, not for the last two weeks, at least. I fall asleep quickly, just like normal people do, just like I've always wanted, but I wake up after five or six hours in large quantities of pain, mostly in my back. No matter how I lay after I wake up like this, being in bed just hurts too freaking much. So I've been tired a lot, but at least I've been getting up at daytime hours. It's weird being awake at 10am, but not because I haven't went to bed yet. >_< I'm going to try seeing a doctor about it soon, or if it doesn't get too bad, I'll just wait for my appointment on the 22nd. I've also been getting dizzy and sick to my stomach, and almost throwing up and passing out, and I'mma bring all that up, too. Cuz yeah, being sick sucks. Being that sick, for two weeks straight... Yeah, fuck that shit.
I'm once again trying out the freelance writing game. I signed up with a website called Freelancer. I bid on jobs there, instead of trying to come up with articles out of nowhere. I just bid on my first job today, a creative blog post job where I'd get $10 for 350 words. No idea if I'll win the bid, but at least I'm trying, right? It'd be nice to have a bit of extra money to toss around.
Oh, and I must pimp one more thing before I'm done with this post: LibraryThing is one of my newest addictions. It's this site that lets you catalog your books (kinda like GoodReads, except they don't let you update your progress), but that's not the cool part. The cool part is the Early Reviewers program. You can sign up to win books before they're released to the general public. The more books you have listed on your profile, the more likely you are to win one. All they require is that you read it somewhat quickly (no strict rule, but I figure they'd prefer you do it within a month or so of getting it) and review it when you're done. It doesn't have to be a glowing review, it just has to be what you thought of it. The only bad part about the site is that the free account only lets you add 200 books. I'm a bad, bad girl, and I'm seriously considering paying the $25 for the lifetime membership, because that way I can add infinite books (considering the fact that I'm sure I have at the very least 1,500 books between paper and ebooks by now). Also, the Early Reviewers program picks the book(s) that you win based off of what's in your library. Right now, I only have a large majority of the stuff on my Nook (the ones not on my Kindle app, I mean). Those aren't exactly the best of examples for them to look at while picking out free books for me. But yeah, I've won three books in the last two months (two ebooks and a paperback). Nice, no?
I've been cataloging my book collection on this app I found for free. It's taking forever to do so because the input process is terrible (also, see earlier comment about how many books I have), but it makes my occasional OCD happy. That, and when I finish, I'll be able to figure out what book to start next soooooooooooooooo much easier. ^_^ I'll know what books I have, how long they are, where they are, what they're about, and all without doing anything other than opening up the app on my Nook. That makes OCDBibliophileAmber very happy.
Ooh, ooh, ooh! Guess what me, Ben, and Rich went and saw earlier? Guardians Of The Galaxy! The theater that Ben works at shows certain new releases the day before they come out in most theaters, so we went to the 7pm showing in IMAX 3D. The movie was incredible amazing awesome win, but the conditions in which we saw it sucked. It had nothing to do with the theater itself, so no worries. We just got there a few minutes late, so we were stuck in the second row (we were only about three yards from the screen). My neck still hurts from staring up at the screen the entire movie, and it was literally impossible to see the entire screen all at once. That, and IMAX 3D movies give me a wicked headache. I learned this back in November when me and Ben went to see Thor 2. Ugh. The movie was good enough to make the headache and neck strain worth it, but still, oww. I won't give any spoilers away, because I'm nice like that (and don't want to deal with death threats), but I will say if you like stuff like Firefly/Serenity, you'd definitely love this. It had that same kinda feel to it, you know? We plan on seeing it at least two or three more times before it leaves theaters, it was THAT. GOOD. And for those of you not used to Marvel movies, don't forget to stay behind for the bits at the end and after the credits.
Gonna try to write in here more often. Hopefully, I can actually keep that promise. Somebody yell at me if I don't start writing in here more often.
Monday, June 9, 2014
Wall Of Text
So, it would seem that I've finally grown enough of a spine to start getting rid of those "friends" in my life that do nothing but use and abuse me and my good nature. First, I got rid of Jeff for stalking me and using the apartment as a way to control my every little action. Now I just got rid of Karyn, who's been my friend for about 15 years, and has most likely been using me for that long. For the last few years (think four or five), she's pretty much all but ignored me unless she needed something, like when she got dumped by her last boyfriend, who was an abusive drug user, and if I remember correctly, a dealer as well. She had to leave Detroit to go back to her hometown in Pennsylvania, and she stopped by my parents' house to stay the night. Before and after that, we talked almost not at all. Until her most recent phase of holier-than-thou. A few weeks ago, I made the mistake of posting on Facebook during a panic attack, talking about how bad I felt at the moment. She made sure to start an argument about how I shouldn't have kids until I was 100% perfect better sane or whatever. What pissed me off the most about this is that I have ALWAYS been more stable than her. I was the one who always talked her out of committing suicide when I was in college. I was always the one who tried to make her feel better after another failed-from-the-start relationship. I was the one who tried to nicely convince her to stop with the drugs already. But she seems to enjoy forgetting everything good I've ever done for her when there's a chance to make herself look like she knows everything on the planet. She said I had to be completely better to have kids. NO ONE gets 100% better. Ever. Especially her. But nooooooo, gods forbid she actually think things like a normal human person would think.
I'm just so fucking pissed right now. Now that I'm not in denial about her being my best friend forever, I'm remembering all the horrible shit she's done to me over the years. There was this one time where she let me have a website off of hers. I built it up and did everything I could to make it good for the people paying me to post about their products. I worked my ass off on it, and it was paying off to the tune of about $100 or so a month, straight to my PayPal account. Now, this was years ago, when that was my ONLY source of revenue. I had no job, and got no money anywhere else. This is important, because she was also hosting a forum website that we both belonged to. She was very... touchy about anything that didn't go completely her way, and always over reacted on everything. I can't even remember what it was, but someone on the board pissed her off, and she threw a temper tantrum and deleted everything connected to her website. She kept saying that it was an accident, but everyone knew she was lying through her teeth, myself included. But I defended her, because I thought she was my friend. I seem to recall being the only one who defended her. Even though her temper tantrum made me lose my only source of income. Months and months of hard work, all ruined because she threw a hissy fit. But did I stop being her friend? No, because I'm a pathetic person who does everything she can to keep a friend, no matter how badly they treat her. Thus, even more years of being used. But I'm done. I deleted her off of everything, and at this point, I doubt she'll even notice me missing from her friends list. It's so full of her sycophants that she'd never notice one of the few people who stayed by no matter what gone. But good riddance. I didn't think I could last another second holding in the fact that her baby makes Ethiopian kids look fat, and that she needs to fucking feed him. Yeah, I shouldn't have kids because I occasionally have panic attacks, and was on meds at the time she started the argument, but she can neglect her kid all she wants. Seriously, you probably shouldn't have kids if you had gastric bypass surgery. That teeny little stomach is made to mostly starve you to death without actually killing you. It is nowhere near big enough to support a growing fetus if it's too small to completely support you. I hope somebody else (not one of her fawning minions) realizes that she can't support this child with her own body and gives him some damn formula. Every time she posted a picture, I wanted to cry. He has no meat on him at all, and he's barely been growing. It's terrible. I really hope she doesn't kill him out of her stupidity.
But yeah, I keep getting pissed off at things, and maybe that's a good thing. I've been letting people use me for way too long. I have a really bad problem with low self-esteem, always have. I blame Mandy for starting that rumor in third grade that literally ruined my life, but that will need its own post (or probably posts, it's a very long, very depressing story). I'm always so afraid of being alone, and all my friends leaving me. I'm not worth staying around. I do and say stupid shit all the time, and eventually, everyone will figure out that they actually hate me and leave. It's actually happened before, a lot, so now I always think that's how everybody feels. I'm not quite right in the head, you know. I'm afraid my friends will ditch me, and Ben will dump, and I'll have nothing left. So I always let my friends get away with murder and then some, just so they won't leave. I become the doormat to avoid the risk of losing anyone. That's a horrible way to live, and I'm trying to stop, but it's hard. I'm getting better, though, so that's pretty good.
When I'm on my meds, I feel like a zombie. I don't feel depressed (usually), but I don't feel much of anything else, either. I need to get things figured out. I need to go into Welfare the next day that Ben doesn't work (cuz he needs to be there if we're going to apply for food stamps) and get a list of doctors and therapists I can see. It's been a few months since I last talked to a therapist, and boy do I need it. I need to talk about Jeff and Karyn and all this other shit with someone who can help me figure why I can't let go of the stress. also, it'd be nice to see a medical doctor. The nurse practitioner and the retard who replaced her when she went on maternity leave were completely worthless. I'd like to get something for these constant headaches, and maybe get a not-retarded answer as to why I get violently ill when I get too overheated. It'd be nice to not spend the entire summer in the bathroom vomiting and shitting liquid. Sorry for the TMI, but nobody ever really gets the severity of the issue if I just say I get sick. Oh, and I should apologize for using the term "retarded". Calling those two retarded is an insult to all retarded people, they were that fucking stupid. Oh my fucking gods.
In slightly more peppy news, the kitties are doing great. I keep trying to get a good picture of them to post here and on Facebook, but they all come out blurry. I think my camera's starting to get too old (I got it for Christmas when I was still with Jim about five or six years ago). I can try posting the blurry ones, if people actually want to see them. Maybe I could just hook my webcam back up and take pictures that way? *shrugs*
Been reading webcomics absolutely obsessively as of late. I've gone through the archives of soooooooooooo many. I started Something Positive a few days ago when I finished Punch An' Pie, and I forgot how much I love that webcomic. I've been laughing my ass off, to the point of Ben giving me very confused looks. I should probably do something more productive than reading webcomics, such as cleaning, but anybody who's known me for very long knows how I am when I go into addictive mode. I figure I'll get bored with them sooner or later and move on, so might as well enjoy this while it lasts. Whee!
I need to start writing again. I have all this free time, but I never use it on anything important. I finally know how I want to end "The Gamer Gods Are Smiling", and all I need to do is write it down, but I'm just too lazy as of late. And don't even get me started on my novel. Ugh! I have my muse, now all I need is my motivation. Yeah, I don't think that really exists any more, so I guess I'm screwed. >_<
I'm taking a break from gaming. Our Thursday night game became Endless Argument Night, and the stress was killing me. I stopped giving any shit about that game whatsoever about a month or so before it ended. All Rich did was bitch, and Rob just couldn't seem to wrap his head around the fact that he can't cheat the rules all the time, and Kieran was Kieran, no explanation needed there. It stopped being fun, and instead became the ultimate headache. The Friday night game was pretty cool, but mostly cuz I used it as a way to hang out with my friends instead of actually paying much attention to the game. There was still a ton of bitching, but at least I could ignore it easier by joking around with the ones not arguing. I haven't been able to think very well for the last few months, and that makes role playing really hard. I dunno.
Speaking of a mental fog, I'm starting to wonder if I have fibromyalgia. I was looking up the list of symptoms, and it would make sense. I'm tired all the time, and my brain is always in a fog, and my everything hurts pretty much all the time, and I've had this exact same endless headache for a few years now. It's hereditary, too, so the fact that my mom has it makes it more likely. Also, the fact that I have restless leg syndrome and possibly sleep apnea (you do not give an Ambien to a chick who says she only occasionally takes OTC sleeping pills if you're trying to test her for sleep apnea... idiots). I'mma hit up the library soon, get me a book on fibromyalgia, see if I can figure this all out. It would make a lot of stuff make more sense, though. And now that I'm thinking about it, I think my grandma either had the diagnosis of it, or had it sans diagnosis. I'll hafta ask my mom the next time I talk to her. It'd be nice to not have to be taking ibuprofen constantly for a headache that the ibuprofen does almost nothing for. Also, it would mean that I didn't actually have something wrong with my back. If I did have it, and they gave me the right pills, maybe I'd stop waking up with my back screaming and not being to move from the pain for the first minute or so. Oh, that'd be wonderful.
Really need to start exercising. We have all these DVDs we could use, and wonderful places around town to go for walks. The bikes are out until we can replace his back tire, but we can still do all the other stuff. It's not all my fault, though. He's being lazy, too. Bad Ben, no biscuit. ^_^ We severely need to go for a walk when he gets off of work today. Maybe to the library, so as to kill two birds with one stone. And maybe they'll be nice, fat birds that we can cook up and have for dinner. We are a bit short on groceries and money to buy groceries with. I wonder what pigeon tastes like? Heh heh heh...
I'm just so fucking pissed right now. Now that I'm not in denial about her being my best friend forever, I'm remembering all the horrible shit she's done to me over the years. There was this one time where she let me have a website off of hers. I built it up and did everything I could to make it good for the people paying me to post about their products. I worked my ass off on it, and it was paying off to the tune of about $100 or so a month, straight to my PayPal account. Now, this was years ago, when that was my ONLY source of revenue. I had no job, and got no money anywhere else. This is important, because she was also hosting a forum website that we both belonged to. She was very... touchy about anything that didn't go completely her way, and always over reacted on everything. I can't even remember what it was, but someone on the board pissed her off, and she threw a temper tantrum and deleted everything connected to her website. She kept saying that it was an accident, but everyone knew she was lying through her teeth, myself included. But I defended her, because I thought she was my friend. I seem to recall being the only one who defended her. Even though her temper tantrum made me lose my only source of income. Months and months of hard work, all ruined because she threw a hissy fit. But did I stop being her friend? No, because I'm a pathetic person who does everything she can to keep a friend, no matter how badly they treat her. Thus, even more years of being used. But I'm done. I deleted her off of everything, and at this point, I doubt she'll even notice me missing from her friends list. It's so full of her sycophants that she'd never notice one of the few people who stayed by no matter what gone. But good riddance. I didn't think I could last another second holding in the fact that her baby makes Ethiopian kids look fat, and that she needs to fucking feed him. Yeah, I shouldn't have kids because I occasionally have panic attacks, and was on meds at the time she started the argument, but she can neglect her kid all she wants. Seriously, you probably shouldn't have kids if you had gastric bypass surgery. That teeny little stomach is made to mostly starve you to death without actually killing you. It is nowhere near big enough to support a growing fetus if it's too small to completely support you. I hope somebody else (not one of her fawning minions) realizes that she can't support this child with her own body and gives him some damn formula. Every time she posted a picture, I wanted to cry. He has no meat on him at all, and he's barely been growing. It's terrible. I really hope she doesn't kill him out of her stupidity.
But yeah, I keep getting pissed off at things, and maybe that's a good thing. I've been letting people use me for way too long. I have a really bad problem with low self-esteem, always have. I blame Mandy for starting that rumor in third grade that literally ruined my life, but that will need its own post (or probably posts, it's a very long, very depressing story). I'm always so afraid of being alone, and all my friends leaving me. I'm not worth staying around. I do and say stupid shit all the time, and eventually, everyone will figure out that they actually hate me and leave. It's actually happened before, a lot, so now I always think that's how everybody feels. I'm not quite right in the head, you know. I'm afraid my friends will ditch me, and Ben will dump, and I'll have nothing left. So I always let my friends get away with murder and then some, just so they won't leave. I become the doormat to avoid the risk of losing anyone. That's a horrible way to live, and I'm trying to stop, but it's hard. I'm getting better, though, so that's pretty good.
When I'm on my meds, I feel like a zombie. I don't feel depressed (usually), but I don't feel much of anything else, either. I need to get things figured out. I need to go into Welfare the next day that Ben doesn't work (cuz he needs to be there if we're going to apply for food stamps) and get a list of doctors and therapists I can see. It's been a few months since I last talked to a therapist, and boy do I need it. I need to talk about Jeff and Karyn and all this other shit with someone who can help me figure why I can't let go of the stress. also, it'd be nice to see a medical doctor. The nurse practitioner and the retard who replaced her when she went on maternity leave were completely worthless. I'd like to get something for these constant headaches, and maybe get a not-retarded answer as to why I get violently ill when I get too overheated. It'd be nice to not spend the entire summer in the bathroom vomiting and shitting liquid. Sorry for the TMI, but nobody ever really gets the severity of the issue if I just say I get sick. Oh, and I should apologize for using the term "retarded". Calling those two retarded is an insult to all retarded people, they were that fucking stupid. Oh my fucking gods.
In slightly more peppy news, the kitties are doing great. I keep trying to get a good picture of them to post here and on Facebook, but they all come out blurry. I think my camera's starting to get too old (I got it for Christmas when I was still with Jim about five or six years ago). I can try posting the blurry ones, if people actually want to see them. Maybe I could just hook my webcam back up and take pictures that way? *shrugs*
Been reading webcomics absolutely obsessively as of late. I've gone through the archives of soooooooooooo many. I started Something Positive a few days ago when I finished Punch An' Pie, and I forgot how much I love that webcomic. I've been laughing my ass off, to the point of Ben giving me very confused looks. I should probably do something more productive than reading webcomics, such as cleaning, but anybody who's known me for very long knows how I am when I go into addictive mode. I figure I'll get bored with them sooner or later and move on, so might as well enjoy this while it lasts. Whee!
I need to start writing again. I have all this free time, but I never use it on anything important. I finally know how I want to end "The Gamer Gods Are Smiling", and all I need to do is write it down, but I'm just too lazy as of late. And don't even get me started on my novel. Ugh! I have my muse, now all I need is my motivation. Yeah, I don't think that really exists any more, so I guess I'm screwed. >_<
I'm taking a break from gaming. Our Thursday night game became Endless Argument Night, and the stress was killing me. I stopped giving any shit about that game whatsoever about a month or so before it ended. All Rich did was bitch, and Rob just couldn't seem to wrap his head around the fact that he can't cheat the rules all the time, and Kieran was Kieran, no explanation needed there. It stopped being fun, and instead became the ultimate headache. The Friday night game was pretty cool, but mostly cuz I used it as a way to hang out with my friends instead of actually paying much attention to the game. There was still a ton of bitching, but at least I could ignore it easier by joking around with the ones not arguing. I haven't been able to think very well for the last few months, and that makes role playing really hard. I dunno.
Speaking of a mental fog, I'm starting to wonder if I have fibromyalgia. I was looking up the list of symptoms, and it would make sense. I'm tired all the time, and my brain is always in a fog, and my everything hurts pretty much all the time, and I've had this exact same endless headache for a few years now. It's hereditary, too, so the fact that my mom has it makes it more likely. Also, the fact that I have restless leg syndrome and possibly sleep apnea (you do not give an Ambien to a chick who says she only occasionally takes OTC sleeping pills if you're trying to test her for sleep apnea... idiots). I'mma hit up the library soon, get me a book on fibromyalgia, see if I can figure this all out. It would make a lot of stuff make more sense, though. And now that I'm thinking about it, I think my grandma either had the diagnosis of it, or had it sans diagnosis. I'll hafta ask my mom the next time I talk to her. It'd be nice to not have to be taking ibuprofen constantly for a headache that the ibuprofen does almost nothing for. Also, it would mean that I didn't actually have something wrong with my back. If I did have it, and they gave me the right pills, maybe I'd stop waking up with my back screaming and not being to move from the pain for the first minute or so. Oh, that'd be wonderful.
Really need to start exercising. We have all these DVDs we could use, and wonderful places around town to go for walks. The bikes are out until we can replace his back tire, but we can still do all the other stuff. It's not all my fault, though. He's being lazy, too. Bad Ben, no biscuit. ^_^ We severely need to go for a walk when he gets off of work today. Maybe to the library, so as to kill two birds with one stone. And maybe they'll be nice, fat birds that we can cook up and have for dinner. We are a bit short on groceries and money to buy groceries with. I wonder what pigeon tastes like? Heh heh heh...
Saturday, May 24, 2014
Gonna Be A Human Today
I'm up and awake. I'm drinking caffeine to stay up. I slept last night. I plan on eating soon. And I'm not depressed (at the moment). I've been trying to be a bit of a normal human lately, and some days it actually works. Yays! I haven't exactly been able to sleep as of late. Insomnia times a million, basically. Not fun. Thus, sleeping pills have been purchased and are being taken at night. I live near friends and fun stuff and have better internet and live with the bestest fiancee ever. I need to be awake to enjoy all this. So yeah, yays!
So much to update on (cuz I'm lazy as fuck and never update this thing). Lots of stressful shit happened. Ugh. But at least i feel better now. And we have kittens! Baby cutie kitty babies! I'll hafta post pictures as soon as I get some good ones (they're not much for posing yet).
Biggest stressor: the Jeff bullshit I just went through. To sum it up, he was a controlling bitch. The first, and most glaring sign that he was way bad news should've been when he tried to talk me and Ben out of getting married, just because he had two failed marriages. Or he had a thing for me, which is what everybody else seems to think. I dunno. Anyway, when we got engaged, I invited him to be part of the wedding party, and he said we weren't allowed to move in with him if we got married. Made it out to be that we were doing the stupidest thing possible because our marriage was going to fail, etc. He said he'd feel "uncomfortable" if we lived with him and we were married. Utter bullshit, basically. But since we needed the place to live, I caved immediately so as not to piss him off. John's training dollars at work, ladies and gentlemen. So, if it was just that, he'd be a bitch, I'd deal with it, we'd move on. Then started the phone calls.
He was a truck driver, as I may have said earlier. I can't remember. Anyway, not much to do while you're driving. So he'd call his family and friends to talk. I understand that completely. Driving sucks. So, he'd call about two or three times a day, wanting to talk. Mostly about boring shit that made my ears bleed, but I wanted to be a good friend, so I listened. That was a few months ago. The number kept going up, though. Four calls, five, six a day. By the end of the friendship, it was AT LEAST 7 a day. I told him, repeatedly, to not call in the morning or in the early afternoon because I'd be asleep. At least three calls every day woke me up. I didn't answer them, obviously, but they kept coming! It didn't matter how many times I told him to not call when I was asleep, he KEPT CALLING. 9am, 11am, 12:15pm. Fuck! And when I did answer, he insisted on talking about himself for two godsdamned hours. Bitch bitch bitch,. complain complain complain. Or worse, I'd get his entire fucking schedule recited to me like I gave a shit. Gods. So yeah, after awhile of this 7 times a day bullshit, I stopped answering when I didn't feel like talking to him, which was more and more often as this insult to me continued. Well, I didn't answer or send back any messages for about two days, and he sent me this manipulative as fuck message about how since he couldn't "trust me to answer my phones", he couldn't "trust me to be a good roommate". I shit you not. Two fucking days. Gods.
Well, he he sent that text around 1am. At 6am, he called, and Ben was so pissed at this point that he answered the phone. Ben was completely polite, and told him that I was asleep, and we didn't appreciate the seven+ calls a day. Jeff, who was already pissy when Ben answered the phone and raring for a fight (bitch) said that we needed to have a talk about the apartment, in a VERY pissy tone, and Ben told him what we should have said after we "weren't allowed to get married": If you're going to be like this about everything, we don't want to live with you after all. So yeah, we're not moving in with him ever, or even talking to him.
He sent me an email the other day, saying that he called so much cuz I mentioned that I wasn't sleeping well and having trouble with my meds. You know what Jeff? Fuck away off and die. If you're going to be an uber-cunt, don't try and fix everything with pathetic lies. You wanted to use me like a doormat, and didn't appreciate me growing a spine. Die in a fire. I just hope he doesn't start stalking me at Guild or something. I could totally see him doing that. Thank the gods we can get him banned from our room for bothering us. Haven't heard from him in awhile, though, so hopefully he did fuck off. I don't need ass holes like that in my life. If I wanted somebody to use me and treat me like shit to make themselves feel better, I'd just go back to living with John. At least that way, I got free food.
So yeah, all kinds of stress there. At least it's over. I hope. Sorry for bitching like that. I just had to get it all out. I still haven't got my damn Medicaid transferred over, so I can't see a therapist yet. Ugh.
Another extra-stressful thing that I went through was a nice week-long suicidal fest. I got massive depressed because I was going off of one of my meds (the anti-psychotic that I went through the horrible withdrawal systems from a few years back when I lost my insurance). I had a whole bunch of panic attacks, and had to talk myself out of cutting quite a few times. Lots of crying, lots of suck. Thank the gods that Ben was great through the whole thing. I feel better now, too, so that's extra great. I hate being depressed.
Now, about my new adorable babies. We got them almost two weeks ago (has it really been that long?). My friend Candice said that one of her neighbors had a Free Kittens sign up in their yard, so we went by and picked out two females. We got two so they could keep each other company and play with each other (which they do, a lot). The grey one is named Wasabi, and she doesn't really like being held too much. She's very vocal, and loveloveloves any toys that make a noise. Her sists is black with white toes, and we named her Pocky. She was the run of the litter, and she's still so freaking tiny. She's very needy and clingy, and loves sleeping on laps and shoulders and under the covers with me in bed. They're both absolute purr bugs, and they're so silly. They seem to trade out the alpha and beta positions on a regular basis. One will be in control and win all the fights, then a few hours later, the positions will be reversed. It's so damn cute. They sleep a whole bunch, of course, and they love sleeping together, curled up into a cuddle puddle. Right now, Pocky is asleep behind my back in the desk chair. Dawwwwwwww. I need to start taking pictures of them. They only stay this small for a short time (though who can tell with Pocky).
Get to go to Yellow Springs with Scott today. Woohoo! Yellow Springs fucking rocks! It's this almost-hippie-commune type thing. A very artsy town, you know? They have a whole bunch of great art stores, and lots of stuff like used book stores and pagan stores and all kinds of other tasty. Tons of coffee shops, too. I'mma hit up the pagan store and drool. Maybe spend a little bit of the $25 me and Ben saved up on some cool stuff. Definitely going to get a few more buttons for my purse at the comic book store. I'm obsessed with covering the entire front of my purse with buttons. I'm about half way there. Might hafta hit up Hot Topic at one point, too, see if they still sell buttons. ^_^
Sometimes things don't seem real, but most of the time it doesn't matter. I dunno. I just... I don't think I can ever know who I really am, what really is. So I just hafta deal with it and move on. It's hard, a lot. Really hard. I don't think I can deal with it. Not really. But I guess I'll just see where this unreality leads me. I need to get back into magick. That always helped. If the world isn't real, at least I can can learn how to throw fireballs.
So much to update on (cuz I'm lazy as fuck and never update this thing). Lots of stressful shit happened. Ugh. But at least i feel better now. And we have kittens! Baby cutie kitty babies! I'll hafta post pictures as soon as I get some good ones (they're not much for posing yet).
Biggest stressor: the Jeff bullshit I just went through. To sum it up, he was a controlling bitch. The first, and most glaring sign that he was way bad news should've been when he tried to talk me and Ben out of getting married, just because he had two failed marriages. Or he had a thing for me, which is what everybody else seems to think. I dunno. Anyway, when we got engaged, I invited him to be part of the wedding party, and he said we weren't allowed to move in with him if we got married. Made it out to be that we were doing the stupidest thing possible because our marriage was going to fail, etc. He said he'd feel "uncomfortable" if we lived with him and we were married. Utter bullshit, basically. But since we needed the place to live, I caved immediately so as not to piss him off. John's training dollars at work, ladies and gentlemen. So, if it was just that, he'd be a bitch, I'd deal with it, we'd move on. Then started the phone calls.
He was a truck driver, as I may have said earlier. I can't remember. Anyway, not much to do while you're driving. So he'd call his family and friends to talk. I understand that completely. Driving sucks. So, he'd call about two or three times a day, wanting to talk. Mostly about boring shit that made my ears bleed, but I wanted to be a good friend, so I listened. That was a few months ago. The number kept going up, though. Four calls, five, six a day. By the end of the friendship, it was AT LEAST 7 a day. I told him, repeatedly, to not call in the morning or in the early afternoon because I'd be asleep. At least three calls every day woke me up. I didn't answer them, obviously, but they kept coming! It didn't matter how many times I told him to not call when I was asleep, he KEPT CALLING. 9am, 11am, 12:15pm. Fuck! And when I did answer, he insisted on talking about himself for two godsdamned hours. Bitch bitch bitch,. complain complain complain. Or worse, I'd get his entire fucking schedule recited to me like I gave a shit. Gods. So yeah, after awhile of this 7 times a day bullshit, I stopped answering when I didn't feel like talking to him, which was more and more often as this insult to me continued. Well, I didn't answer or send back any messages for about two days, and he sent me this manipulative as fuck message about how since he couldn't "trust me to answer my phones", he couldn't "trust me to be a good roommate". I shit you not. Two fucking days. Gods.
Well, he he sent that text around 1am. At 6am, he called, and Ben was so pissed at this point that he answered the phone. Ben was completely polite, and told him that I was asleep, and we didn't appreciate the seven+ calls a day. Jeff, who was already pissy when Ben answered the phone and raring for a fight (bitch) said that we needed to have a talk about the apartment, in a VERY pissy tone, and Ben told him what we should have said after we "weren't allowed to get married": If you're going to be like this about everything, we don't want to live with you after all. So yeah, we're not moving in with him ever, or even talking to him.
He sent me an email the other day, saying that he called so much cuz I mentioned that I wasn't sleeping well and having trouble with my meds. You know what Jeff? Fuck away off and die. If you're going to be an uber-cunt, don't try and fix everything with pathetic lies. You wanted to use me like a doormat, and didn't appreciate me growing a spine. Die in a fire. I just hope he doesn't start stalking me at Guild or something. I could totally see him doing that. Thank the gods we can get him banned from our room for bothering us. Haven't heard from him in awhile, though, so hopefully he did fuck off. I don't need ass holes like that in my life. If I wanted somebody to use me and treat me like shit to make themselves feel better, I'd just go back to living with John. At least that way, I got free food.
So yeah, all kinds of stress there. At least it's over. I hope. Sorry for bitching like that. I just had to get it all out. I still haven't got my damn Medicaid transferred over, so I can't see a therapist yet. Ugh.
Another extra-stressful thing that I went through was a nice week-long suicidal fest. I got massive depressed because I was going off of one of my meds (the anti-psychotic that I went through the horrible withdrawal systems from a few years back when I lost my insurance). I had a whole bunch of panic attacks, and had to talk myself out of cutting quite a few times. Lots of crying, lots of suck. Thank the gods that Ben was great through the whole thing. I feel better now, too, so that's extra great. I hate being depressed.
Now, about my new adorable babies. We got them almost two weeks ago (has it really been that long?). My friend Candice said that one of her neighbors had a Free Kittens sign up in their yard, so we went by and picked out two females. We got two so they could keep each other company and play with each other (which they do, a lot). The grey one is named Wasabi, and she doesn't really like being held too much. She's very vocal, and loveloveloves any toys that make a noise. Her sists is black with white toes, and we named her Pocky. She was the run of the litter, and she's still so freaking tiny. She's very needy and clingy, and loves sleeping on laps and shoulders and under the covers with me in bed. They're both absolute purr bugs, and they're so silly. They seem to trade out the alpha and beta positions on a regular basis. One will be in control and win all the fights, then a few hours later, the positions will be reversed. It's so damn cute. They sleep a whole bunch, of course, and they love sleeping together, curled up into a cuddle puddle. Right now, Pocky is asleep behind my back in the desk chair. Dawwwwwwww. I need to start taking pictures of them. They only stay this small for a short time (though who can tell with Pocky).
Get to go to Yellow Springs with Scott today. Woohoo! Yellow Springs fucking rocks! It's this almost-hippie-commune type thing. A very artsy town, you know? They have a whole bunch of great art stores, and lots of stuff like used book stores and pagan stores and all kinds of other tasty. Tons of coffee shops, too. I'mma hit up the pagan store and drool. Maybe spend a little bit of the $25 me and Ben saved up on some cool stuff. Definitely going to get a few more buttons for my purse at the comic book store. I'm obsessed with covering the entire front of my purse with buttons. I'm about half way there. Might hafta hit up Hot Topic at one point, too, see if they still sell buttons. ^_^
Sometimes things don't seem real, but most of the time it doesn't matter. I dunno. I just... I don't think I can ever know who I really am, what really is. So I just hafta deal with it and move on. It's hard, a lot. Really hard. I don't think I can deal with it. Not really. But I guess I'll just see where this unreality leads me. I need to get back into magick. That always helped. If the world isn't real, at least I can can learn how to throw fireballs.
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
Lessons Learned
I am so sorry if I worried anybody with my last post. I really shouldn't post when I'm in the middle of a panic attack. It's never a good idea. I made it through though, as you may have guessed, so at least there's that.
I am all moved. Have been since April 19th. Finances are extra tight, but we're making do. Aldi is our best friend, and I've been using my UDF card thingie (like the Speedway ones) to help with gas costs. Ben's going to look into a seasonal job at the same place our friend Rob works, loading cars at a garden center. After that, he's agreed to try and find a different job. And great news, he's going to start paying on his student loans when we move in with Jeff in two months (cuz our costs will but cut down quite a bit with a third person paying). All kinds of great news.
I was out of all my psych meds for a week or so, and the damn Rite Aid STILL hasn't filled one of them (the one that helps with the hallucinations). Unfortunately, that's the one with really bad withdrawal effects. Ugh. So I've been sleeping and not doing much the last few days. I'm trying to get myself out of that funk, and it's working bit by bit. So yays!
I've been using MyFitnessPal again for the past week or so. I've lost a few pounds already (seven, to be exact, though I bet a lot of that was water weight). It's nice to see the numbers go down on the scale again. I'm also on the poor diet, too, so that's a lot of it. The poor diet, for those who don't know, is what you go on when you're poor and can't afford snack foods and sweets. For obsessive snackers like me, it works wonders. Though I do miss cake. And cookies. And brownies. And candy. And chocolate. And chips. And popcorn. You can see where this is going. Though we have been bad. On Friday, we bought a carton of Chocolate Moose Tracks at Meijer (did you know they no longer have the half gallon cartons anymore? They only have the tubs with 1.75 quarts, fuck!). We also bought a metric assload of discounted Easter candy awhile back, but most of that was eaten during our Thursday night Pathfinder game. So, saved calories. Gods, now I want cookies. Beets for breakfast is no way to live.
Been on an absolute horror movie binge as of late. I blame The Conjuring. I watched it, then decided to hit up Netflix and watch V/H/S. Then I decided sleep was for the weak and watched V/H/S 2 (which wasn't as good as the first, but was still quite good). Then, the next night, I watched Silent Hill Revelations. Also good. And now I wanna watch more, but Netflix's selection of good horror movies is very limited, and I don't want to watch ones I've already seen so my extensive collection is out. I'd have to dig through my boxes in the second bedroom to find them, anyway. Bloody hell. >_<
Oh, and the Dayton Metro library system needs to die in a fire. I can't get a card again until I pay off the $74 I owed them from 5 YEARS AGO! Fucking hell! I have never been to a library system that didn't forgive fines after a year or two. Never. Even Springfield forgave fines after awhile. The thing was, when Jim kicked me out, I had some DVDs and books from the library still checked out. I figured it'd be okay if I took them to Lakeview with me, because I'd be able to take them back in a few weeks. Those few weeks turned into a few months, and then I finally turned them all back in. All of them. So that $74 from five years ago is ALL FINES. I never thought I'd say this, but the library can fuck off. I don't need their damn card that bad. Fuck them. But Ben has a card, so if I need something (we've been getting DVDs), I have his. So fuck you, Dayton Metro! Suck it!
I have a whole mess load of exercise DVDs me and Ben need to try out. I obviously have a lot of weight to lose (about 150 pounds or so), and Ben's got a bit of a beer belly showing up, so we neeeeeeeed to exercise. Also, we need to get my back tire filled on my bike, and he needs to get his back tire completely fixed. Then we can start going for bike rides. The weather is being gorgeous for us, so we should take advantage of it. It's Ohio, after all. As the quote goes, if you don't like the weather in Ohio, just wait fifteen minutes.
Oh, and I found this website that lets you take free college courses. How awesome is that? It's coursera, and I'm taking an archeology class right now. They give you video lectures to watch and quizzes to take. It's so much fun! *is SUCH a nerd*
I should be doing dishes. Shh, don't tell on me.
I am all moved. Have been since April 19th. Finances are extra tight, but we're making do. Aldi is our best friend, and I've been using my UDF card thingie (like the Speedway ones) to help with gas costs. Ben's going to look into a seasonal job at the same place our friend Rob works, loading cars at a garden center. After that, he's agreed to try and find a different job. And great news, he's going to start paying on his student loans when we move in with Jeff in two months (cuz our costs will but cut down quite a bit with a third person paying). All kinds of great news.
I was out of all my psych meds for a week or so, and the damn Rite Aid STILL hasn't filled one of them (the one that helps with the hallucinations). Unfortunately, that's the one with really bad withdrawal effects. Ugh. So I've been sleeping and not doing much the last few days. I'm trying to get myself out of that funk, and it's working bit by bit. So yays!
I've been using MyFitnessPal again for the past week or so. I've lost a few pounds already (seven, to be exact, though I bet a lot of that was water weight). It's nice to see the numbers go down on the scale again. I'm also on the poor diet, too, so that's a lot of it. The poor diet, for those who don't know, is what you go on when you're poor and can't afford snack foods and sweets. For obsessive snackers like me, it works wonders. Though I do miss cake. And cookies. And brownies. And candy. And chocolate. And chips. And popcorn. You can see where this is going. Though we have been bad. On Friday, we bought a carton of Chocolate Moose Tracks at Meijer (did you know they no longer have the half gallon cartons anymore? They only have the tubs with 1.75 quarts, fuck!). We also bought a metric assload of discounted Easter candy awhile back, but most of that was eaten during our Thursday night Pathfinder game. So, saved calories. Gods, now I want cookies. Beets for breakfast is no way to live.
Been on an absolute horror movie binge as of late. I blame The Conjuring. I watched it, then decided to hit up Netflix and watch V/H/S. Then I decided sleep was for the weak and watched V/H/S 2 (which wasn't as good as the first, but was still quite good). Then, the next night, I watched Silent Hill Revelations. Also good. And now I wanna watch more, but Netflix's selection of good horror movies is very limited, and I don't want to watch ones I've already seen so my extensive collection is out. I'd have to dig through my boxes in the second bedroom to find them, anyway. Bloody hell. >_<
Oh, and the Dayton Metro library system needs to die in a fire. I can't get a card again until I pay off the $74 I owed them from 5 YEARS AGO! Fucking hell! I have never been to a library system that didn't forgive fines after a year or two. Never. Even Springfield forgave fines after awhile. The thing was, when Jim kicked me out, I had some DVDs and books from the library still checked out. I figured it'd be okay if I took them to Lakeview with me, because I'd be able to take them back in a few weeks. Those few weeks turned into a few months, and then I finally turned them all back in. All of them. So that $74 from five years ago is ALL FINES. I never thought I'd say this, but the library can fuck off. I don't need their damn card that bad. Fuck them. But Ben has a card, so if I need something (we've been getting DVDs), I have his. So fuck you, Dayton Metro! Suck it!
I have a whole mess load of exercise DVDs me and Ben need to try out. I obviously have a lot of weight to lose (about 150 pounds or so), and Ben's got a bit of a beer belly showing up, so we neeeeeeeed to exercise. Also, we need to get my back tire filled on my bike, and he needs to get his back tire completely fixed. Then we can start going for bike rides. The weather is being gorgeous for us, so we should take advantage of it. It's Ohio, after all. As the quote goes, if you don't like the weather in Ohio, just wait fifteen minutes.
Oh, and I found this website that lets you take free college courses. How awesome is that? It's coursera, and I'm taking an archeology class right now. They give you video lectures to watch and quizzes to take. It's so much fun! *is SUCH a nerd*
I should be doing dishes. Shh, don't tell on me.
Thursday, March 20, 2014
Why Can't Things Be Easy?
I had a panic attack. A horrible one. Crying, thrashing, suicideal thoughts. I think it was among the worst I've ever had, and if you've ever seen my wrist, you know how big of a statement that is. But I didn't cut this time, and I'm proud, but since the panic attack feelings are still there, I'm also kind of disappointed. Cutting helps calm down the suicide feels and the pain. But I have reasons not to cut. People I would hurt. Gods damn it...
The reason behind said panic attack is this whole apartment moving stuff. I'm afraid that we won't be able to afford a place if we don't live with Jeff. I only get $721 a month for my SSI, and Ben brings in even less for his job. Car insurance is going to cost a good hundred dollars or more. Plus groceries. Plus utilities. Plus internet. Plus rent. Plus gasoline for my car. Plus repairs for my car. Plus moving costs, which include a few hundred for the truck, and bribe money to get my friends to help. Plus any animal costs if we get a cat, which would help calm me down. Plus saving up for when we get a house? Holy fuck! There's no way we'll be able to afford that on so damn little. There's very little chance we can get Welfare, and even if we did, it wouldn't be much at all. Not enough to make a difference. See why I'm stressed? Do you SEE why I'm stressed? All this, running through my head twenty four seven, when I haven't seen my therapist in a few months cuz I keep getting sick, and I'm down two VERY important psych meds that I can't get more of until Monday, and you have an Amber that isn't sure if she should just check herself into the psych ward.
Maybe I should just go to the hospital. But that woulldn't do any good, because psych wards don't do a godsdamned thing for you except try drug cocktails until you're no longer suicidal. Art class and exercise doesn't help problems like mine!
I just don't know what to do. I keep thinking about knives and razor blades and I know I shouldn't. I won't. I know I won't. Doesn't mean I don't desperately want to.
And John's still fucking here, so I can't even talk to Mom about all this stuff. I had to drag her into my room and close the door to tell her I was extra stressed, and corner her in the laundry room this afternoon to tell her about my panic attack. I hope to the gods he leaves on Friday when he's supposed to. Everybody pray for him to get better so he can leave.
Everything's so damn messed up in my head right now. I want to just go to bed and sleep until this is all taken care of. Are we ever going to be able to afford kids? He doesn't want to leave his 15 hour a week job, doesn't want to go back to school very much (otherwise he'd work towards it). I obviously can't get a job right now, if I'm getting like this over something as little as being able to afford to live in an apartment. I just want to scream until my lungs bleed.
I want to curl up into a ball and cry. I cried quite a few times in bed last night during my panic attack, and on the phone with Ben today. It's like I never went to therapy at all, or was taking any psych drugs. This is what it was like before all that. I don't want to fuck things up with Ben like I do with everything else. I'm in love with him, and this might be the first time that it's the real love. I want to keep that. I want to grow old with him and have tons of kids and be happy. But I'm gonna fuck it up, I just know it. Gods, please help me?
I promise I won't cut.
The reason behind said panic attack is this whole apartment moving stuff. I'm afraid that we won't be able to afford a place if we don't live with Jeff. I only get $721 a month for my SSI, and Ben brings in even less for his job. Car insurance is going to cost a good hundred dollars or more. Plus groceries. Plus utilities. Plus internet. Plus rent. Plus gasoline for my car. Plus repairs for my car. Plus moving costs, which include a few hundred for the truck, and bribe money to get my friends to help. Plus any animal costs if we get a cat, which would help calm me down. Plus saving up for when we get a house? Holy fuck! There's no way we'll be able to afford that on so damn little. There's very little chance we can get Welfare, and even if we did, it wouldn't be much at all. Not enough to make a difference. See why I'm stressed? Do you SEE why I'm stressed? All this, running through my head twenty four seven, when I haven't seen my therapist in a few months cuz I keep getting sick, and I'm down two VERY important psych meds that I can't get more of until Monday, and you have an Amber that isn't sure if she should just check herself into the psych ward.
Maybe I should just go to the hospital. But that woulldn't do any good, because psych wards don't do a godsdamned thing for you except try drug cocktails until you're no longer suicidal. Art class and exercise doesn't help problems like mine!
I just don't know what to do. I keep thinking about knives and razor blades and I know I shouldn't. I won't. I know I won't. Doesn't mean I don't desperately want to.
And John's still fucking here, so I can't even talk to Mom about all this stuff. I had to drag her into my room and close the door to tell her I was extra stressed, and corner her in the laundry room this afternoon to tell her about my panic attack. I hope to the gods he leaves on Friday when he's supposed to. Everybody pray for him to get better so he can leave.
Everything's so damn messed up in my head right now. I want to just go to bed and sleep until this is all taken care of. Are we ever going to be able to afford kids? He doesn't want to leave his 15 hour a week job, doesn't want to go back to school very much (otherwise he'd work towards it). I obviously can't get a job right now, if I'm getting like this over something as little as being able to afford to live in an apartment. I just want to scream until my lungs bleed.
I want to curl up into a ball and cry. I cried quite a few times in bed last night during my panic attack, and on the phone with Ben today. It's like I never went to therapy at all, or was taking any psych drugs. This is what it was like before all that. I don't want to fuck things up with Ben like I do with everything else. I'm in love with him, and this might be the first time that it's the real love. I want to keep that. I want to grow old with him and have tons of kids and be happy. But I'm gonna fuck it up, I just know it. Gods, please help me?
I promise I won't cut.
Friday, March 14, 2014
Omgitchy!
I dunno why, but I have been so freakin' itchy lately. I think it's the winter dry skin thing. Must start using lotion. I have a bajillion bottles, so I might as well use them for something. Gyah!
This whole moving thing should be interesting. Between the two of us, in furnature, we have two beds, three bedside tables, two computer desks, a curio cabinet turned entertainment center, and a recliner. You may have noticed, if you are of the observant sort, that nowhere was there mentioned in that list a couch or a set of table and chairs. So vasically, once I move in with Ben, unless we move in with Jeff, we are going to have to scramble our asses around, trying to buy those two things quick and cheap. Always fun. We can do it, it's just gonna cost a few hundred bucks. Guess it'll be a wee bit longer til I get my engagement ring, then. Sad face.
Back to the itchy. Gyah! Itchy! Itchitchitchitch!
Need to start writing and packing. Those are the two things I'mma start focusing on once I go home tomorrow. With maybe a bit of reading added in. I pledged to read 75 books this year on GoodReads. Only have 13 so far. I needs to read. And I need to figure out how to get the new post screen to use spellcheck when I'm on my Nook, too. Damned typos.
For those curious, Ben is doing a bit better, health-wise. He's not as dead, and he's not as phlegmy. Yays!
Oh, and being broke/saving all my money sucks. On St. Patrick's day, B.D.'s has all-you-can-eat stirfry for only $10.99! Of course I don't have the money to get it. *weeps* Oh, but B.D.'s Mongolian Barbeque is so mega mega tasty. I love the fact that I can pile that bowl as high as I want, and they can't charge me extra. Nom. *drools* And now I want stirfry. Seeing Ben's plate there is kinda funny, though. He's not exactly a vagatable eater, so he's got this huge plate full of meat and noodles, and that's about it. It looks fairly funky, and not good funky. But I guess it tastes amazing to him, cuz he loves it. Waaaaaaaaaaaant stirfry!
GloryCon is coming up next month, though I'm not sure I'll be able to go. GloryCon, by the way, is the gaming convention put on by the Wright State Adventurer's Guild, that club I belong to that I spend $30 in gas so I can go to each week. Yeah, that club. Yeah, it's a damn fun con, but I don't think I can afford to be here then. Not fair!!!!!!! Though it's only a maybe, cuz I will be getting my birthday monies next month. On the 4th. The big 3-0. Not looking forward to that number.
This whole moving thing should be interesting. Between the two of us, in furnature, we have two beds, three bedside tables, two computer desks, a curio cabinet turned entertainment center, and a recliner. You may have noticed, if you are of the observant sort, that nowhere was there mentioned in that list a couch or a set of table and chairs. So vasically, once I move in with Ben, unless we move in with Jeff, we are going to have to scramble our asses around, trying to buy those two things quick and cheap. Always fun. We can do it, it's just gonna cost a few hundred bucks. Guess it'll be a wee bit longer til I get my engagement ring, then. Sad face.
Back to the itchy. Gyah! Itchy! Itchitchitchitch!
Need to start writing and packing. Those are the two things I'mma start focusing on once I go home tomorrow. With maybe a bit of reading added in. I pledged to read 75 books this year on GoodReads. Only have 13 so far. I needs to read. And I need to figure out how to get the new post screen to use spellcheck when I'm on my Nook, too. Damned typos.
For those curious, Ben is doing a bit better, health-wise. He's not as dead, and he's not as phlegmy. Yays!
Oh, and being broke/saving all my money sucks. On St. Patrick's day, B.D.'s has all-you-can-eat stirfry for only $10.99! Of course I don't have the money to get it. *weeps* Oh, but B.D.'s Mongolian Barbeque is so mega mega tasty. I love the fact that I can pile that bowl as high as I want, and they can't charge me extra. Nom. *drools* And now I want stirfry. Seeing Ben's plate there is kinda funny, though. He's not exactly a vagatable eater, so he's got this huge plate full of meat and noodles, and that's about it. It looks fairly funky, and not good funky. But I guess it tastes amazing to him, cuz he loves it. Waaaaaaaaaaaant stirfry!
GloryCon is coming up next month, though I'm not sure I'll be able to go. GloryCon, by the way, is the gaming convention put on by the Wright State Adventurer's Guild, that club I belong to that I spend $30 in gas so I can go to each week. Yeah, that club. Yeah, it's a damn fun con, but I don't think I can afford to be here then. Not fair!!!!!!! Though it's only a maybe, cuz I will be getting my birthday monies next month. On the 4th. The big 3-0. Not looking forward to that number.
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
Saving Money Sucks And Is Hard To Do
It looks like I'm going to be moving at the end of April no matter what. That's when Ben's roommate is moving. Though my friend Jeff, who I was going to move in with to a three bedroom townhouse a month ago, sounds like he still wants to get an apartment. This time, though, he wants to try a two bedroom. We didn't get the three bedroom because it was just too expensive. A two bedroom would be cheaper, especially with three people paying rent and utilities. That'd be nice. Me and Ben would have privacy during the week, and we'd have a friend to talk to and hang with on the weekends.
For those not on my Facebook friends list, Jeff is an over the road truck driver. The place he works at right now gets him home every weekend, but he has to stay in his truck during the week driving. So he'd be getting home Friday or early Saturday each week, and leaving Sunday or so. So basically, we'd only have a roommate some of the time. Good for privacy, if you know what I mean. *wink wink*
Having Ben and John here at the same time is weird. Though John seems to be acting nicer towards me in front of Ben, so I guess that's kinda win. Win-ish. Sort of. But yeah, the murder mystery thing yesterday was so much fun! I had zero idea who did it (I guessed on a theory that was very Fight Club-esque), but I knew that was going to happen. I have read every single one of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's Sherlock Holmes stories, and never once even came close to solving the mystery before Sherlock told Waston how it all happened. I did get out some good jokes, though, so I'm quite pleased.
I'm trying to write in this more, so that I write more period. I need to seriously start working on those articles again. If I stick with psychology articles, maybe I can sell a few more. And I'm a bit of an expert on psychology, from the patient's point of view at least. Seems to be a decent enough market, because a lot of people in that chair aren't knowledgable enough, or very good at writing articles. Yay being among the minority! Means monies for me, hopefully. I want to write one of insomnia, and one on Borderline.
Ben goes home tomorrow, but at least I go with him. Unfortunately, on Saturday, I go back home but he stays at his place. The end of April can't come soon enough. And for anybody in the Dayton, Ohio area, we either need a one or two bedroom on the bus line, with a washer/dryer hook-up and that allows pets. Suggestions are more than welcome. Oh, and it's gotta be in a safe neighborhood. The place I lived with Jim in, my car got broken into. Then there was that time that a car caught on fire in the parking lot. Oh, and the murder that happened one night. Safe neighborhood, please?
For those not on my Facebook friends list, Jeff is an over the road truck driver. The place he works at right now gets him home every weekend, but he has to stay in his truck during the week driving. So he'd be getting home Friday or early Saturday each week, and leaving Sunday or so. So basically, we'd only have a roommate some of the time. Good for privacy, if you know what I mean. *wink wink*
Having Ben and John here at the same time is weird. Though John seems to be acting nicer towards me in front of Ben, so I guess that's kinda win. Win-ish. Sort of. But yeah, the murder mystery thing yesterday was so much fun! I had zero idea who did it (I guessed on a theory that was very Fight Club-esque), but I knew that was going to happen. I have read every single one of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's Sherlock Holmes stories, and never once even came close to solving the mystery before Sherlock told Waston how it all happened. I did get out some good jokes, though, so I'm quite pleased.
I'm trying to write in this more, so that I write more period. I need to seriously start working on those articles again. If I stick with psychology articles, maybe I can sell a few more. And I'm a bit of an expert on psychology, from the patient's point of view at least. Seems to be a decent enough market, because a lot of people in that chair aren't knowledgable enough, or very good at writing articles. Yay being among the minority! Means monies for me, hopefully. I want to write one of insomnia, and one on Borderline.
Ben goes home tomorrow, but at least I go with him. Unfortunately, on Saturday, I go back home but he stays at his place. The end of April can't come soon enough. And for anybody in the Dayton, Ohio area, we either need a one or two bedroom on the bus line, with a washer/dryer hook-up and that allows pets. Suggestions are more than welcome. Oh, and it's gotta be in a safe neighborhood. The place I lived with Jim in, my car got broken into. Then there was that time that a car caught on fire in the parking lot. Oh, and the murder that happened one night. Safe neighborhood, please?
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
Unemployed
I'm terried to get a job, but I'm afraid that I'm going to have to get one soon. I can't stay on SSI my whole life. I'm sure they're just itching to kick me off it. Having panic attacks, severe anxiety issues, paranoia, and suicidal tendencies while at a job just doesn't seem like enough to keep me on. I don't know how I could survive a job. Literally.
I've had nothing but bad experiances at my jobs. I've had horrible and/or incompetent managers (Marti at Arby's once chewed me out in front of an old couple that were customers that they looked like they were about to cry, all because her boyfriend's nephew didn't make the food that was on the screen and lied to me about it), terrible coworkers (they were pretty much all racist stoners at Dairy Queen), I've been stuck doing jobs that were impossible for a new person (being literally the only employee in the entire garden center at Home Depot during busy hours), I've cleaned up some of the foulest smelling poop in existance that almost made me throw up (when I worked as home health care at RMS of Ohio). I've had horrific jobs. Nothing good about them. And of the last four, I had to admit myself to the psych ward from three of them. I can't handle jobs. Not and stay healthy, at least.
But if we want an apartment and marriage and children, we need enough money, and on minimum wage job's worth of money and my little SSI check each month ain't gonna cut it. Babies are expensive, and the older they get, the more expensive they get. I don't want my kids to grow up on Welfare. I'd rather not have kids at all than make them grow up on Welfare.
Even if I could take the stress of a job, I don't know what I could do. I'm not fast enough for food service, i can't stand for very long to do cash register at a store, my typing speed is only 38wpm, so office work is right out, and I mess up words waaaaaaay too much when I talk to do anything related to phone sales or customer service. I do bellieve that I am fucked.
Just what I need with over a week until I see my damn therapist. Bleah...
I've had nothing but bad experiances at my jobs. I've had horrible and/or incompetent managers (Marti at Arby's once chewed me out in front of an old couple that were customers that they looked like they were about to cry, all because her boyfriend's nephew didn't make the food that was on the screen and lied to me about it), terrible coworkers (they were pretty much all racist stoners at Dairy Queen), I've been stuck doing jobs that were impossible for a new person (being literally the only employee in the entire garden center at Home Depot during busy hours), I've cleaned up some of the foulest smelling poop in existance that almost made me throw up (when I worked as home health care at RMS of Ohio). I've had horrific jobs. Nothing good about them. And of the last four, I had to admit myself to the psych ward from three of them. I can't handle jobs. Not and stay healthy, at least.
But if we want an apartment and marriage and children, we need enough money, and on minimum wage job's worth of money and my little SSI check each month ain't gonna cut it. Babies are expensive, and the older they get, the more expensive they get. I don't want my kids to grow up on Welfare. I'd rather not have kids at all than make them grow up on Welfare.
Even if I could take the stress of a job, I don't know what I could do. I'm not fast enough for food service, i can't stand for very long to do cash register at a store, my typing speed is only 38wpm, so office work is right out, and I mess up words waaaaaaay too much when I talk to do anything related to phone sales or customer service. I do bellieve that I am fucked.
Just what I need with over a week until I see my damn therapist. Bleah...
Monday, March 10, 2014
Not His Day
I went and picked up Ben yesterday, because he's staying with me until Thursday. It's always nice to have him here. I just wish it wasn't while John was here. Or that John was here ever. >_< But John being here isn't the problem this time, amazingly enough. It's the fact that Ben has a stomach bug or something, which sucks for us both. I feel kinda inadequate because I don't know how to help him. I've offered Tums, ibuprofen, a bit of everything. Some of it has helped a bit, but he's still feeling bad. Gyah! I want, like, a magic wand or spell or something so that I can heal him. Or at least one that makes me feel more bad because he's sick and less bad because I can't help him. Bleah...
I almost forgot. The reason he's here instead of me being in Dayton is that we're going to Columbus tomorrow for a murder mystery party thingie at The Spaghetti Warehouse. It should be interesting. It'll be me and Ben, my parents, and my brother Toby. It's supposed to be really fun and pretty funny, too. I kinda hope they pick me to be one of the characters (the site says they pick audience members for the really small parts). I kinda wanna act real suspicious, so that people will think I did it. Bwahahaha! Cuz who's to say that I didn't. ^_^ But yeah, tasty food, fun times, great company not including John, it'll be great. Now I just need to get that wand and heal Ben.
I've started to wonder if maybe we could move to a town that isn't as close to Dayton as I would've liked, so that we could get something cheap. I wonder if any of my Dayton friends would visit me if I moved to Springfield? I know it's cheaper than most of the Dayton suburbs, and as long as we steer clear of the bad area of town (like Weldon Park), we should be okay. I'd get to see my half sister Barbie and my niece Kaelyn more often, and maybe I could reconnect with my childhood friends Rose and Joanna. I dunno. I just really want to be close to the biggest majority of my friends possible, and that would be Dayton. I think maybe we need to get off our butts and start looking up apartments for rent. I'm sure we can find something cheap in an area that's safe if we try hard enough.
I need to get off my butt for something else, too: writing. Now that I've sold that one article, I want to write loads more, but I haven't really been doing much of anything, let alone anything productive, in the past week or so. Saturday, I slept almost all day. I slept til late afternoon, woke up to eat, took a nap, woke up to eat again, took another nap, then woke up to take my meds, eat a little, and then back to bed for the night. Seriously, it was that bad. One of the only remotely productive things I've been doing is reading, but I haven't even been doing much of that lately. Bad Amber, no biscuit. I haven't even touched my novel in months, to make matters worse. Why must you curse me, muses? Did I piss you off or something? Let me write!!!!!!
Heh heh heh. I feel a bit sick myself, to tell you the truth. Mostly just sleepy and a little sniffly, though, so it's not too bad. The acid indigestion is what's killing me the worst. I've been out of Nexium for a week or so, which is baaaaaad. The fact that one a day isn't enough is woooooorse. Stupid stomach. I'm pretty sure it's stress ulcers, mostly from John. UGH! I want a new body, or a refund on this one. Can my next one be skinny and work right? Please?
I almost forgot. The reason he's here instead of me being in Dayton is that we're going to Columbus tomorrow for a murder mystery party thingie at The Spaghetti Warehouse. It should be interesting. It'll be me and Ben, my parents, and my brother Toby. It's supposed to be really fun and pretty funny, too. I kinda hope they pick me to be one of the characters (the site says they pick audience members for the really small parts). I kinda wanna act real suspicious, so that people will think I did it. Bwahahaha! Cuz who's to say that I didn't. ^_^ But yeah, tasty food, fun times, great company not including John, it'll be great. Now I just need to get that wand and heal Ben.
I've started to wonder if maybe we could move to a town that isn't as close to Dayton as I would've liked, so that we could get something cheap. I wonder if any of my Dayton friends would visit me if I moved to Springfield? I know it's cheaper than most of the Dayton suburbs, and as long as we steer clear of the bad area of town (like Weldon Park), we should be okay. I'd get to see my half sister Barbie and my niece Kaelyn more often, and maybe I could reconnect with my childhood friends Rose and Joanna. I dunno. I just really want to be close to the biggest majority of my friends possible, and that would be Dayton. I think maybe we need to get off our butts and start looking up apartments for rent. I'm sure we can find something cheap in an area that's safe if we try hard enough.
I need to get off my butt for something else, too: writing. Now that I've sold that one article, I want to write loads more, but I haven't really been doing much of anything, let alone anything productive, in the past week or so. Saturday, I slept almost all day. I slept til late afternoon, woke up to eat, took a nap, woke up to eat again, took another nap, then woke up to take my meds, eat a little, and then back to bed for the night. Seriously, it was that bad. One of the only remotely productive things I've been doing is reading, but I haven't even been doing much of that lately. Bad Amber, no biscuit. I haven't even touched my novel in months, to make matters worse. Why must you curse me, muses? Did I piss you off or something? Let me write!!!!!!
Heh heh heh. I feel a bit sick myself, to tell you the truth. Mostly just sleepy and a little sniffly, though, so it's not too bad. The acid indigestion is what's killing me the worst. I've been out of Nexium for a week or so, which is baaaaaad. The fact that one a day isn't enough is woooooorse. Stupid stomach. I'm pretty sure it's stress ulcers, mostly from John. UGH! I want a new body, or a refund on this one. Can my next one be skinny and work right? Please?
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Busy Little Bee
I think I'm just about content with my blog layout now. Which means in about five days, I'll hate every last inch of it and want to tear it down and start from scratch, but then two days after that, I'll regret having done it because I liked the way it was now. Let's hope that doesn't happen, because it sounds exhausting. But yeah, sticking with this version for awhile. It's nice and simple. Cool. And I do have a weird thing for pink lately. *shrugs*
This, by the way, is a call out for a blog roll. Any of my friends reading this who don't see their links over thataway *points to the right* that wants to be in it should tell me somehow. I want a nice big blog roll. I'd also really like to be on other people's blog rolls, too. *hinthint*
But mostly, yeah, I'm content. Still stressed as shit, but now I have Catharsis Land to play in. Wheeeeeee! Expect a lot of posts. And maybe some candy. Just gotta find some that'll fit through a UBB port. I shove and I shove, but it never wants to go in. *sad face*
GIVE ME LINKS!!!! OM NOM NOM!!!!!!!!!
Shutting up now.............. *hides*
This, by the way, is a call out for a blog roll. Any of my friends reading this who don't see their links over thataway *points to the right* that wants to be in it should tell me somehow. I want a nice big blog roll. I'd also really like to be on other people's blog rolls, too. *hinthint*
But mostly, yeah, I'm content. Still stressed as shit, but now I have Catharsis Land to play in. Wheeeeeee! Expect a lot of posts. And maybe some candy. Just gotta find some that'll fit through a UBB port. I shove and I shove, but it never wants to go in. *sad face*
GIVE ME LINKS!!!! OM NOM NOM!!!!!!!!!
Shutting up now.............. *hides*
Clean Room? *gasp*
Yup, I cleaned my room. Not just picked up some of the mess like I usually do, but actually cleaned it. I had this corner where I piled up all the new stuff that I bought and all the stuff that I didn't feel like putting away at the time. It was enormous. Took up a decent sized chunk of my bedroom floor space. Well, I put everything on my bed, and then put it away properly. I feel so damn proud. Heh heh heh...
But yeah, big time issues that I'm dealing with lately. I'm not sure if we can afford an apartment on just what I bring in each month, and his paychecks. I'm almost certain we won't be able to afford to have children. They've cut funding like mad crazy to all those programs that help people take care of their kids, so we can't count on any of that. I doubt we'd even be able to get a hold of government housing, because we make too much. Can't afford an apartment, but still way too fucking rich for welfare housing. At least, that's what I assume. When Jim kicked me out, I tried to get housing while I waited to get on Social Security, and was told since I had no kids and I wasn't homeless, that the waitlist was at the very least four years long, most likely more. Then there's the fact that government housing in Dayton sounds like it'd be in a very rough neighborhood. I don't want my car broken into again. And that was just on Wilmington Ave. Just imagine actual downtown. Eep.
So yeah, now I'm afraid I might have to get a job so that we can afford things like food and electric. I'm so afraid of having those panic attacks again. My wrist does not need any more scars. It looks bad enough as. I get stares. It sucks. But yeah, too much stress makes me all panic attack prone. I've been having mini ones lately, just from all the moving stress. I even freaked out because some random stranger was yelling at me about a game that has no importance whatsoever. I'm that fucked lately. >_< I need to see my therapist and my psychiatrist quick. I see the therapist on the 18th, thank the gods, and the psychiatrist on the 24th. Ahh, pretty new anti-anxiety meds. Soooooo niiiiice. Hopefully these work. I keep finding a good mix of meds, they work well for awhile, then I get worse and they run away screaming. Ugh. I got put on a drug for ADHD last time I was there. It helped a little with my concentration, but I couldn't get more than two or three hours of sleep (if I was lucky) every night that I took it. So, that went bye bye. But at least it made my concentration issues better. So that helps. Gods, I hope I can get something to help with this crippling anxiety.
I sold one of m articles that I wrote a few months back. I went though Constant Content and they sold it for $35. After the 35% cut that the site took out, I got $22.75. So, I have $22.75 in my PayPal account... *explodes with happy* OH MY GODS I SOLD MY WRITING!!!!!!!!!!! I can't believe anything that I wrote was good enough to pay $35 for. As the saying goes, I am my own harshest critic. I need to get my ass in gear and start writing again. Maybe I can luck out and get another article sold. *crosses fingers*
I think there needs to be a lot of talking done come Monday. I'm picking Ben up so that we can go to this murder mystery thing with my family on Tuesday in Columbus, and he's staying until we both go back on Thursday. I think me and him will be talking about the future a LOT. Gotta get this stuff figured out soon. Hopefully, that'll help some of my stress. It can't hurt, at least.
I just... I dunno anymore. I hope things start picking up. I hate feeling so down when I have such an amazingly awesome fiancee. *sighs*
But yeah, big time issues that I'm dealing with lately. I'm not sure if we can afford an apartment on just what I bring in each month, and his paychecks. I'm almost certain we won't be able to afford to have children. They've cut funding like mad crazy to all those programs that help people take care of their kids, so we can't count on any of that. I doubt we'd even be able to get a hold of government housing, because we make too much. Can't afford an apartment, but still way too fucking rich for welfare housing. At least, that's what I assume. When Jim kicked me out, I tried to get housing while I waited to get on Social Security, and was told since I had no kids and I wasn't homeless, that the waitlist was at the very least four years long, most likely more. Then there's the fact that government housing in Dayton sounds like it'd be in a very rough neighborhood. I don't want my car broken into again. And that was just on Wilmington Ave. Just imagine actual downtown. Eep.
So yeah, now I'm afraid I might have to get a job so that we can afford things like food and electric. I'm so afraid of having those panic attacks again. My wrist does not need any more scars. It looks bad enough as. I get stares. It sucks. But yeah, too much stress makes me all panic attack prone. I've been having mini ones lately, just from all the moving stress. I even freaked out because some random stranger was yelling at me about a game that has no importance whatsoever. I'm that fucked lately. >_< I need to see my therapist and my psychiatrist quick. I see the therapist on the 18th, thank the gods, and the psychiatrist on the 24th. Ahh, pretty new anti-anxiety meds. Soooooo niiiiice. Hopefully these work. I keep finding a good mix of meds, they work well for awhile, then I get worse and they run away screaming. Ugh. I got put on a drug for ADHD last time I was there. It helped a little with my concentration, but I couldn't get more than two or three hours of sleep (if I was lucky) every night that I took it. So, that went bye bye. But at least it made my concentration issues better. So that helps. Gods, I hope I can get something to help with this crippling anxiety.
I sold one of m articles that I wrote a few months back. I went though Constant Content and they sold it for $35. After the 35% cut that the site took out, I got $22.75. So, I have $22.75 in my PayPal account... *explodes with happy* OH MY GODS I SOLD MY WRITING!!!!!!!!!!! I can't believe anything that I wrote was good enough to pay $35 for. As the saying goes, I am my own harshest critic. I need to get my ass in gear and start writing again. Maybe I can luck out and get another article sold. *crosses fingers*
I think there needs to be a lot of talking done come Monday. I'm picking Ben up so that we can go to this murder mystery thing with my family on Tuesday in Columbus, and he's staying until we both go back on Thursday. I think me and him will be talking about the future a LOT. Gotta get this stuff figured out soon. Hopefully, that'll help some of my stress. It can't hurt, at least.
I just... I dunno anymore. I hope things start picking up. I hate feeling so down when I have such an amazingly awesome fiancee. *sighs*
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
Really Thin Skin
I take everything way too personally. Especially when I'm already depressed. My skin becomes so thin it's almost invisible when I don't feel good. And right now it's to the point where I stressed myself out to the point of physically unhealthy just because some random douche bag in the global chat on this game I play called Clash of Clans was yelling at me for not wanting douche bag players in my clan. Yeah, I need to see my therapist extra hard now.
Everything just seems to be be getting to me more than usual. I'm terrified that I won't be able to afford to move in with Ben in July. And that's not even bringing the cost of kids into it after we're married. I just want a nice life, where I can afford luxuries like food and toilet paper and toothpaste, you know? I dunno. I can't get a job because of my metric fuckload of mental illnesses (cuz we all know that panic attacks and hospitalizations are fun). Because of that Obamacare bullshit, no job will give Ben more than twenty five or so hours in a week. He doesn't want to go back to school yet, but I think that might be the only way we can afford more than -2 children. Money problems suck, basically.
Sometimes I just want to cry and scream and have a temper tantrum until everything gets fixed for me. If only life were that easy. I just have to keep soldiering on and whatnot. Maybe I need to start looking into stress reduction techniques online. Try out some meditation or yoga or something. I dunno. I do know, though, that I do NOT want to feel like this any more. So defeated, so scared, so hopeless. I know things are going to turn out okay, but until then I get to live through hell on earth. Save me, somebody?
Everything just seems to be be getting to me more than usual. I'm terrified that I won't be able to afford to move in with Ben in July. And that's not even bringing the cost of kids into it after we're married. I just want a nice life, where I can afford luxuries like food and toilet paper and toothpaste, you know? I dunno. I can't get a job because of my metric fuckload of mental illnesses (cuz we all know that panic attacks and hospitalizations are fun). Because of that Obamacare bullshit, no job will give Ben more than twenty five or so hours in a week. He doesn't want to go back to school yet, but I think that might be the only way we can afford more than -2 children. Money problems suck, basically.
Sometimes I just want to cry and scream and have a temper tantrum until everything gets fixed for me. If only life were that easy. I just have to keep soldiering on and whatnot. Maybe I need to start looking into stress reduction techniques online. Try out some meditation or yoga or something. I dunno. I do know, though, that I do NOT want to feel like this any more. So defeated, so scared, so hopeless. I know things are going to turn out okay, but until then I get to live through hell on earth. Save me, somebody?
First!
As you may have figured out, I have decided to start blogging again. Not gonna sink any money into it this time, though. Need the catharsis and the writing practice. Fun, no? But yeah, with everything going extra stressy lately, I want to try putting all my thoughts down on not-paper. Everything with the wedding stuff, and the moving stuff, and the not-having-seen-my-therapist-or-psychiatrist-in-months stuff, I'm fried. Extra crispy fried. But yeah, I'm gonna start posting in here again. You were warned. Wheeeeeeeee!
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