Sometimes I read books, and the story, or the characters, something about it feels so damn heavy. When I read One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest, I swear, it felt like I lost 500 pounds when I finally finished. This one I'm reading right now, The Imposter Bride by Nancy Richler, it feels like a lesser version of that, like it's only an extra 75 pounds or so, but I'm not completely sure why. It doesn't seem like it should be that heavy, you know? I think maybe I will just never understand my own mind.
I feel so damn tired lately. Tired and sick, even though I know I'm not actually sick. I think I haven't been getting much sleep lately, or at least not much restful sleep. If I go to bed before 4am, I can't fall asleep. If I take a sleeping pill before 4am, I get maybe an hour of sleep before I wake up and can't get back to sleep. If I go to bed after 4am, it takes me forever to fall asleep, and when I finally do, the fucking sun comes up and getting restful sleep becomes impossible. Maybe I don't do enough during the day? Don't move around enough? But the thing is, it's a never ending cycle, if that's the case. I don't do enough during the day because I don't have the energy because I didn't get enough sleep because I didn't do enough during the day because I didn't get enough sleep because...
I think I've started losing weight, because my clothes are fitting better, and people keep telling me I look like I've lost weight, but I just can't be happy about it because the scale keeps telling me I'm not losing. Hell, when I weighed myself earlier, it said I gained a pound. I want to lose weight, but I just don't have the energy to get up and exercise. I can't even go walking because Ohio decided that nice weather is a luxury we don't deserve any more. I'm sure it'll stop being Winter 2.0 soon, but for now, it's cold as balls outside. And that means no exercise involving going outside whatsoever (unless I feel like dealing with 3 months of sinus infections again). *sighs*
In art therapy, I'm painting a bird house. It looks okay so far, but since I'm the one doing it, I can't help but think it looks like shit that nobody in their right mind would ever think of buying. Everything I create, I think is the most awful thing that has ever existed. I even hate my writing because I think it's terrible (even the stuff I like). Actually, no, I just think that everybody else will think it's terrible, and that's what makes me hate it so much. I can't believe that I can actually make something that an unbiased person would actually like or enjoy. I literally can't believe it. Why yes, my self-esteem is really that low.
This post was a bit of a test, to see if doing stream of consciousness writing helps me feel any better. I think this test was actually kind of successful. Might hafta start doing these more often.
