So, it would seem that I've finally grown enough of a spine to start getting rid of those "friends" in my life that do nothing but use and abuse me and my good nature. First, I got rid of Jeff for stalking me and using the apartment as a way to control my every little action. Now I just got rid of Karyn, who's been my friend for about 15 years, and has most likely been using me for that long. For the last few years (think four or five), she's pretty much all but ignored me unless she needed something, like when she got dumped by her last boyfriend, who was an abusive drug user, and if I remember correctly, a dealer as well. She had to leave Detroit to go back to her hometown in Pennsylvania, and she stopped by my parents' house to stay the night. Before and after that, we talked almost not at all. Until her most recent phase of holier-than-thou. A few weeks ago, I made the mistake of posting on Facebook during a panic attack, talking about how bad I felt at the moment. She made sure to start an argument about how I shouldn't have kids until I was 100% perfect better sane or whatever. What pissed me off the most about this is that I have ALWAYS been more stable than her. I was the one who always talked her out of committing suicide when I was in college. I was always the one who tried to make her feel better after another failed-from-the-start relationship. I was the one who tried to nicely convince her to stop with the drugs already. But she seems to enjoy forgetting everything good I've ever done for her when there's a chance to make herself look like she knows everything on the planet. She said I had to be completely better to have kids. NO ONE gets 100% better. Ever. Especially her. But nooooooo, gods forbid she actually think things like a normal human person would think.
I'm just so fucking pissed right now. Now that I'm not in denial about her being my best friend forever, I'm remembering all the horrible shit she's done to me over the years. There was this one time where she let me have a website off of hers. I built it up and did everything I could to make it good for the people paying me to post about their products. I worked my ass off on it, and it was paying off to the tune of about $100 or so a month, straight to my PayPal account. Now, this was years ago, when that was my ONLY source of revenue. I had no job, and got no money anywhere else. This is important, because she was also hosting a forum website that we both belonged to. She was very... touchy about anything that didn't go completely her way, and always over reacted on everything. I can't even remember what it was, but someone on the board pissed her off, and she threw a temper tantrum and deleted everything connected to her website. She kept saying that it was an accident, but everyone knew she was lying through her teeth, myself included. But I defended her, because I thought she was my friend. I seem to recall being the only one who defended her. Even though her temper tantrum made me lose my only source of income. Months and months of hard work, all ruined because she threw a hissy fit. But did I stop being her friend? No, because I'm a pathetic person who does everything she can to keep a friend, no matter how badly they treat her. Thus, even more years of being used. But I'm done. I deleted her off of everything, and at this point, I doubt she'll even notice me missing from her friends list. It's so full of her sycophants that she'd never notice one of the few people who stayed by no matter what gone. But good riddance. I didn't think I could last another second holding in the fact that her baby makes Ethiopian kids look fat, and that she needs to fucking feed him. Yeah, I shouldn't have kids because I occasionally have panic attacks, and was on meds at the time she started the argument, but she can neglect her kid all she wants. Seriously, you probably shouldn't have kids if you had gastric bypass surgery. That teeny little stomach is made to mostly starve you to death without actually killing you. It is nowhere near big enough to support a growing fetus if it's too small to completely support you. I hope somebody else (not one of her fawning minions) realizes that she can't support this child with her own body and gives him some damn formula. Every time she posted a picture, I wanted to cry. He has no meat on him at all, and he's barely been growing. It's terrible. I really hope she doesn't kill him out of her stupidity.
But yeah, I keep getting pissed off at things, and maybe that's a good thing. I've been letting people use me for way too long. I have a really bad problem with low self-esteem, always have. I blame Mandy for starting that rumor in third grade that literally ruined my life, but that will need its own post (or probably posts, it's a very long, very depressing story). I'm always so afraid of being alone, and all my friends leaving me. I'm not worth staying around. I do and say stupid shit all the time, and eventually, everyone will figure out that they actually hate me and leave. It's actually happened before, a lot, so now I always think that's how everybody feels. I'm not quite right in the head, you know. I'm afraid my friends will ditch me, and Ben will dump, and I'll have nothing left. So I always let my friends get away with murder and then some, just so they won't leave. I become the doormat to avoid the risk of losing anyone. That's a horrible way to live, and I'm trying to stop, but it's hard. I'm getting better, though, so that's pretty good.
When I'm on my meds, I feel like a zombie. I don't feel depressed (usually), but I don't feel much of anything else, either. I need to get things figured out. I need to go into Welfare the next day that Ben doesn't work (cuz he needs to be there if we're going to apply for food stamps) and get a list of doctors and therapists I can see. It's been a few months since I last talked to a therapist, and boy do I need it. I need to talk about Jeff and Karyn and all this other shit with someone who can help me figure why I can't let go of the stress. also, it'd be nice to see a medical doctor. The nurse practitioner and the retard who replaced her when she went on maternity leave were completely worthless. I'd like to get something for these constant headaches, and maybe get a not-retarded answer as to why I get violently ill when I get too overheated. It'd be nice to not spend the entire summer in the bathroom vomiting and shitting liquid. Sorry for the TMI, but nobody ever really gets the severity of the issue if I just say I get sick. Oh, and I should apologize for using the term "retarded". Calling those two retarded is an insult to all retarded people, they were that fucking stupid. Oh my fucking gods.
In slightly more peppy news, the kitties are doing great. I keep trying to get a good picture of them to post here and on Facebook, but they all come out blurry. I think my camera's starting to get too old (I got it for Christmas when I was still with Jim about five or six years ago). I can try posting the blurry ones, if people actually want to see them. Maybe I could just hook my webcam back up and take pictures that way? *shrugs*
Been reading webcomics absolutely obsessively as of late. I've gone through the archives of soooooooooooo many. I started Something Positive a few days ago when I finished Punch An' Pie, and I forgot how much I love that webcomic. I've been laughing my ass off, to the point of Ben giving me very confused looks. I should probably do something more productive than reading webcomics, such as cleaning, but anybody who's known me for very long knows how I am when I go into addictive mode. I figure I'll get bored with them sooner or later and move on, so might as well enjoy this while it lasts. Whee!
I need to start writing again. I have all this free time, but I never use it on anything important. I finally know how I want to end "The Gamer Gods Are Smiling", and all I need to do is write it down, but I'm just too lazy as of late. And don't even get me started on my novel. Ugh! I have my muse, now all I need is my motivation. Yeah, I don't think that really exists any more, so I guess I'm screwed. >_<
I'm taking a break from gaming. Our Thursday night game became Endless Argument Night, and the stress was killing me. I stopped giving any shit about that game whatsoever about a month or so before it ended. All Rich did was bitch, and Rob just couldn't seem to wrap his head around the fact that he can't cheat the rules all the time, and Kieran was Kieran, no explanation needed there. It stopped being fun, and instead became the ultimate headache. The Friday night game was pretty cool, but mostly cuz I used it as a way to hang out with my friends instead of actually paying much attention to the game. There was still a ton of bitching, but at least I could ignore it easier by joking around with the ones not arguing. I haven't been able to think very well for the last few months, and that makes role playing really hard. I dunno.
Speaking of a mental fog, I'm starting to wonder if I have fibromyalgia. I was looking up the list of symptoms, and it would make sense. I'm tired all the time, and my brain is always in a fog, and my everything hurts pretty much all the time, and I've had this exact same endless headache for a few years now. It's hereditary, too, so the fact that my mom has it makes it more likely. Also, the fact that I have restless leg syndrome and possibly sleep apnea (you do not give an Ambien to a chick who says she only occasionally takes OTC sleeping pills if you're trying to test her for sleep apnea... idiots). I'mma hit up the library soon, get me a book on fibromyalgia, see if I can figure this all out. It would make a lot of stuff make more sense, though. And now that I'm thinking about it, I think my grandma either had the diagnosis of it, or had it sans diagnosis. I'll hafta ask my mom the next time I talk to her. It'd be nice to not have to be taking ibuprofen constantly for a headache that the ibuprofen does almost nothing for. Also, it would mean that I didn't actually have something wrong with my back. If I did have it, and they gave me the right pills, maybe I'd stop waking up with my back screaming and not being to move from the pain for the first minute or so. Oh, that'd be wonderful.
Really need to start exercising. We have all these DVDs we could use, and wonderful places around town to go for walks. The bikes are out until we can replace his back tire, but we can still do all the other stuff. It's not all my fault, though. He's being lazy, too. Bad Ben, no biscuit. ^_^ We severely need to go for a walk when he gets off of work today. Maybe to the library, so as to kill two birds with one stone. And maybe they'll be nice, fat birds that we can cook up and have for dinner. We are a bit short on groceries and money to buy groceries with. I wonder what pigeon tastes like? Heh heh heh...
