I'm terried to get a job, but I'm afraid that I'm going to have to get one soon. I can't stay on SSI my whole life. I'm sure they're just itching to kick me off it. Having panic attacks, severe anxiety issues, paranoia, and suicidal tendencies while at a job just doesn't seem like enough to keep me on. I don't know how I could survive a job. Literally.
I've had nothing but bad experiances at my jobs. I've had horrible and/or incompetent managers (Marti at Arby's once chewed me out in front of an old couple that were customers that they looked like they were about to cry, all because her boyfriend's nephew didn't make the food that was on the screen and lied to me about it), terrible coworkers (they were pretty much all racist stoners at Dairy Queen), I've been stuck doing jobs that were impossible for a new person (being literally the only employee in the entire garden center at Home Depot during busy hours), I've cleaned up some of the foulest smelling poop in existance that almost made me throw up (when I worked as home health care at RMS of Ohio). I've had horrific jobs. Nothing good about them. And of the last four, I had to admit myself to the psych ward from three of them. I can't handle jobs. Not and stay healthy, at least.
But if we want an apartment and marriage and children, we need enough money, and on minimum wage job's worth of money and my little SSI check each month ain't gonna cut it. Babies are expensive, and the older they get, the more expensive they get. I don't want my kids to grow up on Welfare. I'd rather not have kids at all than make them grow up on Welfare.
Even if I could take the stress of a job, I don't know what I could do. I'm not fast enough for food service, i can't stand for very long to do cash register at a store, my typing speed is only 38wpm, so office work is right out, and I mess up words waaaaaaay too much when I talk to do anything related to phone sales or customer service. I do bellieve that I am fucked.
Just what I need with over a week until I see my damn therapist. Bleah...
2 comments:
Unfortunately in the current economic state, decent-paying jobs are a bit under the rock so when you get one, it becomes a constant battle of holding onto the job and that can be extremely stressful.
Could you do a practical job, like.. cleaning for example? It doesn't pay amazingly well, but it's fairly solitary work & would bring in a steady paycheck that should be bigger than social security payments at least.
You do have to consider if it's wise to go get a job if you're not mentally ready for it, though. It might backfire so you have to be sure that that you're prepared for it. I'm not sure how it is over there, but here they offer courses and training positions to people who are being mentally rehabilitated into society -- could you possibly ask about such trainee positions?
If nothing else, volunteer at a shelter or something if you really wish to work right now.. something you can drop out of without affecting your SSI if it really feels like you just can't do it yet. It's free labor but it gives you job experience that can then assist in getting you a decent-paying job later in life.
Take your time with your brain. Don't force it into anything you're not ready for. You still have loads of baby-making years ahead, and you need a healthy head on your shoulders for that process as well.
Heal properly, rehabilitate yourself and THEN think of such things. There's no rush. <3
If forced, I'm going to try for a 3rd shift stock person position. I can shelve stuff, and I like getting orders on exactly what to do. I love checklists. Hard to forget something if it's on the checklist.
As for the mental health, I think I need different meds, and to see my therapist. It's been a few months. Not fun. But I'm pretty sure I need something for all this stupid anxiety.
And the kid thing is because the big three oh is coming up in a few weeks, and it has me scared shitless. I don't want to be chasing after todlers in my mid-fourties. Gyarg.
After I move, I'm gonna try finding a place to volunteer. Gas is too expensive to get one around here (I'd have to drive about twenty miles to get to the nearest animal shelter, for example).
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