2014: The Year In Review (Survey Thingie)

2014: The Year in Review 

(ganked from Nonna) 

1: What did you do in 2014 that you’d never done before?Started trying to get pregnant. Adopted my own kitties (they were always family pets until now). Turned 30.

2: Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I refuse to make those things, because they are inevitably doomed to fail. But, in a non-resolution sort of way, I'd like to start exercising again (I was doing great there for awhile, then... stopped), and I want to start working on my writing again. I also need to start cleaning a lot more.
3: Did anyone close to you give birth?
My friend Britanni did, a cute little girl. I also had a few internet friends give birth, too.
4: Did anyone close to you die?
My step-dad's mom died. We weren't very close, though.
5: What countries did you visit?
Not a god damned one of them. Someday, I'll visit somewhere awesome, but that costs money, so until then, it's Travel Channel for me (as soon as we get cable, at least).
6: What would you like to have in 2015 that you lacked in 2014?
Confidence. A baby. The knowledge of who's actually my friend, and who's just using me.
7: What dates from 2014 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
February 2nd, because that was when Ben proposed. April 19th, because that was when I moved in with Ben. October 1st, because that was when the DietBet started, and I actually started working out and dieting for serious.
8: What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Getting down to 256 pounds (even if that didn't last for long).
9: What was your biggest failure?
Not being able to deal with all the stress from the last few months, and screaming in the car on a fairly regular basis. That, and the full mental breakdown I had a few months back (it was literally my worst one ever, including the time I tried to commit suicide when I was 15).
10: Did you suffer illness or injury?
My back problems started. Still dunno what's wrong, because my doctor doesn't actually do any doctoring (I'm fairly certain that her doctorate is probably in something like philosophy or art history, and not actually medicine).
11: What was the best thing you bought?
Gotta go with my new Samsung Galaxy Tab 4 Nook (even though technically Ben bought it because he broke the screen on my Nook HD by dropping it out of his lap on the blacktop in the Dollar General parking lot when he got out of the car).
12: Whose behavior merited celebration?
Ben, for putting up with all my bullshit. Grant, for always helping us out so much. Felix, for being a wonderful wifey. He even gave me a pretty camera. ^_^
13: Whose behavior made you appalled?
Karyn, Jennifer, Doug, Kieran, Rob, Zach, the fuckfaces that run my doctor's office, a large quantity of the politicians out there, Westboro Baptist Chruch (but then again, they were the only ones not appalled by their behavior).
14: Where did most of your money go?
Before moving in April, it went towards gas to get to and from Dayton every week, and towards stupid shit like clothes and DVDs and fast food and such. After moving, it went towards rent, bills, car maintenance, food, toilet paper, laundry, cat food and litter, and all the other "I don't live with my parents anymore" stuff.
15: What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Being engaged. Moving. Getting kitties.
16: What song will always remind you of 2014?
Sorted This Way by Not Literally.
17: Compared to this time last year, are you: (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner or fatter? (c) richer or poorer?
a) a bit happier
b) about a dozen or so pounds thinner
c) definitely poorer, because I don't have much disposable income now, when this time last year almost all my money was disposable
18: What do you wish you’d done more of?
Exercise. Hung out with my real friends. Write.
19: What do you wish you’d done less of?
Spent time with "friends" that were only using me. Ate junk food. Doubted myself. Procrastinate.
20: How did you spend Christmas?
On the 23rd, we went to my parents' house and ate dinner and exchanged gifts with my parents and my brother. On actual Christmas, we slept in and watched Freakazoid until Ben got a call reminding him he was supposed to work that day (he'd forgotten).
21: Did you fall in love in 2014?
Definitely. I fell hard and fast for both Pocky and Wasabi, as soon as we got them home (though I started falling as soon as we picked them out). I fell deeper with Ben damn near every day.
22: What was your favorite TV program?
So hard to choose. I'm thinking Archer. The runners up were, in no particular order: My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic, Bob's Burgers, Supernatural, Sherlock, Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations, Cutthroat Kitchen, Dancing With The Stars, The Curse Of Oak Island, Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D., Superjail, and Abandoned America.
23: Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Yeah, lots. And they pretty much all deserved it by consistently treating me like shit.
24: What was the best book you read?
John Dies At The End by David Wong, definitely.
25: What was your greatest musical discovery?
Not what the question was trying for, but when I discovered how to save songs from YouTube. For bands/singers, it was Kongos, Rogue Traders, Emilie Autumn, Kana Nishino, Kyary Pamyu Pamyu, Ke$ha, Deadmau5, and OneRepublic.
26: What did you want and get?
A new Nook. To move out of my parents house and to Dayton. Kitties. Another tattoo.
27: What did you want and not get?
A positive pregnancy test result. A competent doctor. To keep the people I thought were friends. To lose more weight than I did. To win the DietBet. Another piercing.
28: What was your favorite film of this year?
Guardians Of The Galaxy.
29: What one thing made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Ben and the kitties.
30: How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2014?
Is it clean? Eh, close enough.
31: What kept you sane?
Ben and the kitties. Books. Friends (the real ones, not the shitty ones that caused the stress in the first place).
32: Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Benedict Cumberbatch. Yuuuuuuuum!
33: What political issue stirred you the most?
Gay marriage, and how people are too fucking stupid to realize that just because your religion can be kinda, slightly, maybe if you look at it in just the right way, and your heart is full enough of hatred and bigotry, against gay rights, that doesn't mean that the United States government, which is NOT CHRISTIAN-EXCLUSIVE, should take away their basic human rights just to please you.
34: Who did you miss?
My mom. I know that she's only an hour and a half drive away, and that I can call her any time I want (and that sometimes, she actually picks up), but I still miss seeing her every day, and just walking out to the front room every time I want to talk to her about something. I also miss Bindi, because now whenever I go to Lakeview, she treats me like a stranger. And I miss Robin Williams and Joan Rivers. They were both so damn funny. And I miss Zach, the Zach that was my friend, not the one that treats people like shit all the time and doesn't feel bad about it, or even notices how miserable he makes everybody.
35: Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2014.
Most people are ass holes. They care more about the dirt in their carpet than they do about you. Especially if they're in a car, because they're entitled to everything ever, no matter how many laws they're breaking to get it. A lot of those people will pretend to be your friend because that makes it easier to use you. They will treat you like shit, because they're not you, and only they matter. All these people are horrible, but it's not your fault. If they almost crash into your car because they ran a stop sign, it's not your fault. If they don't know how the fuck to do their job or just completely refuse to do it in the first place, it's not your fault. If they are a waste of human space that should just fucking die already, it's not your fault. It's ALL THEIRS. So never beat yourself up because somebody else is a human without any humanity in them. It is NEVER your fault when other people are awful. Never.
36: Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
All the people on the street, I hate you all
And the people that I meet, I hate you all
And the people that I know, I hate you all
And the people that I don't, I hate you all
And the people in the east, I hate you all
And the people I hate least, I hate you all
And the people in the west, I hate you all
And the people I like best, I hate you all
Oh, I hate you all

-I Hate Everyone by Get Set Go

Neglectful, Ain't I?

I haven't posted in here for over a month. Oops... Let's fix that, then.

I have been posting in my weight loss blog, though, so does that count? For those not in the know, I started another Blogspot blog that'll just be for my weight loss 'journey'. I'm going to post in it about exercising and dieting, and all that boring stuff I'm sure you guys don't want to hear about. Oh wait, you do? Then head on over to Less Of VampAmber and enjoy. < /end cheesy advertisement> But yeah, I'm kinda hoping that blogging about it in its own little place will help me keep up with it for once. Especially since I joined DietBet and have to lose 4% of my weight by the end of October 28th... The quick run down on DietBet, for those unaware (like I was until Whitney told me about it a few days ago) is that you 'bet' money that you can lose 4% of your body weight in four weeks, and that money goes into the pot for the 'game' you joined. Everybody who doesn't lose enough weight loses their bet, and everybody who does lose enough gets to split the money in the pot. Pretty sweet deal, right? The bad part is, when I did the official weigh in, I was at 274.2. Unfortunately, after visiting my parents yesterday (my mommy made me hillbilly spaghetti, I couldn't say no), and hitting up McDonald's for breakfast today (large mocha Frappe, a hashbrown, and two sausage McMuffins), I kinda gained a pound and a half... Oops. So now, I have 27 days to lose 12.5 pounds. I was terrified about how hard that would be until I did my first Blogilates workout a few hours ago. Now I'm mega-pumped. This is gonna be fun.

Haven't really been doing too much of anything else lately. It would seem that I've finally hit that point in my life where I've become rather boring, but I enjoy the things that make me boring, so I'm not sure if I want to stop it or not. I've been reading a lot. Right now, I'm working my way through a friend's first draft of a novel she wants to publish. It's really good, but sometimes I miss getting to post my reading updates on GoodReads, so I cheat and read one of the published books that I'm in the middle of, instead. Of which I am in the middle of quite a few. I have this incredibly bad habit of being more in love with starting a new book than I am with sticking by a book until I'm finished. Bad Amber, bad. Can't help it, though, because I finally put all my books and movies on shelves in the front room, instead of packed away in boxes in the spare bedroom. They all look at me with wide, book-spine eyes, saying "Amber, won't you read me? I might be really interesting." Gyah!

The kitties have reached the point where they're terrors during pretty much all their waking hours. I want a dollar for every time me or Ben has had to yell at them or use the spray bottle because they were on the counters or the table, even though I know damn well that they're smart enough to know that they're not allowed up there. I'd be buying all my near-by loved ones a nice, fancy, expensive sushi dinner right about now. Or at least I'd be able to. I'd probably just use the money for boring shit like fixing the car, or paying off bills.

Speaking of the car, not only do I still have that lovely screeching noise from the serpentine belt being loose, but now my brake pads decided to be total cunts and need to be replaced. That noise should not come from anything that is not currently inside a horror movie. Gonna take a few hundred bucks to get them replaced, and that's only if we can get my step-brother to do the work for us for somewhat cheap. And that's not even counting how I need to get the casing around my driver's side back turn signal light replaced because it no longer works all the time. Yeah, you can definitely tell my car is going to be 13 years old next year. >_<

And now, for my biggest complaint for the moment: I have gotten two referrals from my doctor's office so far (one for a therapist, and the other to get me into physical therapy), and I have had to cancel both of the appointments in the middle of setting them up because they didn't take my insurance. So now, I have to find out who they can refer me to and tell them. Because apparently at this doctor's office, you do all the work while the receptionist sits on her fucking ass forgetting to tell anybody that you're there to get your blood drawn, yet she's the one who gets the god damned paycheck. I seriously sat out in the waiting room for over an hour and a half a few weeks ago, because she must've forgot to tell anybody that I was there to get my blood drawn. You wanna know how I know this? Because when one of the nurses saw me waiting, she asked if I had been back yet, and when I told her that I hadn't, she had me back there in a room in about two minutes. FUCKING INCOMPETENT RECEPTIONIST! But yeah, now I'm going to have to take the directory that Molina sent me (all I had to do was call and ask, but that's apparently not in her fuckng job description, the dumb ass) so that they can send me to somebody that I won't have to pay hundreds of dollars to on each visit. Because, you know, if you're poor enough to be on Medicaid, you can obviously afford $100 per session at a therapist's office. Being on Medicaid sucks that way, because the only places that take it are the places that aren't all that great to begin with. But at least I can have medical insurance this way...

Because of my car bullshit, we're not going to be able to go to the Renaissance Faire this year, which is severely depressing. It's been a few years since I've went, and Ben's never went before, so this was gonna be so awesome. But it's too damn expensive so we can't afford it this year. Fuck everything.

That's pretty much it for my updating, but one last thing. I have no idea what costume to wear to the Guild Halloween party this year. The 31st is on a Friday this year, so that's all kinds of awesome for the party, but I don't think I can afford much of anything new. I have devil horns and wings, but I wore that last year. There's my cat eras and tails, but that's kinda boring. Plus, I used to wear that stuff year round, just cuz. There'll be some people wearing their awesome cosplays, and some people are gonna dress in their Ren Faire best, and I'm just gonna be sitting in the corner wearing $5 cat ears. *sighs* Might hafta drag Ben to all the pop-up Halloween stores once the car's fixed, to see if I can throw anything together for massive cheap. After all, Halloween IS my favorite holiday. Without a good costume, it's just not the same. Though I am planning on hitting up more than a few stores on November 1st, so that 50% off discount will help heal the pain somewhat. ^_^

I Really Should Be Sleeping

I made a list earlier. I'm going to be editing it a lot over the next few weeks, but I think it'll work out pretty good. On it, I put all the different things I could do each day that would actually be productive (instead of stupid crap like play Facebook games that only piss me off). I put them in different categories, and next to each category heading, I put how many of them I want to cross off/do each day. I made this list in Paint, so I can just make a new copy each day, and literally cross things off when I do them. Makes it more satisfying, you know? Anyway, so far I have a chores section, an exercise section, and a creative section. The chores and exercise sections explain themselves, but in the creative section (which I'm going to go for at least one each day) has stuff in it like writing articles to sell (I've sold two already, and the extra money would be nice) or working on my novel or reading or drawing or working on one of my crafting hobbies. Stuff like that, basically. Maybe if I require it of myself, I'll actually do it for once. Because I'd really love to publish my novel someday, but after nine years I only have 33 pages of it. >_<

In good news, it looks like I won't have to worry about bumping into Doug at Guild and dealing with all kinds of more drama now. He is no longer in Zach's game, so unless he joins a different group (which I doubt, because if he wanted to be at Guild to game, he wouldn't have went awol from it for as long as he did, which if I remember correctly was over a decade). Also, I found out there was a different Pagan meet-up thingie, so I might be able to go to this one and not get completely frozen out by Doug's influence. It'd be nice to finally find a damn teacher. Another good thing about the new Pagan group thingie is that Zach said that my friends Tim and Sheena were there. It's been over a year since I've seen them (I couldn't afford to go to UDCon back in February, and that was the only time each year I saw them), so it'd be great to be able to hang out again. They're the ones that I'd feel the most odd calling up to see if they wanted to hang. After Jim dumped me, they seemed really distant to me. I dunno. It'd be so nice to see them again, though. I can see how their wedding plans are coming along, and hopefully they'll remember to invite me (if I'm remembering correctly, I was the reason they met, and I think I even introduced them). But yeah, yay there.

I was supposed to come home after dropping Ben off at work and go right to bed, but by the time I got back, I realized that I'd only get about two or three hours of sleep by the time I had to wake up and go get him (he works 9:30am til 3:00pm, and they usually cut him a few hours early cuz they suck like that). Hell, for all I know, I could be getting a call from him in the next hour or so, saying he got cut and needs me to pick him up. No point in trying to sleep now. That, and Rich overstayed his welcome by about five or six hours Thursday night/Friday morning, so we ended up not getting to bed until about 11:00am. Completely screwed up our sleep schedules. I have no clue if staying up til Ben gets home and taking a nap will fix anything, but I doubt going to bed right after I got back from dropping Ben off would've helped any, either. Definitely need to boot Rich around 4am, at the latest, next Thursday, because this him leaving after 9am crap needs to stop now. We're too nice to tell him to fuck off, and he doesn't have enough empathy to realize he's inconveniencing us so much. It's like when he kept making sushi here. It tasted great, true, but when he left we had to clean up the entire huge mess by ourselves. Ugh.

Me and Ben went on a four-mile walk Wednesday night. We walked over to the closest branch of the public library to us and dropped off a book and a DVD in the night drop box. Four miles, and I actually survived. Well, mostly survived. Even now, I'm fairly sore. I think that means that I need to exercise a LOT more. But the walk was really nice. We got to talk, something we don't do as much as we used to, and I missed it. About half of the walk or so was on a wooded bike path, too, so it was pretty. As pretty as it could be at 10:00pm, at least. We definitely have to do the next walk during the daytime, so I can see all the trees and flowers and the river and whatnot, instead of a lot of dark-ish blobs. I'm even thinking of taking my camera, see if I can get decent pictures with it when it's scenery instead of hyperactive kittens.

Been going through my stuff a lot lately, finding stuff to sell to make up for our lack of monies. We've gotten a bit from Half Price Books from my DVDs and books and CDs and such, but we need to sell more. We're going to put his drum kit up for sale on Craig's List, see if we can get anything out of that. I'm also going to try and sell all my anime stuff that I don't want any more. Could I interest anybody reading this who lives near me in buying a Kon plushie from Bleach, or an Inuyasha plushie, or a Roy Mustang plushie from Fullmetal Alchemist, or a Vash plushie from Trigun? Yeah, I thought not. >_<

I've been writing a lot of flash fiction lately, in this flash fiction writing prompts Facebook group I belong to. I wonder if I should post any of it here? I have no idea if I have much of anybody reading this at this point. I know of a couple people, but that about it. Probably oughta add it just cuz, though. I think I shall. Just not right now, because I'll hafta email them to myself (they're saved on this Wordpad-esque app thingie on my Nook right now) and I am quite lazy.

Speaking of Facebook groups, I joined a book club group a few days ago, and the first book to read is William Faulkner's As I Lay Dying, which I've been meaning to read for awhile anyway. I'm going to try and borrow my friend Izzy's copy, but if I can't get it in the next week or so, I'll be forced to use the library. I'm still very wary of the Dayton Metro Library system, after that $74 in late fines still being there after 5 years and them never having any way for you to pay off said fines except with cold, hard cash. Yeah, if I have any more late books, do they break my knee caps? *sighs* But yeah, looking forward to reading the book and talking about it afterwards. I don't remember ever having been part of a book club before, so this should be fun. I just wish I could've found a place online to download the ebook for free from. >_<

Well fuck, it would seem that I need to buy new computer speakers soon. Mine are messing up like mad crazy right now, and Ben has complained about them messing up before, too. Obviously can't get them until Ben starts getting checks from the new job (which he still hasn't been confirmed as being hired for yet). Bugger...

Mouth Oww

My mouth exists in a constant state of pain. Now my tooth is throbbing to the point of giving me a headache, and I can't chew anything whatsoever on the left side of my mouth. I'd be completely screwed if it wasn't for the fact that the pain of chewing on the right side of my mouth isn't as bad as it was before (it still hurts, but unless I go to a liquid diet, which I can' afford and don't want to do in the first place, I'm stuck with the pain for the next month and a half). My mouth has been in a constant state of pain for over a year now. Oh gods, I hope they can do something about it when I go in for my cleaning at the end of September. It'd be nice to finally be able to eat painlessly again. Though it's been so long, I don't think I can remember what it's like.

I read an article on Cracked.com last night that really gave me that kick in the ass that I've so desperately needed lately. 5 Ways You're Sabotaging Your Own Life Without Knowing It was written by one of my newest favorite authors (the guy who wrote John Dies At The End and its sequel). It talks about the stuff people do that pretty much ruins any chance of them doing what they want. Oh, I'm crap at describing things like that, so just go and read it. Anyway, I am so beyond guilty of every single one of those things. That's why I'm still fat and out of shape. That's why all my stories are unfinished. That's why my apartment is a mess. That's why I have so many books that I want to read but I haven't even finished the ones I've been working on for months yet. And all the other crap that I've been bitching about lately, too. So now, I'm going to start doing things. For starters, last night I deleted High School Story from my Nook, as well as that crappy coin dozer game I downloaded a week or so ago because I love those things in the arcade. Those were wasting way too much time, when I knew that it was a waste of time, and I wasn't even enjoying it all that much. >_< I'm going to delete Ghost Tales off my Facebook soon, because it takes up way too much time, and I'm once again to a point where I can't do much of anything unless I pay them real money, or I get a lot of my friends playing it, too. Yeah, fuck that noise. So now, I'm going to start working towards my goals. I want to finish my books soon. Not sure what to do with them afterwards, maybe self-publish the short story via Smashwords, and send the novel around to try and get it made into a book, but whatever I end up doing, they'll be done finally. I started them both back in 2005. Yeah, that long ago.

I'm going to start working out again, too. I've already had one offer on Facebook for a motivation buddy (she lives in Pennsylvania, otherwise it'd be a workout buddy), and one offer for a walking buddy. And if I can get Scott to finally let me know when he's in town and when he isn't, I've been trying to get him to let me go on his walks with him. Gotta start small, work my way up. Bit of walking, some beginner's yoga, a few minutes here and there of my exercise DVDs. Nothing too big yet, since I get winded walking from the parking lot to our room in Oelman on Friday nights for Guild (for those of you who don't know Wright State campus, that's only about a block's worth of walking). And as soon as we can afford it, I'm going to start buying and making food with fresh fruits and vegetables (might be able to help Ben get past his veggie phobia, too). I want to lose weight. Not just want, but want (those who read that article will get that). I'm sick and tired of having to buy bra extenders just because Walmart doesn't go up to my size, band-wise. I'm sick of wearing the ugly clothing because it's the only cheap stuff that fits (even places like Walmart and Meijer have cute as hell stuff in their skinny bitch section). I also really want to be in shape. This whole not being able to walk a few blocks without feeling like crap afterwards thing SUCKS.

I'm also going to try writing in here more. I like writing in my blog, and don't really understand why I go so long between posts. I can understand going a week or so, because nothing much interesting happens to me, so I don't usually have much to write about. But past that? Aww hell no. I'mma write, and annoy people by never shutting up! Bwahaha! You were warned. ^_^

There's a time waster I just found the other day that I don't mind wasting time with. I found a website called Khan Academy, that has all these class type things you can do to learn stuff, just like in those real schools that I'll never be able to afford to go back to. Tons of math stuff, plus other much-more-interesting stuff like physics, philosophy, health and medicine, and so much more. I plan on learnin' me some stuff. It's got a lot of stuff I missed out on by not completing ninth grade, like chemistry and calculus, so that'll be interesting to learn. Also, I never got around to taking any philosophy or art history classes when I was at Wright State, so that'll be even more fun. Whee! And to aid in my interest, they appealed to the gamer in me. You can earn badges for doing things, like answering a lot of questions really quickly and all correctly, or by watching videos for a certain amount of time. They also have mastery test thingies, which I have yet to do, but they sound really fun. I'm being a bit of a completionist whore, and I'm trying to get mastery on every single math thing. It'll be hard once I get past algebra, but this site is also made for elementary school students, as well as every other age, so getting mastery on the stuff like "Counting By 100s" is a wee bit too easy. But, completionism...

So yeah, simply put, I'mma start doing stuff. As soon as I make a cup of coffee and actually get some damn energy. Mmm, caffeine.

Gods, Do I Want Some Candy

Looking back at some of my most recent posts, I think I need to rename this blog to VampAmber's Wall Of Text Emporium. Then again, I don't post for forever, then try fitting everything into one post, so it makes sense. Also, I talk way too much. That's always a big help when creating text walls.

Completely obsessed with a new song:

A friend of mine on Facebook (I'm a horrible person, but I can't remember who it was) posted this video awhile back, and I listened to it out of curiosity, and fell madly in love. I just... I love the beat, I love the lyrics, even the video is awesome. And then last night on the way to the Victoria Theater to see The Big Lebowski, this came on the radio on The X. I had to dance, even though I was driving. It was required. Such an awesome song! <3 <3 <3

Speaking of last night, we went to the Victoria theater, as I previously mentioned, to see one of their Cool Films series movies. Well, we got there late and were rushing to get in (the movie had already been playing for a few minutes when we finally got there), so we handed the old guy our ticket book (it had eight tickets in it, this is important later). He took our tickets and showed us into the theater. Well, when we were walking back to the car (the we in this whole instance being just me and Ben, also important), Ben was looking through the tickets to see when the next movie we wanted to see was showing. That's when we found out there were only three tickets left in the book. Now, for those of you who weren't doing the math the whole time, that's three tickets left, two tickets used, and we started with eight tickets. Well fuck, the guy took five instead of two. Those tickets were fuck expensive, too, so now I need to call up the theater tomorrow and bitch (or better yet, have Ben do it, because he's better at yelling at people nicely and coherently). But seriously man, did you have to steal three tickets? Ugh! At least the movie was pretty good.

So beyond sleepy right now. I need more caffeine. I have some friends who are very insistent that I quit drinking caffeine completely because it only makes the sleepy thing worse (among many, many, many other things), but they don't seem to understand that I am so addicted at this point that I'd almost need rehab to have any hopes of quitting for longer than a week. So until I can afford a few weeks at Betty Ford, I guess I need to stock up on some two liters when Ben gets paid on Thursday. Cuz this sleepy crap sucks, and coffee kills my stomach too much to be drinking it every day. Ugh, ugh, double ugh.

My teeth are absolutely killing me lately. The tooth didn't end up having an abscess, but I did have some ulcers in my gums. They gave me this prescription mouthwash that I'm pretty sure is just mint-flavored hydrogen peroxide, and it helps a little bit, but now my other teeth are hurting, too. I think I have a cavity on the inner bit of the top tooth on my left-hand side farthest back. That tooth has been pushed out of the way and is somewhat sideways because my mouth is so small, and now the entire thing is throbbing 24/7. Add that to the fact that my chipped tooth which sometimes gets overly sensitive is in one of those phases again, and my mouth is hell on earth. I'm pretty sure the chip exposes the root slightly or something, because just breathing through my mouth makes it hurt when its in the on phase. The people at the dental clinic in the hospital that I went to when I thought I had an abscess can take me on as a regular client, so I'm going to be calling them tomorrow to schedule a cleaning for the end of September (when I'm allowed my next one by Medicaid), and hopefully this place won't be as incompetent as the one I went to in Sydney. That dude was fairly an idiot. I had a lot of "doctors" that didn't know squat back when I lived in Lakeview. The only people I saw on a regular basis that knew anything were the people at Consolidated Care (not counting that one therapist I had that loved bullying me). Hopefully, Dayton has less-idiotic health care providers. The bar has been set incredibly low, though, so that'll help.

Finally caught a picture of one of the kittens that isn't blurry! My phone is over two years old, and was the cheapest model John could get, so the camera sucks hard, and my digital camera I got when I was still with Jim, so that makes it almost six years old, and even new it was the second cheapest camera Walmart had. All that adds up to a lot of pictures of the kittens that make them look like blurry blobs. So yesterday while I was going through my books and DVDs trying to find stuff to sell to Half Price Books, I accidentally managed to catch the perfect picture of Pocky.

It's a box of Pocky!

I feel proud. I'll try and grab a good one of Wasabi soon, but she never seems to hold still long enough to let me take the photo. Maybe if I get Ben to do it. She's definitely daddy's girl. Though Pocky's my baby, so it all kinda evens out in the end.

I've been losing weight, which is a yay I guess. The place Ben works has been screwing everybody over and only giving them two days a week, and all of the ones Ben has been getting are five hour shifts, during which he usually gets cut a few hours in. That leads to not-very-big-paychecks, so we haven't been able to get as many groceries each check as we'd like to. I've lost a few pounds these last few weeks just because I don't eat very often, and lately I don't finish my entire meal because every day it's Hamburger Helper, which I am getting downright sick of. I'm only a pound and a half away from the 260s at least, so it's not all bad. I do need to start exercising soon, though. I got winded trying to keep up with Ben's walking speed for the two blocks we had to walk to get to the theater last night. That's a big bad no-no. I just can't motivate myself, though. I know that not exercising is killing me, but that doesn't seem to be enough, because I also know that if I start exercising again, I'll stop after a few days because I hate it so goddamned much. That, and it reeeeeeeally hurts sometimes. I guess I'm doomed to be a dead fat ass, then...

I need to start reading again. I was reading a lot there for awhile, and then just... stopped. I have sooooooooooo many great books to read (four of which are from the library, so they'll be due back eventually). I guess I just haven't had the time. I've got three different games on my Nook that I play somewhat obsessively (Clash Of Clans, My Singing Monsters, and High School Story), and I'm addicted to this one Facebook game as well (it's called Ghost Tales), so I spend way too much time playing those. >_< Need to start reading again. I have the sequel to John Dies At The End, for heaven's sake, and I'm only a couple pages in! How can that even be?!?! *thunks head on desk*

I have a LOT of stuff I need to be doing that I haven't been. I don't clean enough. I still have a ton of boxes that I have yet to unpack (and I've been here three and a half months already!). I haven't written much of anything on any of my stories (though at least I've been posting on this writing prompt Facebook group page I belong to, so that's better than nothing). I still haven't pulled out my water colors art kit that I got for Christmas and used it. I haven't even watched the tutorial DVD yet. I am a lazy fuck lately. And I hate it more than anything, but I can't figure out how to fix it. GYARG!

Well, in good news at least, hopefully Ben got the job at VRI. He went through the interview process, and he sent in the essay-esque thing they wanted him to write, but he hasn't heard anything either way back yet. Mind you, he had the interview on Wednesday, and didn't email the essay thingie til Friday, and they told him they couldn't get him in until the September orientation, so there is NO REASON WHATSOEVER to be worried yet, but you know me, I'm a worrier. This would be a full time job (40 hours a week as compared to his current >10), and when he's done with training he'll be earning over a dollar more an hour than he does where he works now, so it would fix a lot of our money issues. We'd be able to afford food again, at least. Oh gods, oh gods, oh gods, I hope they do actually hire him. I don't see why they wouldn't, but I'm still terrified.

And thus returns the wall of text, now with kickass videos and cute kitty pictures. ^_^

All The Fun Pain

I really need to quit forgetting to write anything in here. Good thing it's a free website, otherwise I'd be wasting a lot of money.

Anyways, I'm in a fair amount of physical pain right now. The biggest thing in my teeth. I'm fairly certain I have an abscess. I have pretty much all the symptoms, and it looks exactly like the tamer pictures that you get when you Google "tooth abscess" (except right now, my little puss-bit thingie is black...). Going to go to the hospital tomorrow to get a root canal or something to fix it. One of the hospitals here has a dental center, which is a really good thing because I called quite a few places to try and get in to see a dentist, but since I'd be a new patient, what very few places that were both accepting new patients and take Molina Healthcare (that's the insurance I have) all said I'd have to wait at least two or three weeks for them to be able to fit me in. Mind you, a part of my gums is turning black, my mouth bleeds so bad every time that I brush my teeth that I have bloodstains on my toothbrush, I'm in constant, agonizing pain, and it hurts to chew anything that isn't the consistency of pudding, so waiting three weeks would be a very bad idea. Also, apparently if you leave it alone long enough, an oral abscess can kill you. Yeah, I'd like to avoid that part. Also, I hate my mouth constantly tasting of blood and puss...

Lost another "friend", also. Doug went batshit insane and bullied me like mad crazy, but I'm over it and don't really feel like going into it any more. Just thought you guys might want to know. Oh, and because of the crap Doug was telling people about us, we lost Dave as a friend, and apparently Rob as a friend, too (because it's been over a month since Rob has acknowledged us in any way, shape or form), and Zach is on severe probation. Probably a good thing I got rid of them. Or that they got rid of themselves, I should say. It's nice having friends who aren't 20 year old guys. No offense against 20 year olds in general, just against the really immature ones (and the really immature 43 year olds, too). And that's pretty much all the name calling I'm allowing myself.

Edit: It would seem that all it took to fix things with Rob and Zach was talking for a few minutes. They were being a bit immature, true, but not as much as I thought (since they weren't talking to me, I had no way of knowing what was going on). So yeah, good to know that everything could've been fixed a few weeks ago this easily... >_< At least there are two less people in the world that hate me. I did miss them.

The kittens aren't exactly kittens any more. They're what my friend Kelly refers to as "cattens": halfway between kitten and cat. They're going completely insane, apparently. The bedroom door has to stay closed now, because they run across the bed while we sleep and cut the crap out of Ben with their nails (even when we've recently trimmed them). They also jump all over us, and make tons of noise by messing with the blinds and knocking stuff over. So yeah, they've officially lost going-to-bed-with-mommy-and-daddy privileges. They still don't understand the concept of the scratching post. They knock it over, they play on top of it, they chew on it, but they have never once scratched it. I guess they don't need to, because the couch and the mattress work perfectly fine. I've turned into the disciplinarian, because when I yell at them to get off the table or the kitchen counters they listen; when Ben yells at them for the same things, they ignore him. They still do cute things like fall asleep on us, though, so it's all good. And sometimes Pocky goes psycho in her tail chasing, jumping up and down and spinning all around, trying to catch the thing. She does it in the kitchen, so the entire time she's jumping around around, she's also slipping all over the place because of the smooth floor. So. Much. Cute! <3 <3 <3

Got a few other problems physically. I can't get a full night's sleep anymore, not for the last two weeks, at least. I fall asleep quickly, just like normal people do, just like I've always wanted, but I wake up after five or six hours in large quantities of pain, mostly in my back. No matter how I lay after I wake up like this, being in bed just hurts too freaking much. So I've been tired a lot, but at least I've been getting up at daytime hours. It's weird being awake at 10am, but not because I haven't went to bed yet. >_< I'm going to try seeing a doctor about it soon, or if it doesn't get too bad, I'll just wait for my appointment on the 22nd. I've also been getting dizzy and sick to my stomach, and almost throwing up and passing out, and I'mma bring all that up, too. Cuz yeah, being sick sucks. Being that sick, for two weeks straight... Yeah, fuck that shit.

I'm once again trying out the freelance writing game. I signed up with a website called Freelancer. I bid on jobs there, instead of trying to come up with articles out of nowhere. I just bid on my first job today, a creative blog post job where I'd get $10 for 350 words. No idea if I'll win the bid, but at least I'm trying, right? It'd be nice to have a bit of extra money to toss around.

Oh, and I must pimp one more thing before I'm done with this post: LibraryThing is one of my newest addictions. It's this site that lets you catalog your books (kinda like GoodReads, except they don't let you update your progress), but that's not the cool part. The cool part is the Early Reviewers program. You can sign up to win books before they're released to the general public. The more books you have listed on your profile, the more likely you are to win one. All they require is that you read it somewhat quickly (no strict rule, but I figure they'd prefer you do it within a month or so of getting it) and review it when you're done. It doesn't have to be a glowing review, it just has to be what you thought of it. The only bad part about the site is that the free account only lets you add 200 books. I'm a bad, bad girl, and I'm seriously considering paying the $25 for the lifetime membership, because that way I can add infinite books (considering the fact that I'm sure I have at the very least 1,500 books between paper and ebooks by now). Also, the Early Reviewers program picks the book(s) that you win based off of what's in your library. Right now, I only have a large majority of the stuff on my Nook (the ones not on my Kindle app, I mean). Those aren't exactly the best of examples for them to look at while picking out free books for me. But yeah, I've won three books in the last two months (two ebooks and a paperback). Nice, no?

I've been cataloging my book collection on this app I found for free. It's taking forever to do so because the input process is terrible (also, see earlier comment about how many books I have), but it makes my occasional OCD happy. That, and when I finish, I'll be able to figure out what book to start next soooooooooooooooo much easier. ^_^ I'll know what books I have, how long they are, where they are, what they're about, and all without doing anything other than opening up the app on my Nook. That makes OCDBibliophileAmber very happy.

Ooh, ooh, ooh! Guess what me, Ben, and Rich went and saw earlier? Guardians Of The Galaxy! The theater that Ben works at shows certain new releases the day before they come out in most theaters, so we went to the 7pm showing in IMAX 3D. The movie was incredible amazing awesome win, but the conditions in which we saw it sucked. It had nothing to do with the theater itself, so no worries. We just got there a few minutes late, so we were stuck in the second row (we were only about three yards from the screen). My neck still hurts from staring up at the screen the entire movie, and it was literally impossible to see the entire screen all at once. That, and IMAX 3D movies give me a wicked headache. I learned this back in November when me and Ben went to see Thor 2. Ugh. The movie was good enough to make the headache and neck strain worth it, but still, oww. I won't give any spoilers away, because I'm nice like that (and don't want to deal with death threats), but I will say if you like stuff like Firefly/Serenity, you'd definitely love this. It had that same kinda feel to it, you know? We plan on seeing it at least two or three more times before it leaves theaters, it was THAT. GOOD. And for those of you not used to Marvel movies, don't forget to stay behind for the bits at the end and after the credits.

Gonna try to write in here more often. Hopefully, I can actually keep that promise. Somebody yell at me if I don't start writing in here more often.

Wall Of Text

So, it would seem that I've finally grown enough of a spine to start getting rid of those "friends" in my life that do nothing but use and abuse me and my good nature. First, I got rid of Jeff for stalking me and using the apartment as a way to control my every little action. Now I just got rid of Karyn, who's been my friend for about 15 years, and has most likely been using me for that long. For the last few years (think four or five), she's pretty much all but ignored me unless she needed something, like when she got dumped by her last boyfriend, who was an abusive drug user, and if I remember correctly, a dealer as well. She had to leave Detroit to go back to her hometown in Pennsylvania, and she stopped by my parents' house to stay the night. Before and after that, we talked almost not at all. Until her most recent phase of holier-than-thou. A few weeks ago, I made the mistake of posting on Facebook during a panic attack, talking about how bad I felt at the moment. She made sure to start an argument about how I shouldn't have kids until I was 100% perfect better sane or whatever. What pissed me off the most about this is that I have ALWAYS been more stable than her. I was the one who always talked her out of committing suicide when I was in college. I was always the one who tried to make her feel better after another failed-from-the-start relationship. I was the one who tried to nicely convince her to stop with the drugs already. But she seems to enjoy forgetting everything good I've ever done for her when there's a chance to make herself look like she knows everything on the planet. She said I had to be completely better to have kids. NO ONE gets 100% better. Ever. Especially her. But nooooooo, gods forbid she actually think things like a normal human person would think.

I'm just so fucking pissed right now. Now that I'm not in denial about her being my best friend forever, I'm remembering all the horrible shit she's done to me over the years. There was this one time where she let me have a website off of hers. I built it up and did everything I could to make it good for the people paying me to post about their products. I worked my ass off on it, and it was paying off to the tune of about $100 or so a month, straight to my PayPal account. Now, this was years ago, when that was my ONLY source of revenue. I had no job, and got no money anywhere else. This is important, because she was also hosting a forum website that we both belonged to. She was very... touchy about anything that didn't go completely her way, and always over reacted on everything. I can't even remember what it was, but someone on the board pissed her off, and she threw a temper tantrum and deleted everything connected to her website. She kept saying that it was an accident, but everyone knew she was lying through her teeth, myself included. But I defended her, because I thought she was my friend. I seem to recall being the only one who defended her. Even though her temper tantrum made me lose my only source of income. Months and months of hard work, all ruined because she threw a hissy fit. But did I stop being her friend? No, because I'm a pathetic person who does everything she can to keep a friend, no matter how badly they treat her. Thus, even more years of being used. But I'm done. I deleted her off of everything, and at this point, I doubt she'll even notice me missing from her friends list. It's so full of her sycophants that she'd never notice one of the few people who stayed by no matter what gone. But good riddance. I didn't think I could last another second holding in the fact that her baby makes Ethiopian kids look fat, and that she needs to fucking feed him. Yeah, I shouldn't have kids because I occasionally have panic attacks, and was on meds at the time she started the argument, but she can neglect her kid all she wants. Seriously, you probably shouldn't have kids if you had gastric bypass surgery. That teeny little stomach is made to mostly starve you to death without actually killing you. It is nowhere near big enough to support a growing fetus if it's too small to completely support you. I hope somebody else (not one of her fawning minions) realizes that she can't support this child with her own body and gives him some damn formula. Every time she posted a picture, I wanted to cry. He has no meat on him at all, and he's barely been growing. It's terrible. I really hope she doesn't kill him out of her stupidity.

But yeah, I keep getting pissed off at things, and maybe that's a good thing. I've been letting people use me for way too long. I have a really bad problem with low self-esteem, always have. I blame Mandy for starting that rumor in third grade that literally ruined my life, but that will need its own post (or probably posts, it's a very long, very depressing story). I'm always so afraid of being alone, and all my friends leaving me. I'm not worth staying around. I do and say stupid shit all the time, and eventually, everyone will figure out that they actually hate me and leave. It's actually happened before, a lot, so now I always think that's how everybody feels. I'm not quite right in the head, you know. I'm afraid my friends will ditch me, and Ben will dump, and I'll have nothing left. So I always let my friends get away with murder and then some, just so they won't leave. I become the doormat to avoid the risk of losing anyone. That's a horrible way to live, and I'm trying to stop, but it's hard. I'm getting better, though, so that's pretty good.

When I'm on my meds, I feel like a zombie. I don't feel depressed (usually), but I don't feel much of anything else, either. I need to get things figured out. I need to go into Welfare the next day that Ben doesn't work (cuz he needs to be there if we're going to apply for food stamps) and get a list of doctors and therapists I can see. It's been a few months since I last talked to a therapist, and boy do I need it. I need to talk about Jeff and Karyn and all this other shit with someone who can help me figure why I can't let go of the stress. also, it'd be nice to see a medical doctor. The nurse practitioner and the retard who replaced her when she went on maternity leave were completely worthless. I'd like to get something for these constant headaches, and maybe get a not-retarded answer as to why I get violently ill when I get too overheated. It'd be nice to not spend the entire summer in the bathroom vomiting and shitting liquid. Sorry for the TMI, but nobody ever really gets the severity of the issue if I just say I get sick. Oh, and I should apologize for using the term "retarded". Calling those two retarded is an insult to all retarded people, they were that fucking stupid. Oh my fucking gods.

In slightly more peppy news, the kitties are doing great. I keep trying to get a good picture of them to post here and on Facebook, but they all come out blurry. I think my camera's starting to get too old (I got it for Christmas when I was still with Jim about five or six years ago). I can try posting the blurry ones, if people actually want to see them. Maybe I could just hook my webcam back up and take pictures that way? *shrugs*

Been reading webcomics absolutely obsessively as of late. I've gone through the archives of soooooooooooo many. I started Something Positive a few days ago when I finished Punch An' Pie, and I forgot how much I love that webcomic. I've been laughing my ass off, to the point of Ben giving me very confused looks. I should probably do something more productive than reading webcomics, such as cleaning, but anybody who's known me for very long knows how I am when I go into addictive mode. I figure I'll get bored with them sooner or later and move on, so might as well enjoy this while it lasts. Whee!

I need to start writing again. I have all this free time, but I never use it on anything important. I finally know how I want to end "The Gamer Gods Are Smiling", and all I need to do is write it down, but I'm just too lazy as of late. And don't even get me started on my novel. Ugh! I have my muse, now all I need is my motivation. Yeah, I don't think that really exists any more, so I guess I'm screwed. >_<

I'm taking a break from gaming. Our Thursday night game became Endless Argument Night, and the stress was killing me. I stopped giving any shit about that game whatsoever about a month or so before it ended. All Rich did was bitch, and Rob just couldn't seem to wrap his head around the fact that he can't cheat the rules all the time, and Kieran was Kieran, no explanation needed there. It stopped being fun, and instead became the ultimate headache. The Friday night game was pretty cool, but mostly cuz I used it as a way to hang out with my friends instead of actually paying much attention to the game. There was still a ton of bitching, but at least I could ignore it easier by joking around with the ones not arguing. I haven't been able to think very well for the last few months, and that makes role playing really hard. I dunno.

Speaking of a mental fog, I'm starting to wonder if I have fibromyalgia. I was looking up the list of symptoms, and it would make sense. I'm tired all the time, and my brain is always in a fog, and my everything hurts pretty much all the time, and I've had this exact same endless headache for a few years now. It's hereditary, too, so the fact that my mom has it makes it more likely. Also, the fact that I have restless leg syndrome and possibly sleep apnea (you do not give an Ambien to a chick who says she only occasionally takes OTC sleeping pills if you're trying to test her for sleep apnea... idiots). I'mma hit up the library soon, get me a book on fibromyalgia, see if I can figure this all out. It would make a lot of stuff make more sense, though. And now that I'm thinking about it, I think my grandma either had the diagnosis of it, or had it sans diagnosis. I'll hafta ask my mom the next time I talk to her. It'd be nice to not have to be taking ibuprofen constantly for a headache that the ibuprofen does almost nothing for. Also, it would mean that I didn't actually have something wrong with my back. If I did have it, and they gave me the right pills, maybe I'd stop waking up with my back screaming and not being to move from the pain for the first minute or so. Oh, that'd be wonderful.

Really need to start exercising. We have all these DVDs we could use, and wonderful places around town to go for walks. The bikes are out until we can replace his back tire, but we can still do all the other stuff. It's not all my fault, though. He's being lazy, too. Bad Ben, no biscuit. ^_^ We severely need to go for a walk when he gets off of work today. Maybe to the library, so as to kill two birds with one stone. And maybe they'll be nice, fat birds that we can cook up and have for dinner. We are a bit short on groceries and money to buy groceries with. I wonder what pigeon tastes like? Heh heh heh...